Co - Provider or Co - Controller: When Money becomes a game-changer in Marriage

This topic would have been totally out of place in the past when all it took to be a wife was to sit back at home and ensure the house is in order, kids are doing great and there is food on the table for the master of the house. But today, the dynamics have changed. No one is waiting at home for the master to come back, some still do though, either waiting for a job opening or a business plan to develop, and of course, there is still a remnant of those who believe the man must carry his burden full time.

We are talking about those who have moved on to the modern trend, where both the man and the woman are out there trying to earn a living and also fulfil some life aspirations. The modern life has become so expensive that it takes more than one “normal” income to keep the family going. It is possible the man do earn some “abnormal income” and can afford to pay his wife to sit at home, I am talking about the rest of us who are just regular guys. Even Obama in the book “The Audacity of Hope” did acknowledged that it truly takes two to tango in today’s dance floor of family life. The man Obama has a wife who understood this fact, and no wonder he is the No. 1 man today.

As a matter of fact, this concept of stay at home wife has no historical reputation.  Our grandmothers stayed at home, but to be fair to them, they were also very productive economically. Some of them were able to combine multiple economic activities with their home making roles. I can recall my grandmother was a farmer, trader as well as a wife. So it will be so absurd to see a 21^st century woman or even man saying that women should do nothing but stay at home. I am sorry to say, even if the assignment is to breed 6 kids, I tell you, that woman sure do have capacity for something else in addition, just try her!!

If we have agreed that life will be easier for the family and the man will achieve more if his wife has her hands on the plough also, then how has this affected the psyche of both men and women in marital relationships or even before marriage and how does this situation affect the dynamics of marriage?

Dr Peggy Drexler posted on her blog recently how men are hoping their wives are able to earn income and yet could not handle it when the woman actually does earn more than the men.  While I agree that money can be a divisive factor in any relationship, I certainly do not believe that men will have issues once their wives earn money or even earns more than them. I also do not agree with the believe that young men are scared or intimidated when they meet successful young ladies. It is like saying, I have malaria but I do not want to take drugs, I cannot imagine any right thinking man, who will walk away from a successful and humble woman.

I know someone will like to ask, why should the woman be humble when she is the one paying the bills? That is exactly where the problem is. It is expected that money connotes power, and once woman comes in contact with cash, she may begin to exude power that may conflict with the existing power structure in the relationship.

Gender Struggles, Money and Power
While men have accepted their fate as providers and see no big deal in emptying their bank accounts to keep the family going, the act of providing is still novel to women, yes, and most women struggle with the realization that the family is dependent on them even when they have the means. In the wake of the massive job losses following the recession, cases of wives with well paying jobs walking away from marriages abound, they just could not take up the responsibility, and they needed to move on with another man who still has the means to make them feel like women – “taken care of”. So many proposed marriages were cancelled by the mere fact that the man has been separated from his source of income, and the woman cannot afford to risk stepping into that life of uncertainty.
Again, women who chose to stay as co-provider or even sole provider suddenly feel a surge of power, and will like to dominate, more like reversing the genders since the balance of power has shifted.  Most women who now have financial advantage over their husbands will feel cheated if the man does not step up in his domestic responsibilities. It is more like, you are the one at home now, you should as well do the chores. Though it makes sense that he who stays home should do the chores, but the approach should not be the one that rubs salt on a man’s bruised ego already battered by unfulfilled dreams. If your husband has never been to the Meat market before when the going was good, why do you want to send him there all because you now contribute to the family welfare?  When he was the sole provider, he used to indulge in Premiership Football on TV every weekend, why should you harass him for being a couch potato just because you now earn more?  Think for a second, woman.

Even though I believe that a man should take up some domestic assignments irrespective of his financial status, it is killing for a man to be turned to a house maid, all because he is no longer financially buoyant. Such women without knowing have castrated their husbands, no matter how much you are spending to feed him and pay the kids’ school fees, and no matter how much you spend to look beautiful, he is no longer going to find you attractive, because you are now like his Master’s wife or Mother, and no sane man will be attracted to his mother. It is not uncommon for men in that situation to exit the relationship when they find a woman who understands their situations and respects them for who they are,  or wait until their estate improves before severing ties, at that stage, the erstwhile partner will be crying blue murder and calling the man ingrate.

Looking for Champions and nursing wounded Champions

There is a great contradiction in the way men and women are wired that requires some skills to harness. Men are wired to be champions and women are wired to be attracted to champions. You married a man because he was “your champion” back then, but now he seems to have lost his championship, most impatient and weak livered women will move on to find the next champ, but a woman who understands the power she has will put on her magic wand and begin to nurse the wounds of this ex-champ and nourish him back to reckoning. Delilah knew how to nurse a battered and battle weary warrior; women need to learn a thing or two from her skills. I have seen women trying to return to a man they dumped when he went down,  they now want him back because he is now back on his two feet as a man, how irresponsible can people be?

Eve was created to assist Adam,  and she was accountable to him as he was to God, disaster struck when she took laws into her hands. Most women easily feel invincible once they have source of income, and at that point, men become dispensable to them.  It becomes a case of “I can have another you in a minute”.  Some even fear that investing in a man when he is down is futile as men will always turn against you when they rise again. Hey, don’t forget that he married you when he was up. Some just believe that when money comes, it is time to show the man you are now in charge. These are all very destructive thoughts in marriage. The irony of it all is that women that behave like this only became whatever they are through the influence and investment of the same men. I often wonder how women easily feel it is wrong to marry a man who is yet to “make it”, even when it is obvious the guy is heading somewhere, and yet men marry women who are not even close to making it all the time.

For Better, For Worse was the Vow.....

Marriage is a lifelong commitment, diverse experiences will come along the way and blessings can come from any angle to the family. No partner has the right to feel larger than life due to individual success, whatever you have now is a blessing from God to the family as a unit. If you remain humble in your blessings, chances are that your falling partner will rise faster and in no time, you will enjoy restoration and recovery on all fronts.

Kudos to women who have stood by their men with love, dedication and respect in tough times.  I have seen so many strong women who have weathered the storms in times of difficulties in the life of their men.

Consider it a privilege that God is blessing your family through you, do whatever you can do to keep your partner motivated and upbeat about life, have faith in the relationship and your investments will yield fruits over time. Let us resist the “fast food” and “ready-made”  approach  to relationships, you cannot keep running from one pasture to the other looking for the green portion, water your own garden today!!