Pre-Marital Garbage affecting marriages

Every action they say has an equivalent reaction. No wonder the rise in divorce rates is also happening at a time when pre-marital relationships have also assumed a dangerous dimension.

In our times, young people devote so much time to relationships and do so much in such relationships that leaves them so fragmented and devastated when things go wrong.

We find situations where people start looking for mates so early in life and by the time they get to marriageable age, they might have suffered so much emotional and physical abuse that what they take into marriage is the “left over”. Such people may have challenges remaining committed to a spouse over the long haul due to a pattern of variety and constant chase and change of mates. Literally, by the time they get married, they are so weary that love and marriage don’t make sense any more. Unfortunately, such people still find people to get married to with their damaged heart condition. What will happen to marriage with someone who is already tired of love, sex, companionship and everything that makes marriage work? Infidelity is wrecking homes today because couples (men and women) cannot just maintain focus on a single partner for a long time. This is a sad and devastating situation.

The most critical is the fact that most pre - marital relationships are just what it is, a phase that young people go through, one or both of the individuals involved may not really have any plan for the future. In this instance, you find such young people breaking up and moving on with any slight discomfort, displeasure or change in circumstances in the relationship. This “break up and move on” cycle makes the singles’ life interesting, fun and full of rich variety, however, it forms a bad habit most dangerous to marriage. Some people are so good at it that by the time they get married; they would have gone round the cycle so many times that it becomes so easy to execute, it’s all about “walking away”! Do you wonder why many marriages are packing up within one year? The answer is that the “break up and move on” cycle was carried into marriage, so sad! They couple could not just endure the first set of arguments and disagreements, the marriage automatically becomes a mistake which must be corrected using the “break up and move on” therapy.

Many who used their bodies to raise funds from different men on a continuous basis will also have challenges coping with the challenge of depending on a single man for financial support in marriage. Women in this category either resort to living miserably and spreading same to the husband especially when he cannot meet up with her unrealistic and inconsiderate financial demands or venture back to their pre-marital philandering ways.

Whatever wrong relationship habits formed prior to marriage either deliberately, due to ignorance or circumstances must be dealt with to avoid marital disaster. Such habits may include multiple dating, online flirting (virtual lovers), hit and run (use and dump),  homosexuality, incest, using men or even women as Teller machines (Mugu/Maga/Aristo) for round the clock financial comfort and so many other negative behaviours. No matter the amount of efforts you put up to make people (including your spouse) believe you are an angel that just dropped from heaven, hiding these issues under your “holy garments” will only hurt you the more.  You cannot carry such garbage into marriage and expect the marriage to work.  

Deal with your pre-marital garbage fast before the stench will destroy your matrimonial home. Singles should be careful of how they accumulate destructive garbage and beware of prospective mates who are encumbered with such destructive tendencies.

When Ladies refuse to get committed in relationships

We have looked at why men would not want to commit themselves to a relationship. However, the story does not end there. Some Sisters truly have reasons to hold on tightly to their dear hearts, irrespective of any efforts by the men in their lives to get them to surrender.

It is easy to say that men are heart breakers, because they take the final decision most times, and funny enough, heart - broken men don’t cry or spread the bad news for sake of their pride.  But there are also instances where Ladies have left a brother hanging like a ripe mango fruit ready to splash on the ground. How could this happen?

1.       The guy does not appear to be financially or materially capable. Ladies will always say “I don’t want to suffer with any man”. Fair enough, if they wait long enough, the guy with the right account balance may just come along.  Problem comes if such rich dude does not show up, the Lady may have to eventually suffer alone. You can even marry a rich dude only to realize that the price to pay for the riches is even harder. Have you not heard of rich, lonely and frustrated wives?

2.       When he is not your fantasy type of man. Ladies have this picture of a man, perfect body parts and shape, good height, good carriage and manners and all kinds of ideals. Dearie, have you heard that what is good for the goose is also good for the gander? Do you have all those stuff men want in the right proportion? Even if you do, what makes you think that you are entitled to get same in your spouse? I see many people letting go a potentially good partner for lack of some body parts in the right shape, size or proportion, only to get to the next person (who has those stuff in abundance), only to be dumped for lacking in some parts too!! Funny, but real. Even if you do get everything, I mean, everything, don’t forget that some of these physical attributes wear off with time, what will you do when the fantasy expires?

3.       Religious considerations. Some Ladies will say No to a guy because he does not attend same church/mosque with her. You should be more concerned about the status of his spiritual life and convictions than on the name of his denomination/sect.  When it comes to marriage, we still do not distinguish religion from spirituality, many are deeply religious but no atom of spirituality can be found in them.  Some guy can propose to you from same church, and he does not believe anything that is being taught in that congregation.

4.       Tribal and racial sentiments. I truly appreciate that it is extremely difficult to marry outside your culture in some instances. This is where parents become principalities.  However, the world has since moved on. All the distance and communication barriers that previously made parents to be scared of letting their children marry outside their tribe or race have been eradicated. Please do not be left behind.

5.       Too many options (Prime Time Syndrome). At your peak as a Lady, you just would have the world at your feet; everyone wants you for a date. Do not be deceived, it is a phase, make the best use of it, it will soon move to the next girl. If you are in your Prime Time, please make sure you get married before the effect wanes. So many Ladies that are now saying that men are not ready to marry once had their prime time, and wasted it, now their younger sisters are getting married.

I believe the reason you are not yet married, or why you keep seeing men as not capable of marrying you is now exposed. I will continue to say it, no man or woman is fit and perfect, we are all flawed. This does not mean you will not have a standard, but be real and be intelligent enough to know what factors are still relevant and which one are extinct.

So many Ladies today are dating married men they once rejected as suitors. They were not good enough until they found another woman to marry them. Think about this and next time your man comes around, see the MAN/HUSBAND in him before another woman does.

Panacea for Commitment – Phobia in Relationships

 

So many heartaches associated with pre-marital relationships have much to do with differences in objective, direction and timing of critical events in the relationship. Lots of very good relationships will fail when the individuals involved do not reconcile the intent and direction of the relationship. Most times, one person wants something the other is not even thinking about, leading to conflicts.

I know it is always a concern for the female folks to establish why a guy they feel has the requisite qualities for marriage will just be doing everything right in the relationship but will shy away from the most important one – marriage proposal.

It is true that many Ladies do not how to decipher the times. Life is in stages, and you need to understand what stage your man is before you decide to see him as future husband. I find it amusing to hear a Lady complaining that her boyfriend who is a student has not proposed after 5 years. It is good to fall in love, but such love must be unconditional. It is a hard choice, you cannot force a guy to truncate his life journey to get married to you – his time will come.

Sometimes, you can meet a guy that is correct in every way, but he has several steps he will like to take before marriage, it is your bit to seek out if he will still need you when he arrives at his desired destination, otherwise, say goodbye. It will be your fault to hang around assuming you are in the plan. Assumptions are deceptive in relationships.

However, there are other guys who are ready for marriage, but they just would not commit. What could be wrong? Let me attempt to look into the hearts of guys who are afraid of getting hooked;

1.       Uncertainty: This factor sounds like this, “Do I really want to do this?” The Lady may be the best thing on earth; it does not stop the guy from feeling a bit un-sure of the next phase of life;

 

2.       Poor sense of timing: Some guys just do not know the timing of life. Some feel their most youthful days should be best spent in riotous living and random sampling. They want to prolong this stage for as long as they can;

 

3.       Lack of conviction about the choice: We all know what we want. Ladies easily feel that a guy should just reciprocate their love – it doesn’t work that way babes. You don’t go into an eatery for the Sales Boy or Girl to tell you what to buy;

4.       Fear of losing Independence: If you are having a ball as a young man, especially those who are not used to the one man, one woman principle, the thought of marriage will scare you;

5.       Deeply rooted selfishness: Marriage is all about sharing. Some guys have taken stock and feel they are not ready to share just yet;

6.       Fear of making mistake with the choice: If there is no deeply rooted guidance, and armed with available multiple options, a man can really feel scared of getting it wrong;

7.       Effect of bad role models: A guy who has seen bad marriages from a close range will be afraid of going into one;

8.       Controllers in the background: For all you know, it may take some guys months and even years to negotiate with their parents on who and when to marry;

9.       Men on revenge mission: Some guys are actually on revenge mission, they failed to get over past heart breaks and now want to use their advantageous situation to torment Ladies;

10.   Unseen hands: Surprised that I said that? Trust me, for so many reasons, some men have lost control of their life’s timetable and agenda. Some things are not just normal.

Guys, what could be holding you back? Please search your heart, and make amends. Your solution may just lie in forgiving people in your past, thinking less of “YOU”, clearing your mind from negative thoughts of fear and wrong pictures of marriage, being the best you can be and giving your partner a chance to be human – after all, we all have come “short”, remember? Most importantly, you need to pray for divine guidance and direction.

The Table of Men – Threat to Marriages?

The Table of Men, where men sit and rub minds is as old as manhood itself. Men have always found a spot in their environment to gather and discuss issues.

This gathering of men has been evolving over the years with civilization. From the traditional gathering over a calabash of fresh palm-wine or some bottles of local gin while women are doing the cooking, the table of men has been modernized and can be found in various exotic and some not so exotic spots in major cities. You will find men of all ages and social class trooping to these “relaxation zones” as night falls in major cities.

An escape to the table of men can provide a pleasant time-off from the rigours of the day’s job and businesses and provide a vital channel for expression. It is true that men do not talk as much as women, but the table of men provides a forum for men to engage themselves on issues ranging from politics, religion, career and most importantly relationships.

However, on the table of men, lies the virtue of many men. Evil communication in an appropriately conducive environment, sometimes under the influence of liquor has made many to take wrong steps that could jeopardize their marital relationships. There are men who only started drinking on the table of men, just to blend with the group. There are some men who take their marital problems to the table of men, only to receive wrong counsel. Many amorous affairs were born on the table of men, because we also find loose women hanging around these tables.

It is also true that some men frequent the table of men because the home front is not conducive. I will warn you Sir, the more you prolong your stay at the table of men to escape the un-resolved anger and resentment at home, the more the table of communion you should have at home is crumbling.

It is important also that women learn how to be a bit more self-less and deliberate in making the home environment conducive and friendly at all times. This does not mean your husband will be perfect, but showing him a little bit of mercy and tolerance will help a great deal. Just giving up Africa Magic, FTV or Food Channels for awhile while he indulges himself in the Premiership or La Liga can even do the magic.

Guys, while a little rendezvous with the boys every now and then will not hurt you, you need to watch the kind of company you sit around with and check the type of words and other stuff you allow to go into you. If you notice that your words, thoughts and actions are beginning to change, please it is time to quit the group. If you notice you are beginning to lose virtues, and you are becoming comfortable with things that are clearly wrong, please re-trace your steps.

Don’t forget that friends are admitted to the table of men, in most cases, on merit (job, money, class, education), if any of these should fail, you may find yourself on an empty table. Why not invest time in the most important and committed relationship you have – your partner. Be committed to building a relationship based on mutual respect and communication. If your spouse is your confidant, and you talk freely over issues, you may not need to stop over at the popular joint to gather at a potentially destructive table of men.

Marriage, Sprints and Marathon – Running the right race

Before European football took over the passions of many in this part of the world, Athletics was one of the major events sports fans will look forward to seeing anytime. One event that would always draw the crowd happens to be the 100 meters dash. This race is always tension soaked, adrenalin-pumping, emotional, fast and furious, most importantly, the winner is determined in seconds.

Relationships can be like that you know – boy meets girl, thunder strikes as both hearts find rhythm, with a zest of energy, the relationship splashes off the block, with a string of fast paced steps towards the mark, and within a short while, the finishing line is in sight. In the sprints, so much activity and so much energy gets dissipated within seconds, leaving even the champion drained, tired and took weak at times to even do the victory run. No wonder, the 100m dash is always the last event of every major fiesta.

So many literally sprint through relationships, they relish the 10 seconds and want everything to happen within that time. This is not about how many months or years you dated; it’s more of the mind-set going into relationship. In sprinting, everything has to happen fast and within your best time. This is too fast an attitude for marriage. Marriage has more to do with a different kind of race – the marathon.

Marathon is the long haul; it is the king of races. It is the test of preparation, patience, stamina and endurance. While 100m dash is a straight line movement without contours or detours on a well prepared track, marathon will take you through the entire city landscape, through neighbourhoods of different types and most times, the street will be filled with people who are there to cheer and jeer. For instance, it appears people generally have enough time and money to do everything fun and good during dating.

Marriage is not a sprint. The conditions at the beginning may not always remain at peak pace and the race is not always over in 10 seconds. For long distance minded couples, the first sign of lost of sparks or decline in speed will not mean the race is over. Marathon runners train in high altitude, so that their attitude can be adjusted to the varying requirements of the race.

The dating and break up cycle in pre-marital relationships has affected marriages so adversely. People rush into relationships and rush out several times in a single year. People become used to breaking up – and they forget to adjust when they eventually get married. I believe couples easily forget that walking out on marriage is far different from breaking up with a dating partner, of course, bad habits die hard.

Maybe you are planning to get married, have you prepared for the marathon? Does it mean people should die in bad marriages? Marathons do have casualties – but preparation and adjustments can limit the damage, and of course there are always ambulance services to help.  Marriage is long distance; you must be prepared to finish the race – accept nothing less.

Married for long and tired of it?

I have penned down this topic this morning and was working on other things when hours later the case of a man who is about to work out on his 31 year old relationship came on air on the online radio playing on my laptop.

Why would a man want to quit a relationship that has produced a 24 year old son? You can blame all the demons in the world, but is there no cause?

Marriage is designed to be a long distance race; it’s definitely not a 100 meters dash. And you see, lots of things happen in marathons, that is why marathon is called the king of all races. The conditions that make the 100m race exciting do not apply in long distance races.

All over the world, cases of divorces among people who have been married for more than 20 years is on the increase. This is not only affecting family life as the children get caught in the middle, it is also a negative advertisement for marriage. If our fathers and mothers cannot hold it together anymore, with all the wisdom of days, what is the way forward?

I don’t have answers to this problem, but I feel whatever is a problem in marriages generally, may not be different for old couples. But one would have expected that couples mature and grow into each other with time, but this does not always happen.

Some major causes of this trend of late separations are listed below;

1.       Bottled up pre-marital errors not addressed – people who feel they made a mistake in marrying their mates may just hang around until the kids are grown and then part ways to find their cinderalla or prince charming;

2.       Unresolved personal differences – Couples usually get lost in the routine of raising kids and keeping a home. They typically endure so much for the sake of the kids and societal expectations. With time, the cracks will open up;

3.       Growing apart – As the years pass by, couples who do not deliberately tend their love gardens automatically begin to drift apart. This is when Papa Emeka and Iya Femi becomes the order of the day. Women typically lose interest in romance with time, they retire romantically and begin to feel those things are for the un-married, sometimes they don’t even notice when the spouses have become emotional strangers;

4.       Adultery/Mid life crisis – Following from the above, one or both partners may find expressions for their sexualities outside the marriage. The easiest culprit for this is mid life crisis. Men in their middle ages suddenly begin to pursue youthful feelings and looking for younger mates to validate their assumed youthfulness.  This why the Sugar Daddy/Aristo industry is waxing stronger by the day. Women too sometimes wake-up from years of neglecting romance to find that life can be good again. Women typically begin to give in to advances from  close acquaintances, bosses, co-workers, personal staffs like drivers and so on.  For women, this mid life crisis may or may not be caused by the husband’s philandering ways;

5.       Well kept secrets – Some people can actually keep secrets. After 20 years of marriage, a man or woman can realize the spouse has been hiding some terrible stuff. Many married couples are yet to declare their love child. This leads to explosion in the relationship when discovered.

Whatever it is, I believe that if you have put up with it for 30 years, haba, what more? We know that the grass is always greener on the other side, but don’t you think someone has to be watering the garden?  Is it possible to be tired of working on a marriage relationship, I am sorry, wherever you head to in relationship, there is work to be done, Trust me.

Marriage is a long distance race; I guess the most successful and lasting marriages survives through all the turmoil and stress of life. Is it possible commitment to instant happiness and constant euphoria can mar what seems to be a potentially lasting union?

Single, good, successful and too much for marriage

Can you be too much for marriage? Yes. These days, I have started seeing people that have raised themselves above marriageable standards. By the time you hear them talk about men and women or the qualities they want in a spouse, you realize that they are simply too much to be bestowed to a singular “unworthy mortal”. Do you know how it is to get a Doctorate Degree holder to work as a Cashier? For some, marriage will not be possible unless they stop seeing themselves as some Doctorate Degree holders and their potential mates as Cashiers.

It is true that people have standards in life, and standards are good so that you will not fall for anything. But life is more complicated than standards and such flexibility and adjustments will always be vital to make a success out of any life venture.

One reason many are too qualified for marriage is the area of morality and decency. A young lady called a radio show one day, and described herself as “I am together”. If understand correctly, she has everything in the right proportion in the right places. Let’s assume you are actually so “together” and you feel you deserve a partner who is also as “together” as you are. This may be a challenge. You may find people who are always short of something you have or wish to have in your mate. What will you do?  We also have instances where people who have kept certain moral codes expect to find someone who may have met similar requirements. I am sorry, you have done yourself and God a great honour by remaining virgin till date, but if you don’t find a virgin to marry, there should not be a any issue. Believe me.

Another area is social class and family background. This is where many parents especially of the affluent stock are manipulating and frustrating the marital destiny of their children. They bring up the kids to grow up relating with only the affluent, and have no prospect of possibility of marrying anyone outside their social class. When and if they are ripe for marriage, Daddy or Mummy’s friends will always have a son or daughter who is ready to marry. Not bad, provided the couple find time to grow into each other, money alone we know will never solve marital issues.

The last and most annoying one is the upwardly mobile professional who feels getting married is so much of an impediment and too much favour to do for a man or woman. In this category, we find young women who are not ready to allow the rigours of marriage to affect their ability to devote everything, I mean everything to their jobs. In this category, we have people, who feel their potential mates are only there to enjoy their financial largesse, they are afraid true love does not exist. We also see these days that a whole generation of young ladies, most of whom the only thing they have is paid employment believing that the reason they are not married is that men are intimidated by their success. If you ask me, this is ridiculous. The men I know are looking for strong hardworking women to marry, where then are these intimidated men?  An average man in today’s harsh economy needs a woman who can be an asset to him. However, having a woman who can contribute financially is not the same as becoming a foot mat for the woman. Look at it this way, why is it that when men are doing fine, women do not feel intimidated? How come it is only when women have made it that intimidation comes in?

Of course if you are a movie star, men will only be careful to be sure that you are not what you do in movies, they are not really intimidated. But it is really difficult to make a guy comfortable around you when you have about ten tattoos and piercings in all the most unlikely places on your body.

 I will say it here, you may not believe it. While men have traditionally accepted their role as hunters and providers, and are eager to share with the women in their lives, women are just beginning to come into the “hunting ground”, and as such not used to sharing the spoils at all.  That is why most times whenever a woman becomes the breadwinner, there will be chaos in the family. It is only humble men that can withstand the scorning of a female breadwinner; we have seen some men walk out on both wife and children when they become jobless just because they could not stand the wife. It is also true that some men need to also come to terms with the fact when a woman is economically empowered, she may not be as humble as she should be, except she has grown a whole lot in maturity. Both men and women need to learn and grow more in this area.

If you are a guy out there, and you are intimidated because your woman has one or two nice cars, can pay her rent or even buy a house, I say to you, Shame!! And if you are a woman out there, who feel that a job gives you license to be better than any living man, I am sorry, have a re-think fast before you lose the game in the long run. Jobs will come and go, but nothing in life can replace a committed relationship.

The world is undergoing a new order, more women can now bring something apart from babies to the table, and this should not be a source of pride or intimidation. We should rather see it as simply perfecting the purpose of God, Adam and Eve all had jobs, we just need to submit to each other, complement each other and benefit from the blessings of marital partnership.

Why you should Marry

So many things have been written about this topic, but I just want to look at the issue from a slightly lighter but deeply important angle.

Marriage we all know is almost a cultural imperative in most climes, that is, when you get to a certain age, you are automatically marked for marriage. From that point, everything is done by all parties concerned until you eventually fulfil that requirement – transiting from single status to married life.

No doubt, this age long status quo has started receiving some knocks from here and there, and gradually it is becoming acceptable for some people to want to be left alone. We are coming to terms with terms like “Single mothers/fathers, “baby mama/papa”, what used to be an accidental occurrence is becoming standard and acceptable practice.

I quite agree that everything in life is a choice – God created us as free moral agents, we are completely at liberty to choose what we want in life, including the freedom to chose whether we even want God himself –  awesome amount of freedom, isn’t it? But does it mean we should use up all our liberties? Let’s move on from there.

Some have also argued that the Son Of God and some great Apostles were single for life. I believe you. But believe me, they had a calling and they received grace to maintain their singleness without breaking the heart of God with sin and scandals.

Mind you, we are not referring to people who have become single out of no fault of theirs, we are concerned about those who have for one reason or the other purposed that they will remain single for life.

People normally arrive at this line of reasoning when they feel they can do without whatsoever benefit marriage can provide, but can they truly do that? It is becoming common for young ladies with well paying jobs to see all young men as intimidated, gold digging, heart breaking and unfit souls and such prefer to run their race alone. We also have young men, who have come to feel no woman is worth the trouble, having been brutally hurt by women in the past and therefore want to remain single. Some have also opted for singlehood just because they had one or two kids down the line while growing up, thinking that marriage is all about procreation, they now feel there is no more need to get married. I am not too sure I have fully researched the impact of raising kids without the compliments of either parents, or even a replacement.

I quite sympathize with the fact that we all have bad experiences in the past, and we may tend to feel all men/women are the same; however, it pays to let the past go and do the right thing. It is painful to note that the person that hurt you has so moved on and has created a lovely family, while you have created a ministry of singleness to honour the evils he or she did to you. It is also possible that God has so much blessed you that you seem to have problem finding someone at your level, maybe you need to get some dosage of humility, just thinking.

You may want to ask why I am so bothered about getting everybody married. God designed marriage for partnership, companionship and protection. As you progress in your resolve to remain single, can you enjoy all the above benefits (which we all need), yes, without breaking the law of God and worse still creating problems for yourself? Can you enjoy companionship over a long term without getting someone pregnant or contacting infections and spiritual contamination?

Some who have vowed to remain single, are today enjoying evil partnerships and companionship with other people’s husbands and wives. Some ladies who thought singleness is a one-stop solution to all life problem have had reasons to replace loneliness with a child or two from different fathers in some instances, and having to live with the stress of “baby daddy” and sometimes raising kids alone. Some will come across their dream husbands, only after they have taken the wrong detour. I give you a thought, if the career prospects and wages available at age 28 when the lady decides to go alone ceases to exist at age 42 when she has 2 kids all by herself, I tell you, she will need men, I mean men, to help. I can credit myself with this thought, “a woman who will not submit to a man, will eventually have to live her life submitting to men”

 As a man, marriage is meant to provide you protection from the evil consequences of sinful indulgences. In these days of very fatal sexually transmitted diseases, can you really be protected when your doors remains open to all comers?

Before I forget, some have also argued that there is so much problems in marriages, they have friends who are married but sad, lonely and equally as sinful as some singles.  Some single girls, for the mere number of married men in their boyfriend/toasters portfolios actually believe that marriage may not be worth it.  Yea, I ask, have you seen all marriages? Is every married person on earth unhappy? Have you gotten advances from all married men on earth? If there is one happy marriage out there, and if there is one faithful husband/wife out there, then why not look at the bright side?

In conclusion, if you are not Jesus Christ or Paul the Apostle, re-examine your decision to remain single. Do not make permanent decision based on temporary situations, you may feel self-sufficient today, things do change you know, it is smarter to prayerfully safeguard your future, life and destiny by getting married. If you doubt if marriages still happens, drive around town on Saturdays, God can make it happen for you too.

Do not start what you do not have capacity to finish, say YES, and get married!!!

Realities of Marriage III

 

It is possible this whole reality of marriage thing is beginning to get on your nerves. Truly, I can identify with you because I understand how it feels, especially for those who are still aspiring to find their Mr or Miss Right. It must be very depressing being told that there is actually no such thing as Mr or Miss Right, we are all “damaged” by nature and only become manageable the grace of God. Even the best man of God is still a man. I am sorry, but let us say the truth and free our souls from condemnation and our destiny from bondage.
I have met several people in my lifetime who are walking around, not being able to fulfil their marital destiny because they feel God owe them some obligations to get married to someone that will guarantee them that feeling of having gotten it right 100%, the 10/10 thing.  No doubt, this is a good aspiration and I must confess some people do hit the target, yea, even though it may be for a while before it become clear that in life, storms and battles comes by nature, and they tend to change the equation somehow. Is this negative thinking? I don’t think so.

You can be the best thing that has happened to mankind, you may be the most prayerful woman around, you may even be that Lady that turned down all the juicy advances that would have given you temporary gains at the expense of your dignity,  does this guarantee that you meet a perfect man? Not really, I am sorry, we all deserve good things, but who is really the judge? We have established that we are all flawed one way or the other, even when we don’t know or cannot admit.

It should be noted that how you treat a bad situation can determine the final outcome. Marriage is work, I mean full time job requiring physical, emotional and spiritual investments. I know we all want "ready to drink" kind of juice from life, hey, someone has got to plant, groom, harvest and harness the fruits. If you pursue the perfection you can see at the moment, can you really guarantee the uncertain future? In real life, real things happen, people fall sick and get well, people make money and some lose money,  jobs come and jobs go, some beauty fade while some with rough edges can blossom, life is in a state of perpetual flux.  Marriage should be the culmination, I mean the crescendo of love, and love should be stronger than even death, love is sacrifice - it is not really availability of favourable conditions.
 
Many times, we make life impacting decisions based on temporary conditions coloured by false sense of entitlements motivated by selfish and mundane considerations. If marriage is based on commitment to serve and love, chances are that you may make decisions that is not 10/10, but deep down, you know you have taken giant steps in the right direction. If all you want is for marriage to “serve YOU”, you may as well continue to search for the ultimate man/woman who will come with all the promises he/she has no capacity to fulfil in the long run.

I want to advise, in choosing a mate, be the real you going into the relationship, and be realistic in your expectations of the other party, do not be stunned by the realities of marriage later in life.

Realities of Marriage II

When reality sets in, that is when the “relationship” should actually start. Relationship literally involves two mostly uneven and unequal parts interfacing and interacting closely to achieve a purpose. If this is held true, then I presume that the diminution of chemistry and acquisition of fresh pair of eyes for the purpose of scrutinizing the faults of your partner need not be the end of the union. It should actually be the beginning of the learning and adjustment phase of your union. What does it take?

Simply, living with mortals with all the defects that mortality has to offer involves first of all understanding the reality of human frailty. This is not a license to condone stupid behaviours. Others often fall short not because they are bad in themselves, but because we judge them with our own standards – most times, the other party is not even aware those standards exist anywhere, and even if he does, he or she has obviously been living with some other sets of rules. You see, naturally, we are all set on a collision course that only understanding can avert. Our inability to allow other people be themselves in a relationship often defines the health of the relationship; our ability to give room for differences can be a real saving grace in a relationship.

Reality sets in when real life issues begin to crop up in relationships, as expected, and couples are supposed to bring out their individual character to bear in finding mutually satisfactory or endurable solutions to the issues at stake. It is at this point that “Angels” start losing their shinning lights and the hallos begin to fade, as clash of wills may ensue especially for the unprepared at heart.
If you are coming together having spent at least two decades of your most formative years in different nesting environments, I believe it is realistic to expect some real differences.

Unfortunately, we set ourselves up by believing that there is something called “compatibility”. I am sorry to annoy you today, there is no such thing, we are all so uniquely crafted that the word compatibility is meaningless. Compatibility can work with machine parts, but humans are supposed to use their faculties to work out areas of differences in every situation. An ideal mate is not that person that likes everything you like, how will you learn and grow, what will be the value added? Moreover, would you really want to spend all your days with a “clone” of yourself?

Marriage is life, every known principle that work in life should work in marriage. We go to work every day with people from diverse background, and we get along and get the job done. We come across bosses and colleagues with real annoying behaviour, and we find ways around and keep peace to guaranty our pay check. We are able to achieve that because we are committed to the pay check, and that commitment in turn gingers maturity.  Maturity and commitment to growing the relationship is stronger than any differences and weakness you may find in your mate or potential spouse.

 If you doubt the fact that you should take responsibility for your relationship by accepting the imperfection, weaknesses and difference in others, please turn around and take a look at the man/woman in the mirror, is he/she perfect?

Realities of Marriage I

Everyone keeps talking about a certain factor called "reality" that comes into marital relationships post-wedding and turn things around. What is this reality actually? Why is this so called “reality” so pervasive and damaging to marital relationships?

 Indeed, Love they say is blind, but someone also said that marriage is an eye opener. But should Love really be blind or pretend to be? Let’s leave that for another occasion. Love usually happens with some fresh sparkles and the euphoria of a fresh combo generates some chemical reactions that literally affect ability to make “critical appraisal” of the entire situation. Essentially, people are usually blinded by the excitement of a “new thing” happening in their life and further deafened by the fear of losing out “yet again” and having to resume the search from scratch.

 Normally, with time, the chemical reactions begin to wane and the fear of losing out diminishes. This situation could be due to a variety of factors including the good old “I have got the trophy mentality”, familiarity, relapse to discontentment (usually from comparison and regrets), resentment caused by emergence of faults not previously identified and so many other factors.

 At this stage, it is so easy to see faults and count errors. The curtain seems to have fallen, the scales have been cleared and clear vision is restored. Truth is, most of the faults were always there, you just managed to see them now because other factors that were blurring your vision no longer hold. Most people at this point begin to feel it’s over with love and end up jumping out to catch the next high tide of emotional roller coaster.

 Truth is, the best of men are still men, and the most beautiful daughters of Eve on earth are all human after all. Won’t it be better to take stock of your assets and “liabilities” before signing for self-delusion? You can see the human in your lover now, and not the “Angel” you started out with. Meanwhile, it should comfort you to know that Angels are spiritual beings, and have no interest in mundane matters of the heart, so you and I are stuck with humanity.  It is possible you can argue that your spouse or mate is as “good” as an Angel, I truly thank God for you; you are breaking scriptures. Watch it, wake up and be real!!