Once upon a time, the sight of a man “disciplining” a woman was a familiar one. We can all think back to the couple next door who will engage in some fight once in awhile. I have heard Ladies saying that they expect a man who loves them to handle them “strongly”. There are also instances of men who have lived under the same roof with very physically aggressive women; these sorts of men are usually mockingly referred to as “woman wrapper” in the neighbourhood.
Whichever way you want to look at it, violence is part of
the sinful human nature which is nurtured by anger and lack of self control.
Domestic violence itself is nothing new, even though it is receiving greater
focus these days than ever before. The bottom line is this, violence of any
sort, whether at home, on the road, in the offices, in places of worship, be it
emotionally inflicted, financially imposed or physical administered has always
been wrong.
I became worried when I noticed that majority of the
advocates against domestic violence have positioned their cause to imply that
the victim is always the woman. The woman as a victim of domestic violence is
understating the problem, and if we do not adjust the focus of the struggle, we
may never win the war; we may win the battle by getting women to leave the so
called “abusive relationships”, but do nothing to prevent the victim from being
abused again in subsequent relationships. Domestic violence is larger than wife
beating, it includes verbal attacks, emotional blackmail and torment, and even
handling the kids with so much “iron hand” and excessive outbursts and
screaming. It is true that a child
brought up by angry bitter parents will most likely have intolerant temper and
end up in a violent relationship.
We have so changed; civilization has made things that were
possible years ago to become unthinkable. Things that were tolerated years ago
are no longer acceptable. Women have become more economically empowered, less
dependent on men, more vocal and obviously more demanding of positive behaviours
from their men. In this new world, how a woman balances the power she now has
with relating with her man can make or mar a relationship. A lot of marriages are either silently
crumbling or physically exploding all because of the power tussle, contest of
superiority and battle for relevance between the man and his woman. Money, sex, kids, mode or place of worship,
extended family issues, relationship with opposite sex, even job among other
routine issues presents potential for violent conflicts in relationships. Most
of the conflicts is solely due to lack of an acceptable decision making model.
Is it the man that calls all the shots, is it the Wife or is it joint, and if
it is a tie, how is a truce brokered?
In every case of domestic violence, I believe there are
always at least two victims. A man who has physically abused his wife will most
likely have been verbally and emotionally abused and demeaned. I have never
seen a man beat up a “sweet and lovely” woman who has mastered the art of
positive communication. Violence is a
natural response to violence of some sorts; remember the law of seed time and
harvest. Likewise, a woman who has decided to either physically harass the
husband or pour vitriolic verbal vituperations on him leaving his ego mutilated
and his manly confidence annihilated must have been exposed to some level of
frustrations and disappointments in the relationship. A mother who inflicts so
much pain on the kids must have either been tormented as a kid or reacting to
the turbulence in her marital relationship.
Therefore, while some people will like to build NGOs around
rescuing women from violent men, I will like to advise for the sake of maintaining
a sane society with strong family values, we should not just pull the woman out
of the “hole” of domestic violence, we should try to help all the other victims
involved, the husband and the kids, if any....they are all victims.
I conclude therefore that since it is no longer acceptable
for anybody to be beaten up, the man or the woman, and it is obviously not
acceptable to verbally abuse or emotionally torment another, then it becomes
imperative for couples and even singles planning on getting married to
understand the power of positive communication, master their temperaments,
manage their anger, understand how to agree and disagree without creating
storms, fight fairly – no hitting below the belt, and learn the rudiments of mutual
respect. If we must be different from
our ancestors who were comfortable with battering and abuse, we must know what
they did not know and act differently.
