The root of domestic violence

A lot of NGOs, movements, and careers are being built these days around the issue of domestic violence. Quite expectedly, violence in the home has assumed a very dangerous dimension in recent times.

So far, I see so much efforts on condemning the abusers, who are predominantly men and a few women who took fatal steps to show their anger to their spouse. However, nothing much is said about the underlying causes of these domestic acts of violence including the subtle ones which usually involves emotional and verbal abuses.

As far as we know, there can't be violence at home if there is no issue of disrespect and lack of love. We are not going to go into the argument of which one comes first, husband loving his wife, warts and all or the wife respecting her husband even when he has lost his common sense. The key thing is that violence will erupt if any of these two ingredients are missing, it does not matter which one is the first to disappear.

The best anyone can get from a respect-less and love-less marriage is marital showmanship (we are Mr and Mrs parole), anniversaries and maybe a few visits to the maternity wards....there can't be real fulfilment.

So I will think that we need NGOs and missions focused on teaching women to respect and honour their husbands, in words and actions even after realizing they are smarter and probably earn more. The men should also be taught to love with awareness and deep compassion, this is now different from the love that was based on her being "correct babe".

Whether it is the woman that is being physically abused, or the woman that is either physically or verbally assaulting or daring/teasing her man provocatively, the outcome is always bad and destructive. It is disappointing to go through the hassles to get married to live like that, I believe a new level of education is required to manage this ugly trend. Get on board with your thoughts and ideas.

How couples forfeit marital benefits

 

Some people have reasons to believe that marriage is over-rated. This is simply because there are lots of marriages that are not maximizing the benefits and potentials or just dysfunctional. This situation has made so many singles conclude that marriage may not be a big deal after all.

What are those things that married people do that easily under-mine the value of marriage, condemn the couples to long term unhappiness and give singles reasons to despair?

Anger and Resentment

This has to top the list and often triggered by the disappointment of waking up to the reality of human frailties your spouse may be prone to. Anger and resentment steals the joy of marital relationship. My advice here is this; you cannot harbour these negative feelings for the rest of your life, reconcile with the facts, find the positives in your relationship and enjoy life to the full. After all, no one out there is perfect and no one will ever meet all your needs.

Finances

Money issues – my money or your money or our money or even no money. Too much or too little of it, anyway you look at it, money or absence of it is a potential spoiler in marriage if not well managed. Young couples have peculiar challenges with finances, you have so many dreams and plans but the resources are limited. Hey, be content, find joy where you are, give yourselves a chance, focus on developing yourselves and growing together, you will certainly get there.

Physical Intimacy

It is very easy for things to slow down in the bedroom, especially if there are anger and financial issues somewhere. It may even be the kids. This is a great error in marriage. Obviously, it takes emotional balance to be intimate, and there are times the emotions are dry due to challenges of everyday life. But why not be intimate first, you have nothing to lose.  You may have a different opinion; but the fact is that a sexually active marriage definitely stands a better chance irrespective of all other challenges. So you just need to work this out, you must.

Prayer

Prayer of agreement is so effective, so it is a great loss to live together and not generate power to accomplish your life mission through praying together. I think praying together goes further to keep you in the spirit and keep the atmosphere in the relationship sane and well regulated.

Extended Family

Not blending properly with the family on both sides has marred so many marriages. This is a tricky subject considering the intrusive nature of our parents even after we get married. It may take close to another 100 years for Africans to understand that marriage is between two people. Letting your marriage slide into a Chelsea vs Arsenal situation is always a mistake. Whatever happens, wherever you want to stand, please stand together as a couple and enjoy the power of oneness.

Social outings

Couples who want to maximize their union must go places together and should engage in mutually beneficial social activities. Don’t let the stress of life squeeze fun out of your existence. Outings, events, date nights, vacations and so on will certainly help you re-discover your lost grounds in terms of quality time together.

If you are missing out on any of these, don’t worry, decide to make a brand new start today and you will recover your lost marital benefits.

When Ladies do the chasing

This is a topic I will rather not write about. This is not because I cannot accept the possibility of the female folks picking their men all by themselves. It is rather because relationship is an exclusive arrangement between two adults and I do believe that how it happens is something unique to the individuals involved.

That said, I have been troubled by recent interest of a few female talk show anchors on the subject of asking men out or proposing to men. One of such would-be “men chasers” claimed she was driving and noticed a guy in another car at a traffic stop. She tried asking for his number while the traffic light was on red, but to her greatest shock, the guy told her to try some other time. Recently, I also watched a video of a lady who tried proposing to her boyfriend in a football stadium, what she got was not expected – the guy took to his heels.

Some have interpreted the few failed experiences they had trying to woo men as reluctance from the men folk caused by cultural inhibitions and old fashioned mind set. They claim Nigerian men are intimidated by bold women who know what they want. Could this be true?

I have a few thoughts on this.

The first thing is that men are predators, and no predator is afraid of catching a prey. No offence intended please. Guys are always looking out to meet babes, so why would a guy freak out when a lady makes the job easier? I don’t get it. Some have said that guys are too shocked to be “toasted” that they don’t know when they have rejected the lady without thinking. Some have said some guys just could not deal with it. I still believe a good predator will not run from a prey no matter how strange the situation is. I am convinced that there are more Nigerian guys out there who will welcome being wooed by ladies; at least, the “job” has been made easier. I am sure a lot of guys are also tired of being rejected and embarrassed by unwilling ladies and will welcome the change with much joy.

So why would a guy turn down a lady?  I can think of a couple of reasons.

The number one reason is wrong timing. Why do you want to exchange numbers at Maryland bus traffic stop when both of you are in two different cars. Too odd I must say and it smacks of desperation or maybe a joke for some blog.  Why not try him somewhere else – work place, classroom, social event or even church after you are sure you are not dealing with a kidnapper or something.

Next is the fact that before you make advances at a guy, have you checked his marital status? If he is married or about to wed, he may not be willing to throw everything he has away for all the pleasures of an easy catch. A good predator will not kill for fun; he could let the game walk by if he is already full.

Not all eligible bachelors are actually interested in relationship. Mark that. That the guy is good looking, rides a nice car and lives alone in a nice neighbourhood does not mean he needs a companion. You simply don’t know his story and his destination.  

I would also consider the issue of taste. Even if you catch him at the right time and right place, what if a quick glance at you tells him you are not just his type? Hey, it is wrong for women to expect to be accepted by every man they make advances at because that is not possible. Who told you that a man will roll on the floor just because a woman is chasing him? Men have dealt with rejection from ladies for ages. So babes, welcome to the club, learn how to receive answers, and it could be yes, no or simply...excuse me.......

Now that ladies have joined the “toasters” club, I don’t believe the rules will change for their sake. The rules remain, good timing, conducive place for exchange, the choice factor, a dose of persistence and rejection management skills.

On a final note, though I don’t believe that women asking men out is new, I am worried again that the call for liberty to “toast” is coming at a time the issue of rape is gaining good air time. I am not saying asking a man out means asking for rape but it will be good to advise that when you go toasting men, remember to apply common sense, go slow, and get to know the man. Remember that the speed at which you give your body to a man does not determine the quality and ultimate destination of the relationship.

Good luck ladies. Happy toasting and remember to share your experience here.

 

Preserving love in challenging times

 

We all want to fall in love and remain happily in love for as long as we live. Not an impossible task though, it's just that in life, things do happen that will shake the foundations of things we hold dear.

A lot of relationships, I mean a lot and not all, started on pleasant terms - everything was just ok at the beginning. Problem is that, life happens...government policies change, companies relocate or fold up, businesses collapse and graduates are stranded in the labour market.

How do you manage and adjust to change, especially the economic factors and still remain in love?

Like any other thing in life and relationships, there may not be a single formula, it all depends on the peculiar situation. Irrespective of what is lost, be it job, business, or even a dream, what matters is the commitment to work it out together.

Beyond commitment, the next factor will be humility. It does not matter who is bringing home the bacon, humility must be the watch word. Marriage should not end or become abusive simply because financial roles are reversed.

Someone has to make sacrifices. At times, both parties will have to sacrifice something, either their money or their pride to be able to turn the tide over time. Someone may need to go back to school, or learn a new skill and someone got to part with money or work harder to provide the required support.

The last thing I want to talk about is teamwork. Team work is necessary because ideas and support for pushing those ideas may be necessary on the pathway to recovery.

The worst thing that can happen to a partner whose condition has changed or who has not been able to achieve life aspirations is to lose the support and respect of the other partner. It is betrayal on the deepest level.  

On the flip side, victory will taste sweeter if you ride the waves and get to the other side to savour the victories together. At that point, what you get is not just love, but trust and deep assurance.

I pray your love is not tested, but if you do get there, just know that you can come out stronger and even better.

Please drop your comments, we will like to share from your experience on this or related issues.