Top 7 Marriage Killers You Need To Know

Divorce is becoming very common, even in the church. The marriage institution is fast losing credibility to the extent that singles now dread entering marriage, but for the fact that society and family will not let them be.
It is quite fascinating to see so many relationships falling apart these days. I have never seen anybody who said, “I hate you, so let us get married”, it is always about love, affection, friendship, understanding, trust and all the good stuffs that happens before marriage. When you look at every wedding invite, everybody seems to be getting married to their best friend, Love of their lives, their Angels and so on, and I begin to wonder who then is getting divorced now and whatever happened to all those good and positive qualities that were printed on the wedding invitation cards.

For every divorce story, there is always a thread of issues that are almost common. The intention here is to expose these common causes of divorce and thereafter begin to take detailed look at each of them and more in subsequent articles.

The Deception of Compatibility

Compatibility is a myth that many will never understand, it is the greatest deception hindering marital fulfilment. The quest for compatibility has delayed so many from getting married and wrecked so many homes. The major reasons cited for divorce in recent times has been that “we are no longer compatible”. The question is, were you ever compatible?  Was the incompatibility imparted during the wedding ceremony? Because I am sure these people once felt they were very compatible.

What do people seek for in compatibility? Plain and simple, they need someone that is exactly like them in every way. Sometimes, people feel compatible when they meet someone who is able to absorb all their imperfections.  In each of these instances, calamity will strike. No one will be like you;  we are all unique and different in every way. On the other hand, no one will take in your imperfections forever without reacting to either correct or improve you.

A single guy meets a Lady at the club, and they feel compatible clubbing and night crawling together, and they get married,  not too long into the marriage, the Lady begin to show signs of weariness in clubbing, maybe she was just doing it out of peer pressure or the need to meet the opposite sex, what will happen to her compatible husband? On the hand, a very gentle introvert meets a very temperamental and outgoing Lady and he feels he needs someone with more sparks to bring excitement into his dull life. They get married only for him to start admonishing her on how to manage her temper and be more homely, what will happen?

From the foregoing, it is obvious compatibility does not exist, no one is compatible, and we are all unique creatures with different needs, temperament, attitude, beliefs, upbringing and lifestyles.  Amos 3:3 does not mean we must agree on everything before we walk together, the key thing is for us to “agree to walk together”, catch that?

What makes a happy union is for two different individuals to come together and commit to a life of continuous adjustments which will involve making changes where necessary to accommodate each other.

The Real Issues.............

We have established that incompatibility is a lame excuse for divorce; let us now examine the real issues.

Sex and Intimacy

It is either not enough or too much, too basic or too advanced.  Either way, someone is feeling short-changed, dissatisfied or abused. The deal breaker here is lack of result-oriented communication and failure to make necessary adjustments to accommodate competing needs of each of the parties involved.  I have seen people opening up about their sexual needs to their Ex-partners instead of approaching their spouse. It is important spouses are open to such discussions to avoid hidden fantasies from manifesting in wrong places. Sex like any other thing in life is subject to improvement and upgrades.  It is stupid to give up a good marriage because of something you can easily work on.

Infidelity

Most relationships will not survive an unfaithful act by any of the partners.  Cheating accounts for most relationship break up prior to marriage, and still contribute to a large percentage of divorce world-wide. When men give in to their primitive tag of being “hunters”, they are actually “unstoppable” as they will want to go from one conquest to the other. For both men and women, failure to tame the natural wandering and covetous mind will lead to an endless desire to give in to the curiosity of chasing varieties.  Variety they say is the spice of life, but in marriage, variety spells doom and death. Marriage is an exclusive union between a man and a woman, the edge and the  hedge is in the exclusivity.

Infidelity is not just limited to sexual acts, but can also included emotional relationships often characterized by secret phone pals, online friends, BB chat partners, special work place friendships, and other contemporary and subtle forms of infidelities.

Discontentment/Regrets
Because marriage is a marathon rather than sprint, people usually begin to wax cold and slow over time and what used to be special may just become ordinary.  Unrealistic expectations not met will lead to a state of disillusionment. This is the point people start comparing apples with oranges; even the abusive and cheating ex-lover may just look like a better option all over again. This is the stage where a man can consider his maid a better wife material than the Madam he worked so hard to marry.
Good news to all regretful souls, even your other pre and post marital options have flaws too, if you doubt, just try switching camp.  Have you seen any episode of “wife swap”? I know someone who while in his third marriage, decided that come what may, he will rather die in it than try another one, it took him three attempts to see the light. You know, the grass always appear greener on the other side, you will never know the true colour until you get there.

Negative Temperaments
In this category is a whole lot of very dangerous emotions and attitudes that spells doom for any relationship. Anger in the home can open doors to just anything. I personally suggest people deal with anger before getting married. Anger can single-handedly wreck a marriage, most of the things said and done in anger are not easily forgotten and this weakens the relationship over time.

Inability to offer and receive forgiveness is also a major factor. Couples sometimes expect too much from each other, and whenever reality differs from expected behaviours, resentment may follow.  It is easy to look down on someone when weaknesses begin to manifest. It is important that couples acknowledge that we are all humans and learn to show mercy to each other’s faults and weaknesses. Before you cast the stone on your partner, examine yourself, maybe you deserve a stone or two too. Forgiveness has its deepest application in a marriage setting, nowhere is the seventy times seven times rule in forgiveness so relevant than in marriage. Showing mercy to your partner in his or her errors and faults is probably the best way to keep a stable and happy home.

Money/Greed

Managing finance in relationships can be thorny. It takes a couple who are dedicated to each other and committed to a joint vision to have a stress free marriage with money issues. Any attempt for any of the partner in the relationship to deploy finances for purposes other than the cause of the union without mutual consent can breed crisis.

Money is so important in marriage that both the absence of it and the abundance thereof can cause problems. Poor couples and rich ones alike have money issues.  No matter how rich a man is, he will react if he finds himself with a woman who is bent on reducing his net worth or erode his capacity to save with frivolous expenditure; many marriages have been wrecked by women who believe that money is meant to be spent. Many men have also driven their wives crazy by insisting on being the one to administer the wife’s income.

Check if money has become the master in your marriage.

Pride/Lack of Submission & Accountability

Sometimes, people just become uncontrollable as the day goes by in relationships. Pride breeds contempt, naughtiness, eliminates accountability, and this happens when people have lost respect for each other. This is usually the beginning of the end for such relationships.

 A good marriage thrives on a good balance of love, respect and submission. Men who have poor understanding of submission easily want to make submission appear like slavery and end up creating rebellious wives. It is important that men love and cherish their wives and women should not take a loving man for granted.

External Pressure: Family and friends

It is common for family members to seek to continue to dominate and control the life of someone by trying to “plant” a spouse in the person’s life. Such family members can become desperate when their aim was not achieved and will continue to look for opportunities to prove their point.

Friends and family who initially harboured some reservations about the union have a way of coming back to remind you that, “you see, we told you”. Let truth be told, if you had married the other guy or Lady they wanted for you, you may still have one issue or the other. There is nothing happening in your marriage that is strange, so yield not to these pressures to condemn your union.

Hope for All

Examine your relationship in the light of the above and take drastic actions to prevent the situation from degenerating further. The truth is that every marriage can be redeemed, it does not matter what stage of decay it is right now, begin to retrace your steps and commit to positive habits and actions, and you will see the dead rise, even in marriage.