Top 7 Marriage Killers You Need To Know

Divorce is becoming very common, even in the church. The marriage institution is fast losing credibility to the extent that singles now dread entering marriage, but for the fact that society and family will not let them be.
It is quite fascinating to see so many relationships falling apart these days. I have never seen anybody who said, “I hate you, so let us get married”, it is always about love, affection, friendship, understanding, trust and all the good stuffs that happens before marriage. When you look at every wedding invite, everybody seems to be getting married to their best friend, Love of their lives, their Angels and so on, and I begin to wonder who then is getting divorced now and whatever happened to all those good and positive qualities that were printed on the wedding invitation cards.

For every divorce story, there is always a thread of issues that are almost common. The intention here is to expose these common causes of divorce and thereafter begin to take detailed look at each of them and more in subsequent articles.

The Deception of Compatibility

Compatibility is a myth that many will never understand, it is the greatest deception hindering marital fulfilment. The quest for compatibility has delayed so many from getting married and wrecked so many homes. The major reasons cited for divorce in recent times has been that “we are no longer compatible”. The question is, were you ever compatible?  Was the incompatibility imparted during the wedding ceremony? Because I am sure these people once felt they were very compatible.

What do people seek for in compatibility? Plain and simple, they need someone that is exactly like them in every way. Sometimes, people feel compatible when they meet someone who is able to absorb all their imperfections.  In each of these instances, calamity will strike. No one will be like you;  we are all unique and different in every way. On the other hand, no one will take in your imperfections forever without reacting to either correct or improve you.

A single guy meets a Lady at the club, and they feel compatible clubbing and night crawling together, and they get married,  not too long into the marriage, the Lady begin to show signs of weariness in clubbing, maybe she was just doing it out of peer pressure or the need to meet the opposite sex, what will happen to her compatible husband? On the hand, a very gentle introvert meets a very temperamental and outgoing Lady and he feels he needs someone with more sparks to bring excitement into his dull life. They get married only for him to start admonishing her on how to manage her temper and be more homely, what will happen?

From the foregoing, it is obvious compatibility does not exist, no one is compatible, and we are all unique creatures with different needs, temperament, attitude, beliefs, upbringing and lifestyles.  Amos 3:3 does not mean we must agree on everything before we walk together, the key thing is for us to “agree to walk together”, catch that?

What makes a happy union is for two different individuals to come together and commit to a life of continuous adjustments which will involve making changes where necessary to accommodate each other.

The Real Issues.............

We have established that incompatibility is a lame excuse for divorce; let us now examine the real issues.

Sex and Intimacy

It is either not enough or too much, too basic or too advanced.  Either way, someone is feeling short-changed, dissatisfied or abused. The deal breaker here is lack of result-oriented communication and failure to make necessary adjustments to accommodate competing needs of each of the parties involved.  I have seen people opening up about their sexual needs to their Ex-partners instead of approaching their spouse. It is important spouses are open to such discussions to avoid hidden fantasies from manifesting in wrong places. Sex like any other thing in life is subject to improvement and upgrades.  It is stupid to give up a good marriage because of something you can easily work on.

Infidelity

Most relationships will not survive an unfaithful act by any of the partners.  Cheating accounts for most relationship break up prior to marriage, and still contribute to a large percentage of divorce world-wide. When men give in to their primitive tag of being “hunters”, they are actually “unstoppable” as they will want to go from one conquest to the other. For both men and women, failure to tame the natural wandering and covetous mind will lead to an endless desire to give in to the curiosity of chasing varieties.  Variety they say is the spice of life, but in marriage, variety spells doom and death. Marriage is an exclusive union between a man and a woman, the edge and the  hedge is in the exclusivity.

Infidelity is not just limited to sexual acts, but can also included emotional relationships often characterized by secret phone pals, online friends, BB chat partners, special work place friendships, and other contemporary and subtle forms of infidelities.

Discontentment/Regrets
Because marriage is a marathon rather than sprint, people usually begin to wax cold and slow over time and what used to be special may just become ordinary.  Unrealistic expectations not met will lead to a state of disillusionment. This is the point people start comparing apples with oranges; even the abusive and cheating ex-lover may just look like a better option all over again. This is the stage where a man can consider his maid a better wife material than the Madam he worked so hard to marry.
Good news to all regretful souls, even your other pre and post marital options have flaws too, if you doubt, just try switching camp.  Have you seen any episode of “wife swap”? I know someone who while in his third marriage, decided that come what may, he will rather die in it than try another one, it took him three attempts to see the light. You know, the grass always appear greener on the other side, you will never know the true colour until you get there.

Negative Temperaments
In this category is a whole lot of very dangerous emotions and attitudes that spells doom for any relationship. Anger in the home can open doors to just anything. I personally suggest people deal with anger before getting married. Anger can single-handedly wreck a marriage, most of the things said and done in anger are not easily forgotten and this weakens the relationship over time.

Inability to offer and receive forgiveness is also a major factor. Couples sometimes expect too much from each other, and whenever reality differs from expected behaviours, resentment may follow.  It is easy to look down on someone when weaknesses begin to manifest. It is important that couples acknowledge that we are all humans and learn to show mercy to each other’s faults and weaknesses. Before you cast the stone on your partner, examine yourself, maybe you deserve a stone or two too. Forgiveness has its deepest application in a marriage setting, nowhere is the seventy times seven times rule in forgiveness so relevant than in marriage. Showing mercy to your partner in his or her errors and faults is probably the best way to keep a stable and happy home.

Money/Greed

Managing finance in relationships can be thorny. It takes a couple who are dedicated to each other and committed to a joint vision to have a stress free marriage with money issues. Any attempt for any of the partner in the relationship to deploy finances for purposes other than the cause of the union without mutual consent can breed crisis.

Money is so important in marriage that both the absence of it and the abundance thereof can cause problems. Poor couples and rich ones alike have money issues.  No matter how rich a man is, he will react if he finds himself with a woman who is bent on reducing his net worth or erode his capacity to save with frivolous expenditure; many marriages have been wrecked by women who believe that money is meant to be spent. Many men have also driven their wives crazy by insisting on being the one to administer the wife’s income.

Check if money has become the master in your marriage.

Pride/Lack of Submission & Accountability

Sometimes, people just become uncontrollable as the day goes by in relationships. Pride breeds contempt, naughtiness, eliminates accountability, and this happens when people have lost respect for each other. This is usually the beginning of the end for such relationships.

 A good marriage thrives on a good balance of love, respect and submission. Men who have poor understanding of submission easily want to make submission appear like slavery and end up creating rebellious wives. It is important that men love and cherish their wives and women should not take a loving man for granted.

External Pressure: Family and friends

It is common for family members to seek to continue to dominate and control the life of someone by trying to “plant” a spouse in the person’s life. Such family members can become desperate when their aim was not achieved and will continue to look for opportunities to prove their point.

Friends and family who initially harboured some reservations about the union have a way of coming back to remind you that, “you see, we told you”. Let truth be told, if you had married the other guy or Lady they wanted for you, you may still have one issue or the other. There is nothing happening in your marriage that is strange, so yield not to these pressures to condemn your union.

Hope for All

Examine your relationship in the light of the above and take drastic actions to prevent the situation from degenerating further. The truth is that every marriage can be redeemed, it does not matter what stage of decay it is right now, begin to retrace your steps and commit to positive habits and actions, and you will see the dead rise, even in marriage.

Co - Provider or Co - Controller: When Money becomes a game-changer in Marriage

This topic would have been totally out of place in the past when all it took to be a wife was to sit back at home and ensure the house is in order, kids are doing great and there is food on the table for the master of the house. But today, the dynamics have changed. No one is waiting at home for the master to come back, some still do though, either waiting for a job opening or a business plan to develop, and of course, there is still a remnant of those who believe the man must carry his burden full time.

We are talking about those who have moved on to the modern trend, where both the man and the woman are out there trying to earn a living and also fulfil some life aspirations. The modern life has become so expensive that it takes more than one “normal” income to keep the family going. It is possible the man do earn some “abnormal income” and can afford to pay his wife to sit at home, I am talking about the rest of us who are just regular guys. Even Obama in the book “The Audacity of Hope” did acknowledged that it truly takes two to tango in today’s dance floor of family life. The man Obama has a wife who understood this fact, and no wonder he is the No. 1 man today.

As a matter of fact, this concept of stay at home wife has no historical reputation.  Our grandmothers stayed at home, but to be fair to them, they were also very productive economically. Some of them were able to combine multiple economic activities with their home making roles. I can recall my grandmother was a farmer, trader as well as a wife. So it will be so absurd to see a 21^st century woman or even man saying that women should do nothing but stay at home. I am sorry to say, even if the assignment is to breed 6 kids, I tell you, that woman sure do have capacity for something else in addition, just try her!!

If we have agreed that life will be easier for the family and the man will achieve more if his wife has her hands on the plough also, then how has this affected the psyche of both men and women in marital relationships or even before marriage and how does this situation affect the dynamics of marriage?

Dr Peggy Drexler posted on her blog recently how men are hoping their wives are able to earn income and yet could not handle it when the woman actually does earn more than the men.  While I agree that money can be a divisive factor in any relationship, I certainly do not believe that men will have issues once their wives earn money or even earns more than them. I also do not agree with the believe that young men are scared or intimidated when they meet successful young ladies. It is like saying, I have malaria but I do not want to take drugs, I cannot imagine any right thinking man, who will walk away from a successful and humble woman.

I know someone will like to ask, why should the woman be humble when she is the one paying the bills? That is exactly where the problem is. It is expected that money connotes power, and once woman comes in contact with cash, she may begin to exude power that may conflict with the existing power structure in the relationship.

Gender Struggles, Money and Power
While men have accepted their fate as providers and see no big deal in emptying their bank accounts to keep the family going, the act of providing is still novel to women, yes, and most women struggle with the realization that the family is dependent on them even when they have the means. In the wake of the massive job losses following the recession, cases of wives with well paying jobs walking away from marriages abound, they just could not take up the responsibility, and they needed to move on with another man who still has the means to make them feel like women – “taken care of”. So many proposed marriages were cancelled by the mere fact that the man has been separated from his source of income, and the woman cannot afford to risk stepping into that life of uncertainty.
Again, women who chose to stay as co-provider or even sole provider suddenly feel a surge of power, and will like to dominate, more like reversing the genders since the balance of power has shifted.  Most women who now have financial advantage over their husbands will feel cheated if the man does not step up in his domestic responsibilities. It is more like, you are the one at home now, you should as well do the chores. Though it makes sense that he who stays home should do the chores, but the approach should not be the one that rubs salt on a man’s bruised ego already battered by unfulfilled dreams. If your husband has never been to the Meat market before when the going was good, why do you want to send him there all because you now contribute to the family welfare?  When he was the sole provider, he used to indulge in Premiership Football on TV every weekend, why should you harass him for being a couch potato just because you now earn more?  Think for a second, woman.

Even though I believe that a man should take up some domestic assignments irrespective of his financial status, it is killing for a man to be turned to a house maid, all because he is no longer financially buoyant. Such women without knowing have castrated their husbands, no matter how much you are spending to feed him and pay the kids’ school fees, and no matter how much you spend to look beautiful, he is no longer going to find you attractive, because you are now like his Master’s wife or Mother, and no sane man will be attracted to his mother. It is not uncommon for men in that situation to exit the relationship when they find a woman who understands their situations and respects them for who they are,  or wait until their estate improves before severing ties, at that stage, the erstwhile partner will be crying blue murder and calling the man ingrate.

Looking for Champions and nursing wounded Champions

There is a great contradiction in the way men and women are wired that requires some skills to harness. Men are wired to be champions and women are wired to be attracted to champions. You married a man because he was “your champion” back then, but now he seems to have lost his championship, most impatient and weak livered women will move on to find the next champ, but a woman who understands the power she has will put on her magic wand and begin to nurse the wounds of this ex-champ and nourish him back to reckoning. Delilah knew how to nurse a battered and battle weary warrior; women need to learn a thing or two from her skills. I have seen women trying to return to a man they dumped when he went down,  they now want him back because he is now back on his two feet as a man, how irresponsible can people be?

Eve was created to assist Adam,  and she was accountable to him as he was to God, disaster struck when she took laws into her hands. Most women easily feel invincible once they have source of income, and at that point, men become dispensable to them.  It becomes a case of “I can have another you in a minute”.  Some even fear that investing in a man when he is down is futile as men will always turn against you when they rise again. Hey, don’t forget that he married you when he was up. Some just believe that when money comes, it is time to show the man you are now in charge. These are all very destructive thoughts in marriage. The irony of it all is that women that behave like this only became whatever they are through the influence and investment of the same men. I often wonder how women easily feel it is wrong to marry a man who is yet to “make it”, even when it is obvious the guy is heading somewhere, and yet men marry women who are not even close to making it all the time.

For Better, For Worse was the Vow.....

Marriage is a lifelong commitment, diverse experiences will come along the way and blessings can come from any angle to the family. No partner has the right to feel larger than life due to individual success, whatever you have now is a blessing from God to the family as a unit. If you remain humble in your blessings, chances are that your falling partner will rise faster and in no time, you will enjoy restoration and recovery on all fronts.

Kudos to women who have stood by their men with love, dedication and respect in tough times.  I have seen so many strong women who have weathered the storms in times of difficulties in the life of their men.

Consider it a privilege that God is blessing your family through you, do whatever you can do to keep your partner motivated and upbeat about life, have faith in the relationship and your investments will yield fruits over time. Let us resist the “fast food” and “ready-made”  approach  to relationships, you cannot keep running from one pasture to the other looking for the green portion, water your own garden today!!

Marital Infidelity: Who takes the blame? (Part 2)

It is amazing that we can blame one person for the personal weaknesses of another. How could a husband or wife stop their spouse from making the “choice” to go out and seek out another partner? Do not forget that the cheating partner also has the choice to remedy whatever problem that is limiting his or her happiness in the marriage.

An illicit affair does not usually happen by chance, it does not just hit you like thunder as you walk on the street, and Infidelity is a process with ample exit opportunities. You see and feel the desire, you pursue or allow a pursuit, you yield and you go further to make clandestine arrangements to cover up the indecencies, and at each stage, you have the chance to opt out. Cheating is a deliberate act carried out by a willing soul from a yielded heart, and really has little to with what another person did or failed to do. You can take this to the bank!!

 

I am yet to see any couple that took a vow that says “if I am not happy with you, I will cheat on you”. If you know you are built to pay back every act of displeasure from your partner with one amorous affair or the other, won’t you rather consider living single and free to roam? Why do people want to keep their Marital Status intact while they roam the streets doing what even single people are too ashamed to do? Are you aware that the marital vow includes a line that says “forsaking all other men or women”? Have you explored all avenues to resolve issues with your spouse before looking outside? I bet you, looking outside “is in you” and has always been, if not, when it comes to you as a tempting thought, it will never develop into an act.

 

I will like to conclude by saying that it does not matter what your spouse did to you, and I don’t care who you are cheating with – driver, boss at the office, maid, ex-lover, business partner, church member or even pastor, it is your choice and you are fully responsible for your actions. Your husband or wife can be the best, and you still yearn for the forbidden taste of illicit pleasure because you are yet to deal with the issue in your heart, you will still yearn for the sour taste of wanton lust.

 

I will advise every married man or woman to take responsibility and take charge of what goes on in their hearts. Communicate your needs to your partner and work out a mutually beneficial plan to have your needs met within the confines of your marriage. Remember that no one is perfect and no situation is perfect, even cheating will not satisfy you as it sooner or later will introduce life changing complications. It will interest you to note that, most of the time, the third party involved is not even good enough as wife or husband, and again, you are just an additional option of pleasure for him or her by the mere fact that you are married. It is important to note that whatever is not working well in your marriage today probably worked perfectly at the beginning, why not make it work again, together without desecrating your marital bed and exposing your life risk of STDs and reproach that comes when what happened in darkness comes to light.

 

Indulging in infidelity as a married person is like being the Chief Medical Director of a Hospital, and sneaking into a Juju shrine for some un-branded, un-tested, un-licensed and dangerous concoctions meant to cure an unknown illness. Enjoy the protection that marriage offers, stay within your bounds and explore limitless possibilities to attain happiness with your spouse!!

 

Concluded.

Marital Infidelity: Who takes the blame? (Part 1)

A married man is found to be cheating on his wife, and we need to find someone to blame, who will be your most likely culprit? Or on the flip side, a wife has found pleasure in her colleague, boss or an old school mate, whose fault is it? Is it the cheat,  the offended spouse, the third party, or is it the notorious devil, or even God himself?

Ladies and Gentlemen, Who should be blamed when a married man or woman becomes unfaithful to the vow and begin to swim in the murky waters of illicit relationships?

The problem of infidelity has become so endemic that it accounts for a larger percentage of the causes of divorce today, and its effect is not limited to any religion. People who cheat on their partners are from a wide range of creeds and beliefs including Pentecostals, charismatic, orthodox, and others.

Some will like to give reasons like childhood abuse, societal influence, peer pressure, mid-life crisis as the likely reasons why married men tend to become even more randy than single men today. However, apart from Tiger Woods who felt “entitled” to amassing a harem of sex partners, other men caught in the very act are always prompt in pointing fingers at their wives for allegedly not meeting their sexual needs or not having enough respect for their leadership. Women too easily lay blame on their husbands’ door steps when they fail to keep their vows of fidelity. Women easily claim their husbands are no longer romantic or loving, hence the need for them to find love, attention and romance somewhere else.

Life and society has become more complex as we evolve into a modern way of life. Husbands and wives now find themselves on the road most times and spend long hours at work. Even those who are not travelling Executives still have limited intimate moments due to the demand for time to meet up with career and personal development goals. It is even possible that couples can be right there at home together, but cannot connect due to pressures from within and without. This situation creates some kind of challenge for couples and reduces their ability to meet each other’s basic needs in the marriage.

Would you rather fall into an immoral affair in this circumstance instead of evaluating the cause of the problem and seeking solutions? Have you assessed the problem critically and see how you can offer remedies? Have you done enough to get your spouse to give you what you want yet? Have you discussed the issues to see where your expectations are either abnormal or unattainable? Are you sure where you are heading to will give you that satisfaction over time? Is the price of your inappropriate behaviours worth it?

Back to the main issue, a man was recently found to be chronically involved in multiple marriages, and all he could do was to blame each and every woman he has been with for the collapse of the relationships. How come in each case, he was always the right one, all three partners were bad? We also hear people advising wives to try and do more to hold their men. We also have instances where husbands had to swallow their pride and admit “causing” their partners’ infidelities. Well, it is possible they caused it, however, accepting guilt for a partners’indiscretions may not really help the cheating partner to take responsibility for their behaviours.

Even though I truly believe that each party in a relationship must do certain things to keep their partners happy, however, I do not believe that you can do anything to tame a discontented randy heart.

To be continued.

Marriage, finance and burden of the previous generation

I heard the phrase “backward investment of value” some days ago on a radio programme, and it really made sense. I will like to share a problem that is so deep in Africa that it appears so normal and so dangerously eating deep into the fabrics of marital happiness and couples’ ability to provide for their future.

Future, Yes, that is what young couples are so supposed to be doing, planning and investing in their future, and believe me, this goes beyond paying inflated sums of money as kids school fees in any exotic school you can think of. I will touch more on this later.

We understand that by the very act of marriage, we are supposed to “leave our parents and cleave to our partners”, but in Africa, majority get married and yet cleaving to their family even more than they did prior to marriage. The pressure introduced by financial needs of both parents and siblings has been one of the major causes of marital crisis in this part of the world. Marriages have been torn apart by people who could not put the interest of their marriage ahead of the needs of their family. In-laws have instigated unnecessary crisis in marriages especially when they feel the couple is not evenly generous to both sides of the divide.

Couples today are stuck with parents and extended family members  who basically feel entitled to be “taken care of” and as such they continue to invest in the past and have nothing left for their future.

This is so because the only thing most parents have as retirement plan is the children who are now parents with their own responsibilities too. In this circumstance, you are bound to see yourself as the “ultimate helper” your family dearly needs, and you may as well continue in this role until your own kids are married with children and you are now retired, empty, and broke with no plan for survival. You see, a generational cycle has been created, does this sound normal to you, or would I provoke a desire in you to break the cycle of generational poverty and dependency?

Before I conclude, I want to state that I have read the Bible through many times; I have not seen where children are commanded to take care of their parents. We are commanded to “honour” our parents, Jacob honoured his father by giving him his best meal, not every day meal, you see? What the Bible said is that, “a good man will leave an inheritance for his children and children children”. You see that we have turned it upside down!

I do not really know where you are today, you may be the bread-winner of a whole clan of people and you feel justified carrying the weight, think for a moment, you are hoping your own kids and siblings will take care of you at old age, that is why you are training them? Why not break the cycle? Why can’t you be the “good man or woman” that will leave an inheritance for the future generations instead of waiting to transfer the burden of generational lack and poverty to them?

You can take care of your parents and grand-parents and all the offspring within the clan if you can, you can pay schools fees for your kids in the best scholls around, but if you are not investing in your own future, I mean, “you” as a future, then you have failed. I know one very honest man (yes, he worked for his money) who is now deceased, but his investments are still feeding his children who are now in the third and fourth generations. What will be your own story?