Overcoming Discouragement in Marital Relationships

As we look forward to the New Year with hopes of getting better bargains in different areas of life, one aspect of life that has to be taken into consideration is our love and marital relationships.  It is important we prosper in this area of life just the way we expect to flourish in finance, health, and even spirituality.

It is quite clear that marital stability, peace and harmony has a great potential to free you to pursue your other life aspirations without any encumbrances.  It is also becoming very clear that relationship challenges represent the biggest nightmare of the modern day Christian, single and married alike.

The online media is presently awashed with reports of a wife who physically assaulted and brutally injured the husband over his inability to take care of the home. At the same time, there is another case of a celebrity who just announced her divorce from her 7 months old marriage over irreconcilable differences.  You will see different comments on these issues and you may want to get confused over what should be or what should not. Truth is, this could have happened to anybody, we don’t have to be judgemental over these issues, but we can learn from these experiences.

The greatest nail that will hit a marriage is discouragement – that is when you give up! At this stage, you do not think there will be any change, you have exhausted your patience, or your disappointment over what has become of your once darling spouse has gotten to your nerves. Ladies and Gentlemen, experience as a single and married person has taught me that all relationships will have issues somewhere down the road, and all our lovely partners will manifest shortcomings sooner or later. Were you thinking of walking out on your man or women in 2014? Please think twice, the next man or woman you will meet  is also a baggage of issues you are yet to see. Scary isn’t it? You equally have a ton or even lorry load of issues which will take another pair of eyes to uncover, which is why marriage cannot survive if we don’t learn how to show mercy.

I will caution therefore, that no matter how short-changed we feel about our mates, please temper justice with mercy, knowing full well that you are not perfect too.  Always remember that you were once attracted to this fellow, where did all the passion go, at what point did you allow faults to overcome the strength of your partner, I beg of you, look for those strong points in him or her again, every human being blossoms in adoration, if you keep tapping into his or her strong points, with time, you will see nothing of the weaknesses. It is because we want to force them to correct all the weaknesses in the first few weeks or months of marriage, that we have irreconcilable differences and the marriage is thrown into the trash can of a painful history.

If you find yourself as the sole bread winner of the home, take it as an assignment from God. I don’t think you intentionally went out to marry a jobless man or women, this is life, things happen and things change, it could have been you that is jobless. I have seen sacrilegious cases of women hooking up with their ex-boyfriends (single and married alike) just because their husbands were out of job, in the name of survival, what happens to dignity and sanctity of marriage?

I heard a testimony of a Sister recently, she was a high flying banker when her husband was earning N40,000 per month. She reduced the man to houseboy and cook since she was the one paying the rents. Few years down the line, she is out of job, and the husband is a General Manager earning over N600,000 per month. She is now so humbled by her wicked acts and the relentless love the husband has showed her that she has decided to tell her story.

Ladies and Gentlemen, as we enter the new year, let us have hope, most people get married in good times, but let us be steadfast and trust God when the storms come or even when expectations are not met, don’t jump ship because there is storm,  remember, no condition is permanent. 

Remember the story of Michelle and Barack Obama, Barrack was an ordinary community worker who was still struggling to pay tuition debts years after getting married and Michelle was there through the painful years, but now, their address is the White House.

Stand firm by him or her, your own White House experience is on the way!

This Golden Eaglets, Age and the future of Nigerian Sports

It has become a routine for self-styled age analysts to begin to raise issues any time Nigerian age grade Teams are making impact at the world stage. It is only when our Youth Teams are better prepared and more talented than their counterparts from other parts of the world that Nigerians who seemingly don’t like good things will begin to ask questions on the integrity of the ages and durability of the players. Usually, when we participate in such tournaments and fail, what usually follows is huge wave of criticisms on the players and coaching crew, and such critics will not usually remember to suggest how such players who could not deliver could be improved to deliver at other levels in future.

 It is a shame that even professional sports analysts and media personalities still could not resist the temptation to disparage Nigerian Youth Teams over age issues even after FIFA, the world football governing body has introduced the MRI testing process to detect over-aged players.  In 2009, our Team was beaten by the visibly bigger Swiss U - 17 Team to lift the Trophy right at our backyard here in Lagos, and nobody cried foul, even the Swede Team at the 2013 UAE U - 17 Tourney are imposing in stature compared to the very youthful and boyish looking Nigerian lads. I just wonder why we have to be so unnecessarily self-righteous and hypocritical. If you don’t have proof that someone was born in a particular year, and the process established to confirm the passport age did not throw up any issue, please why not appreciate the fact that someone has done a good job in assembling a Team of young lads from Nigeria who are taking the world by storm.

The next concern of most critics has to do with  if these great players of this stage will become truly great in future, if they will ever match Ronaldo or Messi. Some has gone ahead to ask for the whereabouts of players like  Macaulay Chrisanthus of the Korea 2007 fame and Sani Emmanuel of the Nigeria 2009, as if it is so hard to run a simple internet query to find out where these players are. Some even will go to the extent of comparing John Mikel Obi’s progress with Lionel Messi who were silver and golden ball winners respectively at the 2005 U - 21 World Cup. Frankly, these are all lame and ignorant and baseless queries. Why compare Macaulay with Toni Kroos, what about his own Team mates like the bulky Richard Sukuta-Pasu who tormented the other U-17s as a striker but is nowhere near the German national Team at the moment?

 First of all, in life, it is not every member of a particular class that will go on to become Doctors, Lawyers, Civil Servants and the rest at the same time. People will always take different paths with diverse outcomes and implications for their future. It is not only in Nigeria that you find players from a particular Team fizzling out after the tournament. People are always quick to mention Luis Figo of Scotland ’89 U – 17 World Cup, it is true he played for long, but it is also true that some members of the Nigerian Team at the same tournament like Victor Ikpeba, Godwin Okpara and Benedict Akwuegbu also went far in their careers while most of Figo’s  Portuguese ’89 Team mates also fizzled out.

I can’t remember how many Brazilian players of the Nigeria ’99 fame made as much impact as Ronaldinho and probably Julio Cesar. The Argentine Team at Holland 2005 gave the world Lionel Messi,  but which of his other team mates have achieved Messi’s type of career feats? In every case, you have players who will stand out internationally, and some who will retire to local reckoning and some who will remain average achievers, this is true for both Nigeria and every other country, that is why the likes of Joseph Yobo and Rabiu Afolabi of Nigeria ‘99 are still active and John Obi Mikel, Onyekachi Apam, Chinedu Ogbuke and the rest of the 2005 Flying Eagles Squad are still doing their bit all over the world.

 The point here is that, age grade competition is more of a platform for budding talents but not every single member of a Team will become superstars in every sense of the word, it is just not possible.

It is even unfair to compare the progress of an African player struggling to make it in Europe with an indigenous European born or bred kid without considering the constraints and challenges. Toni Kroos will always do better than Chrisanthus because he is German and playing in the German League.  Don’t forget the rules on the number of non-EU players that can feature for a European side. Do you think this is not a limiting factor on the careers of most African players? Chrisanthus was in Germany for awhile and has moved to the Spanish lower rung league. Sani Emmanuel struggled to find a place at Lazio, where his Team Mate, Onazi Ogenyi  has established himself, and he has consequently moved to the Swiss League to explore his opportunities further.  Even European players as well as their South American counter-parts go through spells at the lower rungs or less fancied Teams. I remember Ronaldo made his European debut through the Dutch side PSV Eindhoven even after lifting the 1994 World Cup with Brazil, the very lethal Carlos Tevez played for West Ham United, so please, our former youth players are not lost, you can find them if you want and they still have a chance to make it big. If you check well on the internet, you will see the history of every player, and you will know that some of our former youth team players have indeed been active in different parts of the world. If you are concerned that they are not in the big Teams, ask yourself, are all ex-youth internationals from Spain playing for FC Barcelona or Real Madrid, were they all called up to the Senior Team?

The Senior National Team cannot contain everybody at the same time, even Bojan of the 2007 Spanish U - 17 Team is yet to make it in the national team, but our own Lukman Haruna from the same tournament has one World Cup appearance under his belt while Ogenyi Onazi and Kenneth Omeruo of the 2009 edition have won the African Nations Cup already and heading to Brazil 2014. Kanu Nwankwo, Wilson Oruma, Celestine Babayaro and Mobi Oparaku were instant hits with the senior Teams after Japan ’93 U – 17 World Cup and Kanu has gone on to become a legend that represents football globally.  Meanwhile, no one from the Argentine Team at the 1993 fiesta got any form of international fame, but the Italians who finished bottom of their group managed to give us Gianluigi Buffon and Francesco Totti. Nduka Ugbade, first black man to lift a FIFA World Cup at the China ’85 U - 17 Tournament represented Nigeria into the ‘90s and he alongside Manu Garba and another ex - Youth International Emmanuel Amuneke are tutoring this current world beating Golden Eaglets side.

So how can you prove that Nigeria players do not progress after age grade tournaments or how can you validly assert that it is only Nigerian players that fail to advance after the age grade tourneys?

I wonder why nobody ever asked about the Egyptians, Tunisians and Algerian players who also attend these tournaments - they all become stars in their local leagues.  This is now the heart of the issue. The major reason why pundits will believe our players don’t make impact after these youth tournaments is that the bulk of them will not make it to Europe after the tournaments, and we rate success only by what a player achieves in Europe, sadly though. It is unfortunate that we do not watch the local league, otherwise, you will notice that we have so many ex - youth internationals providing quality services in the local league. But unfortunately, since the local league is unappreciated, poorly covered and draws no special attention, these players too struggle through their careers in oblivion, and therefore easily get maligned by pundits as age cheats who failed to achieve their potentials. This is very unfair.

I would have loved to say that we should create a platform to transition our youth players to European Leagues to ensure they remain visible and relevant, but apart from the fact that this is not  a very patriotic recommendation, the restrictions and the market driven nature of the Leagues abroad will not allow such wholesale trafficking of young players.

So the only option left is for us as a nation is to invest seriously in sport academies, improve the quality and coverage as well as followership of the local leagues and ensure all first tier League Teams have Youth/Feeders Team structure for continuous transition. We should also find means to create more sport facilities at Local Government levels to ensure kids at the grassroots level develop their sports instincts earlier on in their lives. By doing all these, we will be able to develop and groom young talents on an ongoing basis and Nigeria will be able to impress the world every time.

As we celebrate the achievements of the UAE 2013 Golden Eaglets, we should be hopeful that with little efforts from all stakeholders, Kelechi Iheanacho, who has been rated by fifa.com as one of the best player of all times at the U - 17 level and his other extremely talented colleagues like Musa Yahaya, Abdullahi  Alfa, Isaac Success, Taiwo Awoniyi and others will be around for a long time to come and Nigeria football will be better for it.

Common Mis-conceptions on Marriage and Relationships

Some commonly used marriage related phrases are not completely true and prone to leading people in wrong directions. Well, they may sound true to you depending on your background, but maybe going through them again may give you a different perspective.

You can make mistakes in other areas of life and recover, but not in marriage

Nothing can be more false than this. For fear of making mistakes, many are crippled and condemned to singlehood. There is no mistake, including marital mistakes that you cannot recover from. Sometimes, recovering from marital mistakes can be the easiest, all it requires at times is for you to change your perspectives and expectations, or maybe seeing the glass as half full instead of as half empty. Even the best choices soon appear like mistakes, while some potentially poor match ups end up well, it is all in the mind.

Marriage is not meant to be endured but enjoyed

I am a fan of marriage being fun and enjoyment. But what is it in life that is all fun and no stress? My friend, we will need to endure to have a lasting marriage.  Changes will occur at different stages of the marriage in different areas, and it is the ability to patiently navigate the issues that will determine how far the marriage will go. The enjoyment at all cost mentality could be the reason many cannot survive the first storm that visit their union. Life will give you stuffs, sweet and bitter, you must learn to enjoy the fun and manage the pains.

Love will see you through

Love is indeed powerful, but marriage requires more than love. People who were passionately in love few months back are getting divorced. You need knowledge and wisdom to deal with the issues of life that all marriages are exposed to. If you have the right tools in addition to love, you will virtually have a blissful marriage.

You must marry your best friend

It is very important you marry someone you know well, someone who understands you.  However, even if you are the lucky type that grew friendship from primary school level and ended in marriage, even friendships do have downtimes. Have you not had different best friends throughout different seasons of life? Even best friends have issues at times, and sometimes end up going their separate ways. What I think is most important is to marry someone who understands that marriage is a long term commitment, your best friend may not always have that understanding, if he or she does, lucky you.

Your mate must be compatible with you

This is the greatest lie of all time, quote me anywhere. Do you really think you will like to spend the rest of your life with your own “photocopy”?  It is good to be with someone of like mind, but truth is, with time, you will realize you still have areas of differences. I am sorry to disappoint you, we are all unique and different, no one is compatible with anyone. If you want to succeed in relationship, embrace diversity and learn to explore the differences in your spouse to the advantage of the union.

.......Types of people you must not marry

This is the title of so many books on relationship.  I went through one of such books and I concluded that the title of the book should be changed to “There is nobody to marry”. Humanity is short in glory, and you will never find that person whose flaws are not in the list of people you must avoid. It is either you marry and accept the flaws, or you allow someone deceive you into believing that he or she has no flaws, your shock at the end may send waves that will sink the marriage.

Your husband or wife must remain your boyfriend or girlfriend

This is assuming everybody had boyfriend or girlfriend. For you to appreciate how mis-leading this is, can you tell what the life of boyfriend/girlfriend is like? You probably had excess cash, your babe comes over, no kids, no bills and nothing to worry about, so you spend your time without distraction and maybe visit the best fun spots in town. Marriage comes with kids, baby food, school fees, expensive house rent, and some career choices that can keep the couple busy all year round. There is a place for balance, but you can never have that kind of free time and free money anymore (except you are from the Omo Baba Olowo clan of course). Maturity to accept what has changed and make the best out of it is key to sustaining a long term relationship.

The man’s job is to provide for the family

This statement negates God’s purpose for marriage. If all a woman will do is to sit back and “chop”, then God did not have to create Eve for Adam. God’s idea of help mate is not fulfilled with a woman who only collects cash and spends, I can’t see any help in spending money, I can spend my money myself. A woman should come into marriage with some value she can add to the family. The man is called to be the head of the home, but he will achieve more if the woman in his life is carrying out her assignment of being a help mate.

My thoughts actually, you can disagree.

I will marry you, if you don’t have a Mother!

It may seem inappropriate to say, that it has become quite common to find young women praying to meet a suitor whose mother is already dead. In other words, a guy’s prospects out of the many suitors on ground can be improved if his mother is no longer alive. This sounds very morbid, isn’t it?

Marriage, which is every mothers’ dream for their sons usually begin to turn to nightmares as the battle for control of the guy’s heart between the wife and the mother often squeezes energy and life itself out of the relationship. The mothers usually find it difficult to believe that another woman, who just emerged from nowhere, has the capability to make her son comfortable, and the wives will wonder why Mama cannot focus on her own husband and let her enjoy her own marriage.

This scenario is not limited to mother in-laws. You can also have meddlesome and never-let go father in-laws who are so obsessed with their daughters that they will like the daughters’ husbands to take instructions from them on how to run their homes.

There are instances where the mother in-law may not even want to interfere, but a young wife will initiate a war to ensure the remnants of family relationships of her husband is destroyed and the husband is completely detached from the rest of his family. Nothing wrong in having your hubby to yourself actually, but the problem is always that she will keep her own family associations intact, while making the guy a stranger in his own family.

It is well known that in this part of the world, we traditionally abuse family relationships, otherwise, why should you want to move into your son’s house after he has gotten married? Why is it after a lady gets married that all the siblings that her parents could not train will like to gain admission?  I bet you, most of the marital crisis associated with family issues is caused by things that are not directly beneficial to the couple and their own future – it is often the interest of elements in either or both families who probably want the marriage to fulfil their own expectations.

It is important we begin to sound it clearly to parents, marriage of your kids is not meant to fulfil your own expectations, design and agenda, and it is not meant to complete what you started in your own life. A young man and woman getting married is like a fresh seed with its own distinct purpose.

I think the golden rule is for parents to give out their children in marriage with the understanding that they are now independent. That also presupposes that you have trained your sons and daughters on what it means to be independent in a new family unit.  I think some parents will want to hover around their kid’s homes because they are not sure where and when things will go wrong. Crisis becomes escalated when parents from both sides are hovering in nature; this is a recipe for marital crisis.

Dear Friends, you don’t need a dead mother in-law. All you need are in-laws who understand their exact roles in the marriage. Don’t forget that every daughter in-law will one day become a mother in-law.

Moving on from an Expired Relationship

Do you think it may be a bit sacrilegious to classify “letting go” as an art? Art is basically an expression of human creative skill and imagination. Letting go of past events, past huts, past lovers and relationships has been so challenging to many people, that I personally feel there is need to apply some level of skills and superior thought processes to be able to make progress.

People easily blame their present predicaments on some certain past events. If I had passed that exam, I would have been rich today, If that guy did not dump me, I would have been happier today, if my parents were not poor, I would have made it, these are all good excuses for failure and unhappiness, but the issue is, would you rather not move away from your point of failure and find a way to make life a bit more meaningful?

There are people who are married but cannot find peace and satisfaction in their spouses because they are still living in their past. There are people whose greatest fan and confidants are their former lovers. There are people who are not married because they are stuck with the image of what they lost, they keep comparing every potential spouse with the one that left them to marry someone else. It is gone, please wake up and smell the coffee.

There are ladies and guys out there who prefer to seduce their married ex-lovers just to prove that “the love is still there, we are meant for each other”, there are also single men and women who exploit the past and the vulnerabilities of their ex-lovers to prove that marriage is a fluke after all. These categories of people are not only doing damage to their married friends but also stagnating themselves.
How do you know that you are still hooked on someone? You are probably sniffing around his or her social media profiles to see what is new in his or her life. You maintain constant communication secretly and unknown to your current partner.  You were not invited to the wedding, but you found your way there. You are at the point of getting married, and you are bent on having your ex present at the wedding without your spouse knowing.  You take time to find out who he or she eventually got married to, and sometimes you may still be in touch with some members of his or her family. Perhaps you keep comparing your current spouse with the former one, and in some cases, people actually retain the old relationship in its entirety.....ouch.

So how do you really prevent the past from messing up with your future?  I tell you the truth, deleting the number, burning photographs, or deleting social media profiles will not work. I am sorry. So what works?

 It is the battle of the mind; it is in your thoughts and the very depths of your soul. If you want to burn bridges, burn it from your very soul, and the best way to it is to tell yourself the truth – it did not work out for a reason, for a purpose, it is over, just move on. If you allow that message to sink into your soul, it is more likely you will heal faster and move on very well to even better things.

Another way to deal with the past is to know that your very best is always ahead of you. You may think what you had was the best that can ever be, if you can open up your mind again, you will realise that it can always be better.

You need to also know that no two individuals or situations are the same, develop contentment and maximise your life at the very place you have found yourself.

There are times when an ex partner becomes randy and begin to seduce you to probably use you to make up for his or her present emptiness and frustrations, at this point, remain focused and do not be tempted to either use the situation as a revenge mission or try to prove that you are still the best for him or her. If of you are single, re-union may be a rewarding possibility, but when one of the party is married, such re-union can only spell doom.

Where the relationship was within a close distance, you may think of relocating, changing job, or getting a transfer. Moving away from your point of pain does not mean you have not dealt with the issue, it simply means you are taking wise steps to protect your future peace and happiness. People who chose to stay may find themselves going in and coming out of the same relationship a couple of times without making any progress.

It is possible you may argue that you have related with your ex lover for years now even as a married person without doing anything wrong, the question you ask yourself are these, is your spouse aware of this your friendship, does this friendship honour your current relationship, would you be happy if your spouse has a similar relationship outside your knowledge? If you can sincerely answer all the above questions in the affirmative, then I will say, go on living in your two worlds, past and present, but be wary of the future.

 I wish to remind you that, in the land of temptation, cowardice is a huge virtue, as a matter of fact, it is only cowards that overcome temptations – they simply take to their heels.  Some love to play the hero for their exs, What about your spouse, the very person who saw the hero in you even when it was not so obvious and got married to you? Respect your current relationship, stay within your bounds!!

3 Ds of Infidelity in Marriage

Dear Readers,

Today is not a day for long story. I just want to inspire you or de-motivate you (depending on which side of the divide you are) with what I feel are the three top dangers of infidelity.

I have come to discover that people will always do whatever they have to do at a particular point in their life, but we find encouragement in pushing out the message hoping that, just one person will re-consider and think again.

Back to the issue, what are the three top consequences of infidelity, at least while we are still on planet earth?

Disease/Death - STDs, some very incurable and highly transferable. Straying from your matrimonial bed is a very high risk venture. Well, some believe that man must die somehow, someday. But why do you want to die before your time?

Disgrace - Wao, many mighty men and women have fallen and great plans aborted due to the shame and scandal of an infidelity blown open. Hey, it is not only religious people that get disgraced, ask Bill Clinton, Tiger Woods or DSK.

Destabilisation - Everyone desires a stable family. Infidelity accounts for half of divorce cases. Half of us may not forgive a cheating spouse caught red handed. What does that do? Another lost dream to build a suitable nest to raise a family gone down the drain.

It can be more, please feel free to bring them on.

Practical ways to overcome Previously Un-identified Marital Errors (PUME)

There is this popular work place joke usually directed at employees who are not living up to expectations. As unprofessional as this may be, such employees are usually referred to as “Previously Un-identified Recruitment Errors”.  Being found wanting after engagement is not peculiar to employment situations, it also happens in relationships.

In marriage, previously un-identified errors simply means walking down the aisle without taking stock of the total package as well as the pros and cons about the other individual.  Sometimes, it means not making provisions for surprises which are mostly inevitable. Jacob worked for Laban seven years in exchange for his beloved Rachael, on the wedding day, he was convinced he had gotten his prize, it took the brightness of the morning sun of the day after the wedding for him to realize that he did not get what he bargained for.  Everybody may not be deceived as Jacob was, but what happened to Jacob was not a one off historical event.

With the rise of failed marriages attributed to “irreconcilable differences” today, is it not impossible that many marriages were consummated in the darkness of emotions, greed and impatience and just cannot withstand the shinning reality that follows the days after the wedding?

We have previously established that humanity is basically flawed and hyped expectations heighten the level of disappointment when faults and errors begin to manifest. Just as it is expected that employers, at the minimum, develop programs aimed at reducing the impact of previously un-identified recruitment errors, it will not be wise for anyone to get married, and does not think of how to cope with unexpected and previously un-identified personal differences, weaknesses and faults.

So many people will take the easy way out, by exiting the relationship. Jacob decided to work additional seven years to get what he wanted, same way, some people will want to exit the union and start the search all over. The truth is that you don’t need to start all over; you can still have a great marriage despite any personal and character flaws discovered post-wedding.

Love is a choice, so is happiness

Love is strongest when it has foundations stronger than feelings. Love will stand the test of time if it is an unconditional choice. Most times, people will give love unconditionally prior to marriage, and that accounts for why most of the faults go undetected. However, the faults will begin to manifest when they switch on the “detective” and “performance evaluation” mode after the wedding.  

Despite what you have come to discover as errors in your spouse, your love can go the distance if you chose to love unconditionally. That is God’s model for love, and we will be much happier if we chose to use same model like our maker.

If you cannot change your spouse, you can change yourself
Men and women can easily nag joy out of their union merely by trying to “panel beat” their mates to fit their expected design. Most of the most bitter struggles in marriages are as a result of people trying too hard to force changes in their spouses.

It is proven that learning to accept the other fellow the way he or she is, combined with adjustments to accommodate any differences will guarantee not just immediate happiness but longevity of the union. Tolerance is the sole most potent antidote in managing conflicts.  The only snag to it is that, to develop tolerance means changing YOU first, it is more like ensuring the log in your own eyes is removed before trying to finger your partner’s eyes.

Communication

Open communication is vital to healthy relationships. The unfortunate thing is that people try to play hide and seek all the way into marriage, trying to be what they are not. Your spouse may be more sympathetic and understanding if you put your weaknesses on the table upfront. If you come clean, chances are that both parties will become committed to growing together in every way.

Post Marital Education

Every couple who is interested in growing in character must invest in acquiring information on relationships and self improvement.  Knowledge has a way of empowering people, if you want to grow stronger in any area of life; the logical thing to do is to seek information and knowledge in that area. There are books, tapes, seminars all over the place that can help couples streamline their thought patterns to achieve a more enjoyable relationship. You must find a medium suitable for both of you, some people have problems with reading books; such people can try playing tapes while driving together or send links to important messages via mobile devices to their partners and discuss the learning points later.

Counselling

There are times when you need to talk to someone else. But be mindful of who you are talking to. Some Counsellors are very quick to tell you about demons and witchcraft troubling your marriage. The problem with this is that they easily give people scapegoats and consequently do not allow them to look inward and make necessary personal sacrifices and adjustments.

Counselling is meant to help you identify the root cause of the issues and provide road map for resolving the issues identified.

Whatever the issue is that you encounter in your marital journey, there is always hope if you have the right attitude. Just as employers do not fire all new employees just because they make some mistakes, no one should be in a hurry to condemn a relationship just because the other party is not living up to expectations.  I know many “goofing new employees” who were able to overcome their initial weaknesses and rose to become very reliable and dependable employees, same is applicable in marriages.  

Managing personal weaknesses in relationships

It is quite true that most people will put their best foot forward when they meet a potential spouse. They begin to customize their lifestyle, attitudes and behaviour to suit the preferences of the other party. Eventually, people get married in a “cultured set up” where both couples actually believe that they have found their perfect fit. I will not in any way insinuate that there are no people who are actually perfect fit and are having a hitch-free relationship, but perhaps, there are some who have come to discover that what looked so perfectly fitted still need some adjustments, this message will go a long way in keeping their relationships together.

It is natural for two people from different backgrounds coming together to have some rough edges. It is also true that humanity is flawed in its very core, it may be practically impossible to find a wife or husband who has no offence in him, no personal weakness and no area of improvements.  The irony of marriage is that we are often attracted to people’s strengths, so we naturally get married to people who have exhibited strength in the areas we find most appealing, however, the problem is that each human being is a composite of both strengths and weaknesses. As we are pulled towards the strengths, do we actually analyse how we will cope with the weaknesses, or we assume there are no weaknesses to deal with?

Many marriages will be saved if couples never thought they were getting married to Angels. My friend, if you know you are getting married to a basically flawed human, you expectations and reactions to issues will be totally different. Many marriages crumble today as a result of expectations not met.

I truly believe that if we have an understanding that our spouses are but mere humans, we will all be more tolerant, less critical, more understanding, tender, merciful and most importantly more forgiving, and eventually there will be fewer conflicts and less separations and divorces.
No matter how flawed your spouse is, he or she may not be able to withstand the power of mercy over time. As you show the fellow mercy, over time, he or she will cave in and fall in line. Showing mercy to your spouses’ errors may require more work from you. Problem is, nobody wants any work, we  all want spouses made in heaven, ready made with everything that will make us happy.  Bearing one another’s burden is about doing what you will not do ordinarily, it is about being happy to support your partner in his or her areas of weakness.

Have you ever seen the American or Jamaicans do their 4 by 100 relays or any of those relay races? They let the fastest men take the first and the last legs, and thus cover the weaknesses of the other two runners. The exchange of baton is swiftly done just before each man gets tired, enabling the next man power on in the race with fresh vigour.  

No relationship is totally bad, people will be more fulfilled if only they can learn to show mercy to flawed humanity, if not for anything, you are flawed yourself. Marriage will never cease to be a shocking eye opener for people who only look for strengths without having any idea on what to do about the weaknesses.

We are not advocating you condone wayward and irresponsible behaviour, but to understand that the best of any individual is limited by human nature. We are all work-in-progress.  The grass may seem greener on the other side, remember, they are all grass and every grass needs  gardeners and plenty of water  to remain green and lush enough for the eyes.

Wine and Marriage: The Mysterious Relationship

How instructive is it that the very first miracle performed by Jesus was during a wedding.  And what a miracle it was. The wine could not serve the audience, the couple could have been embarrassed and frustrated and the feast brought to premature end, but here comes Jesus, he turned water into a better quality wine and the party went on with greater joy.

Wine symbolizes joy, excitement, good and positive feelings, and this is what easily runs out in marriages as familiarity, personal conflicts and the rigours of daily living begin to drain the relationship. We spend so much time preparing for the wedding, without actually considering that after the ceremony is the lifetime commitment of being man and wife. Jesus demonstrated clearly that even if the wine should run out, that should not be the end of the show.

At the wedding, it is easy to know the wine is running short, but how will you know that wine is running short in a marriage situation;

1.  Lost Passion: All the butterflies in your stomach are now lifeless, you are no longer having sweaty palms and the adrenaline have since dried up. In summary, there is nothing exciting about the relationship anymore and your partner has become “business as usual”. It is not that the butterflies should always be there, neither should they die off completely either.

2. Intimacy gone over the roof: You know that the wine is fast running out when you no longer feel the need to have those deeply intimate moments with your spouse anymore. You have come to replace intimacy with things like work, kids, church activities, tending aged parents and even talk, yes, talking about your problems and challenges without considering that your partner too need some physical bonding. The wine is exhausted when couples are living more like “room mates”. If you have problems creating room for se, you are obviously out of wine.

3. Respect thrown into the trash: When the wine is finished, “Honey” will become “monkey”. When respect is lost, every discussion will end in argument, and every argument will be full of bitter words. Rewind to when the wine was flowing, no one dare say any hurtful words or aim to inflict any emotional pain.

4. Tender becomes Steel: When people are merry with wine, they tend to be relaxed, tender and manageable. They will be friendly and easy to carry along. But when the wine is finished, they come to a certain level of “self consciousness” and assertiveness. Couples arrive at joint decisions easily and peacefully when the wine is flowing, but will likely need a third party to mediate over even little things when the wine is gone.

5. Divesting from patience and tolerance: People seems to be “fault-less” when we first meet them because we want to invest patience and tolerance at that time. At the beginning, there is a huge appetite to bear with weaknesses and inadequacies, but this appetite diminishes at the same rate with the jar of wine in the marriage. Anger and criticism reigns in a home where the wine is exhausted, couples in this kind of home find themselves always at loggerheads – more like being each other’s opposition party.

6. Humility is written off: Humility does not have gender application when a marriage is still enjoying fresh wine. Both couple will be mutually submitted to each and fully committed to serving and making each other happy. People begin to rationalize their contribution and question the authority of their spouse when the wine is finished. Whenever you see a woman talking down her husband, know that the wine is now dried up; all they have left is empty vessels.

7. Gratitude is replaced by entitlement: A spouse will be made to feel like a super hero when he or she does something great at the beginning, but as soon as the wine runs out; even the most heroic act will look so ordinary and expected.  A young girl will be thrilled with taxi fair prior to marriage, but when the wine runs out; she may begin to demand for choice exotic cars. A sense of appreciation is lost when the wine runs dry.

No marriage can survive with empty vessels, some may but with pains, sadness and regrets. Jesus was at the wedding to show mankind that you can expect the wine to run out, but that should not be the end of the feast. Many couples have either terminated their marriages or venture into unfaithful acts  as soon as they ran out of wine, the Master has given us the template, simply bring out the empty jars and fill them with fresh water and continue with  the feast.

I usually say that dating is a deceptive way to determine how marriage will be like. Before marriage, you seem to have all the time, sometimes the right amount of cash, and the right level of motivation to move the relationship to the next level. If the conditions and factors that preceded the wedding fail to hold after marriage, the relationship will usually begin to experience hiccups. Unfortunately, many couples today do not prepare for change, and cannot maintain focus when the wine runs short.

Are you dismayed and disillusioned that marriage is not fulfilling your desires and fantasies? Are you considering seeking the wine somewhere else, do you think leaving your empty jars behind will help?  Many are going into their 3^rd and 4^th marriages because they don’t know how to refill the wine jars in their relationships.

You need to bring your empty jars and fill them with fresh water – fresh thoughts, positive thoughts, renewed mind, new ideas to bring sparks of hope and faith back in your marriage.

Top 7 Marriage Killers You Need To Know

Divorce is becoming very common, even in the church. The marriage institution is fast losing credibility to the extent that singles now dread entering marriage, but for the fact that society and family will not let them be.
It is quite fascinating to see so many relationships falling apart these days. I have never seen anybody who said, “I hate you, so let us get married”, it is always about love, affection, friendship, understanding, trust and all the good stuffs that happens before marriage. When you look at every wedding invite, everybody seems to be getting married to their best friend, Love of their lives, their Angels and so on, and I begin to wonder who then is getting divorced now and whatever happened to all those good and positive qualities that were printed on the wedding invitation cards.

For every divorce story, there is always a thread of issues that are almost common. The intention here is to expose these common causes of divorce and thereafter begin to take detailed look at each of them and more in subsequent articles.

The Deception of Compatibility

Compatibility is a myth that many will never understand, it is the greatest deception hindering marital fulfilment. The quest for compatibility has delayed so many from getting married and wrecked so many homes. The major reasons cited for divorce in recent times has been that “we are no longer compatible”. The question is, were you ever compatible?  Was the incompatibility imparted during the wedding ceremony? Because I am sure these people once felt they were very compatible.

What do people seek for in compatibility? Plain and simple, they need someone that is exactly like them in every way. Sometimes, people feel compatible when they meet someone who is able to absorb all their imperfections.  In each of these instances, calamity will strike. No one will be like you;  we are all unique and different in every way. On the other hand, no one will take in your imperfections forever without reacting to either correct or improve you.

A single guy meets a Lady at the club, and they feel compatible clubbing and night crawling together, and they get married,  not too long into the marriage, the Lady begin to show signs of weariness in clubbing, maybe she was just doing it out of peer pressure or the need to meet the opposite sex, what will happen to her compatible husband? On the hand, a very gentle introvert meets a very temperamental and outgoing Lady and he feels he needs someone with more sparks to bring excitement into his dull life. They get married only for him to start admonishing her on how to manage her temper and be more homely, what will happen?

From the foregoing, it is obvious compatibility does not exist, no one is compatible, and we are all unique creatures with different needs, temperament, attitude, beliefs, upbringing and lifestyles.  Amos 3:3 does not mean we must agree on everything before we walk together, the key thing is for us to “agree to walk together”, catch that?

What makes a happy union is for two different individuals to come together and commit to a life of continuous adjustments which will involve making changes where necessary to accommodate each other.

The Real Issues.............

We have established that incompatibility is a lame excuse for divorce; let us now examine the real issues.

Sex and Intimacy

It is either not enough or too much, too basic or too advanced.  Either way, someone is feeling short-changed, dissatisfied or abused. The deal breaker here is lack of result-oriented communication and failure to make necessary adjustments to accommodate competing needs of each of the parties involved.  I have seen people opening up about their sexual needs to their Ex-partners instead of approaching their spouse. It is important spouses are open to such discussions to avoid hidden fantasies from manifesting in wrong places. Sex like any other thing in life is subject to improvement and upgrades.  It is stupid to give up a good marriage because of something you can easily work on.

Infidelity

Most relationships will not survive an unfaithful act by any of the partners.  Cheating accounts for most relationship break up prior to marriage, and still contribute to a large percentage of divorce world-wide. When men give in to their primitive tag of being “hunters”, they are actually “unstoppable” as they will want to go from one conquest to the other. For both men and women, failure to tame the natural wandering and covetous mind will lead to an endless desire to give in to the curiosity of chasing varieties.  Variety they say is the spice of life, but in marriage, variety spells doom and death. Marriage is an exclusive union between a man and a woman, the edge and the  hedge is in the exclusivity.

Infidelity is not just limited to sexual acts, but can also included emotional relationships often characterized by secret phone pals, online friends, BB chat partners, special work place friendships, and other contemporary and subtle forms of infidelities.

Discontentment/Regrets
Because marriage is a marathon rather than sprint, people usually begin to wax cold and slow over time and what used to be special may just become ordinary.  Unrealistic expectations not met will lead to a state of disillusionment. This is the point people start comparing apples with oranges; even the abusive and cheating ex-lover may just look like a better option all over again. This is the stage where a man can consider his maid a better wife material than the Madam he worked so hard to marry.
Good news to all regretful souls, even your other pre and post marital options have flaws too, if you doubt, just try switching camp.  Have you seen any episode of “wife swap”? I know someone who while in his third marriage, decided that come what may, he will rather die in it than try another one, it took him three attempts to see the light. You know, the grass always appear greener on the other side, you will never know the true colour until you get there.

Negative Temperaments
In this category is a whole lot of very dangerous emotions and attitudes that spells doom for any relationship. Anger in the home can open doors to just anything. I personally suggest people deal with anger before getting married. Anger can single-handedly wreck a marriage, most of the things said and done in anger are not easily forgotten and this weakens the relationship over time.

Inability to offer and receive forgiveness is also a major factor. Couples sometimes expect too much from each other, and whenever reality differs from expected behaviours, resentment may follow.  It is easy to look down on someone when weaknesses begin to manifest. It is important that couples acknowledge that we are all humans and learn to show mercy to each other’s faults and weaknesses. Before you cast the stone on your partner, examine yourself, maybe you deserve a stone or two too. Forgiveness has its deepest application in a marriage setting, nowhere is the seventy times seven times rule in forgiveness so relevant than in marriage. Showing mercy to your partner in his or her errors and faults is probably the best way to keep a stable and happy home.

Money/Greed

Managing finance in relationships can be thorny. It takes a couple who are dedicated to each other and committed to a joint vision to have a stress free marriage with money issues. Any attempt for any of the partner in the relationship to deploy finances for purposes other than the cause of the union without mutual consent can breed crisis.

Money is so important in marriage that both the absence of it and the abundance thereof can cause problems. Poor couples and rich ones alike have money issues.  No matter how rich a man is, he will react if he finds himself with a woman who is bent on reducing his net worth or erode his capacity to save with frivolous expenditure; many marriages have been wrecked by women who believe that money is meant to be spent. Many men have also driven their wives crazy by insisting on being the one to administer the wife’s income.

Check if money has become the master in your marriage.

Pride/Lack of Submission & Accountability

Sometimes, people just become uncontrollable as the day goes by in relationships. Pride breeds contempt, naughtiness, eliminates accountability, and this happens when people have lost respect for each other. This is usually the beginning of the end for such relationships.

 A good marriage thrives on a good balance of love, respect and submission. Men who have poor understanding of submission easily want to make submission appear like slavery and end up creating rebellious wives. It is important that men love and cherish their wives and women should not take a loving man for granted.

External Pressure: Family and friends

It is common for family members to seek to continue to dominate and control the life of someone by trying to “plant” a spouse in the person’s life. Such family members can become desperate when their aim was not achieved and will continue to look for opportunities to prove their point.

Friends and family who initially harboured some reservations about the union have a way of coming back to remind you that, “you see, we told you”. Let truth be told, if you had married the other guy or Lady they wanted for you, you may still have one issue or the other. There is nothing happening in your marriage that is strange, so yield not to these pressures to condemn your union.

Hope for All

Examine your relationship in the light of the above and take drastic actions to prevent the situation from degenerating further. The truth is that every marriage can be redeemed, it does not matter what stage of decay it is right now, begin to retrace your steps and commit to positive habits and actions, and you will see the dead rise, even in marriage.

Co - Provider or Co - Controller: When Money becomes a game-changer in Marriage

This topic would have been totally out of place in the past when all it took to be a wife was to sit back at home and ensure the house is in order, kids are doing great and there is food on the table for the master of the house. But today, the dynamics have changed. No one is waiting at home for the master to come back, some still do though, either waiting for a job opening or a business plan to develop, and of course, there is still a remnant of those who believe the man must carry his burden full time.

We are talking about those who have moved on to the modern trend, where both the man and the woman are out there trying to earn a living and also fulfil some life aspirations. The modern life has become so expensive that it takes more than one “normal” income to keep the family going. It is possible the man do earn some “abnormal income” and can afford to pay his wife to sit at home, I am talking about the rest of us who are just regular guys. Even Obama in the book “The Audacity of Hope” did acknowledged that it truly takes two to tango in today’s dance floor of family life. The man Obama has a wife who understood this fact, and no wonder he is the No. 1 man today.

As a matter of fact, this concept of stay at home wife has no historical reputation.  Our grandmothers stayed at home, but to be fair to them, they were also very productive economically. Some of them were able to combine multiple economic activities with their home making roles. I can recall my grandmother was a farmer, trader as well as a wife. So it will be so absurd to see a 21^st century woman or even man saying that women should do nothing but stay at home. I am sorry to say, even if the assignment is to breed 6 kids, I tell you, that woman sure do have capacity for something else in addition, just try her!!

If we have agreed that life will be easier for the family and the man will achieve more if his wife has her hands on the plough also, then how has this affected the psyche of both men and women in marital relationships or even before marriage and how does this situation affect the dynamics of marriage?

Dr Peggy Drexler posted on her blog recently how men are hoping their wives are able to earn income and yet could not handle it when the woman actually does earn more than the men.  While I agree that money can be a divisive factor in any relationship, I certainly do not believe that men will have issues once their wives earn money or even earns more than them. I also do not agree with the believe that young men are scared or intimidated when they meet successful young ladies. It is like saying, I have malaria but I do not want to take drugs, I cannot imagine any right thinking man, who will walk away from a successful and humble woman.

I know someone will like to ask, why should the woman be humble when she is the one paying the bills? That is exactly where the problem is. It is expected that money connotes power, and once woman comes in contact with cash, she may begin to exude power that may conflict with the existing power structure in the relationship.

Gender Struggles, Money and Power
While men have accepted their fate as providers and see no big deal in emptying their bank accounts to keep the family going, the act of providing is still novel to women, yes, and most women struggle with the realization that the family is dependent on them even when they have the means. In the wake of the massive job losses following the recession, cases of wives with well paying jobs walking away from marriages abound, they just could not take up the responsibility, and they needed to move on with another man who still has the means to make them feel like women – “taken care of”. So many proposed marriages were cancelled by the mere fact that the man has been separated from his source of income, and the woman cannot afford to risk stepping into that life of uncertainty.
Again, women who chose to stay as co-provider or even sole provider suddenly feel a surge of power, and will like to dominate, more like reversing the genders since the balance of power has shifted.  Most women who now have financial advantage over their husbands will feel cheated if the man does not step up in his domestic responsibilities. It is more like, you are the one at home now, you should as well do the chores. Though it makes sense that he who stays home should do the chores, but the approach should not be the one that rubs salt on a man’s bruised ego already battered by unfulfilled dreams. If your husband has never been to the Meat market before when the going was good, why do you want to send him there all because you now contribute to the family welfare?  When he was the sole provider, he used to indulge in Premiership Football on TV every weekend, why should you harass him for being a couch potato just because you now earn more?  Think for a second, woman.

Even though I believe that a man should take up some domestic assignments irrespective of his financial status, it is killing for a man to be turned to a house maid, all because he is no longer financially buoyant. Such women without knowing have castrated their husbands, no matter how much you are spending to feed him and pay the kids’ school fees, and no matter how much you spend to look beautiful, he is no longer going to find you attractive, because you are now like his Master’s wife or Mother, and no sane man will be attracted to his mother. It is not uncommon for men in that situation to exit the relationship when they find a woman who understands their situations and respects them for who they are,  or wait until their estate improves before severing ties, at that stage, the erstwhile partner will be crying blue murder and calling the man ingrate.

Looking for Champions and nursing wounded Champions

There is a great contradiction in the way men and women are wired that requires some skills to harness. Men are wired to be champions and women are wired to be attracted to champions. You married a man because he was “your champion” back then, but now he seems to have lost his championship, most impatient and weak livered women will move on to find the next champ, but a woman who understands the power she has will put on her magic wand and begin to nurse the wounds of this ex-champ and nourish him back to reckoning. Delilah knew how to nurse a battered and battle weary warrior; women need to learn a thing or two from her skills. I have seen women trying to return to a man they dumped when he went down,  they now want him back because he is now back on his two feet as a man, how irresponsible can people be?

Eve was created to assist Adam,  and she was accountable to him as he was to God, disaster struck when she took laws into her hands. Most women easily feel invincible once they have source of income, and at that point, men become dispensable to them.  It becomes a case of “I can have another you in a minute”.  Some even fear that investing in a man when he is down is futile as men will always turn against you when they rise again. Hey, don’t forget that he married you when he was up. Some just believe that when money comes, it is time to show the man you are now in charge. These are all very destructive thoughts in marriage. The irony of it all is that women that behave like this only became whatever they are through the influence and investment of the same men. I often wonder how women easily feel it is wrong to marry a man who is yet to “make it”, even when it is obvious the guy is heading somewhere, and yet men marry women who are not even close to making it all the time.

For Better, For Worse was the Vow.....

Marriage is a lifelong commitment, diverse experiences will come along the way and blessings can come from any angle to the family. No partner has the right to feel larger than life due to individual success, whatever you have now is a blessing from God to the family as a unit. If you remain humble in your blessings, chances are that your falling partner will rise faster and in no time, you will enjoy restoration and recovery on all fronts.

Kudos to women who have stood by their men with love, dedication and respect in tough times.  I have seen so many strong women who have weathered the storms in times of difficulties in the life of their men.

Consider it a privilege that God is blessing your family through you, do whatever you can do to keep your partner motivated and upbeat about life, have faith in the relationship and your investments will yield fruits over time. Let us resist the “fast food” and “ready-made”  approach  to relationships, you cannot keep running from one pasture to the other looking for the green portion, water your own garden today!!

Marital Infidelity: Who takes the blame? (Part 2)

It is amazing that we can blame one person for the personal weaknesses of another. How could a husband or wife stop their spouse from making the “choice” to go out and seek out another partner? Do not forget that the cheating partner also has the choice to remedy whatever problem that is limiting his or her happiness in the marriage.

An illicit affair does not usually happen by chance, it does not just hit you like thunder as you walk on the street, and Infidelity is a process with ample exit opportunities. You see and feel the desire, you pursue or allow a pursuit, you yield and you go further to make clandestine arrangements to cover up the indecencies, and at each stage, you have the chance to opt out. Cheating is a deliberate act carried out by a willing soul from a yielded heart, and really has little to with what another person did or failed to do. You can take this to the bank!!

 

I am yet to see any couple that took a vow that says “if I am not happy with you, I will cheat on you”. If you know you are built to pay back every act of displeasure from your partner with one amorous affair or the other, won’t you rather consider living single and free to roam? Why do people want to keep their Marital Status intact while they roam the streets doing what even single people are too ashamed to do? Are you aware that the marital vow includes a line that says “forsaking all other men or women”? Have you explored all avenues to resolve issues with your spouse before looking outside? I bet you, looking outside “is in you” and has always been, if not, when it comes to you as a tempting thought, it will never develop into an act.

 

I will like to conclude by saying that it does not matter what your spouse did to you, and I don’t care who you are cheating with – driver, boss at the office, maid, ex-lover, business partner, church member or even pastor, it is your choice and you are fully responsible for your actions. Your husband or wife can be the best, and you still yearn for the forbidden taste of illicit pleasure because you are yet to deal with the issue in your heart, you will still yearn for the sour taste of wanton lust.

 

I will advise every married man or woman to take responsibility and take charge of what goes on in their hearts. Communicate your needs to your partner and work out a mutually beneficial plan to have your needs met within the confines of your marriage. Remember that no one is perfect and no situation is perfect, even cheating will not satisfy you as it sooner or later will introduce life changing complications. It will interest you to note that, most of the time, the third party involved is not even good enough as wife or husband, and again, you are just an additional option of pleasure for him or her by the mere fact that you are married. It is important to note that whatever is not working well in your marriage today probably worked perfectly at the beginning, why not make it work again, together without desecrating your marital bed and exposing your life risk of STDs and reproach that comes when what happened in darkness comes to light.

 

Indulging in infidelity as a married person is like being the Chief Medical Director of a Hospital, and sneaking into a Juju shrine for some un-branded, un-tested, un-licensed and dangerous concoctions meant to cure an unknown illness. Enjoy the protection that marriage offers, stay within your bounds and explore limitless possibilities to attain happiness with your spouse!!

 

Concluded.

Marital Infidelity: Who takes the blame? (Part 1)

A married man is found to be cheating on his wife, and we need to find someone to blame, who will be your most likely culprit? Or on the flip side, a wife has found pleasure in her colleague, boss or an old school mate, whose fault is it? Is it the cheat,  the offended spouse, the third party, or is it the notorious devil, or even God himself?

Ladies and Gentlemen, Who should be blamed when a married man or woman becomes unfaithful to the vow and begin to swim in the murky waters of illicit relationships?

The problem of infidelity has become so endemic that it accounts for a larger percentage of the causes of divorce today, and its effect is not limited to any religion. People who cheat on their partners are from a wide range of creeds and beliefs including Pentecostals, charismatic, orthodox, and others.

Some will like to give reasons like childhood abuse, societal influence, peer pressure, mid-life crisis as the likely reasons why married men tend to become even more randy than single men today. However, apart from Tiger Woods who felt “entitled” to amassing a harem of sex partners, other men caught in the very act are always prompt in pointing fingers at their wives for allegedly not meeting their sexual needs or not having enough respect for their leadership. Women too easily lay blame on their husbands’ door steps when they fail to keep their vows of fidelity. Women easily claim their husbands are no longer romantic or loving, hence the need for them to find love, attention and romance somewhere else.

Life and society has become more complex as we evolve into a modern way of life. Husbands and wives now find themselves on the road most times and spend long hours at work. Even those who are not travelling Executives still have limited intimate moments due to the demand for time to meet up with career and personal development goals. It is even possible that couples can be right there at home together, but cannot connect due to pressures from within and without. This situation creates some kind of challenge for couples and reduces their ability to meet each other’s basic needs in the marriage.

Would you rather fall into an immoral affair in this circumstance instead of evaluating the cause of the problem and seeking solutions? Have you assessed the problem critically and see how you can offer remedies? Have you done enough to get your spouse to give you what you want yet? Have you discussed the issues to see where your expectations are either abnormal or unattainable? Are you sure where you are heading to will give you that satisfaction over time? Is the price of your inappropriate behaviours worth it?

Back to the main issue, a man was recently found to be chronically involved in multiple marriages, and all he could do was to blame each and every woman he has been with for the collapse of the relationships. How come in each case, he was always the right one, all three partners were bad? We also hear people advising wives to try and do more to hold their men. We also have instances where husbands had to swallow their pride and admit “causing” their partners’ infidelities. Well, it is possible they caused it, however, accepting guilt for a partners’indiscretions may not really help the cheating partner to take responsibility for their behaviours.

Even though I truly believe that each party in a relationship must do certain things to keep their partners happy, however, I do not believe that you can do anything to tame a discontented randy heart.

To be continued.

Marriage, finance and burden of the previous generation

I heard the phrase “backward investment of value” some days ago on a radio programme, and it really made sense. I will like to share a problem that is so deep in Africa that it appears so normal and so dangerously eating deep into the fabrics of marital happiness and couples’ ability to provide for their future.

Future, Yes, that is what young couples are so supposed to be doing, planning and investing in their future, and believe me, this goes beyond paying inflated sums of money as kids school fees in any exotic school you can think of. I will touch more on this later.

We understand that by the very act of marriage, we are supposed to “leave our parents and cleave to our partners”, but in Africa, majority get married and yet cleaving to their family even more than they did prior to marriage. The pressure introduced by financial needs of both parents and siblings has been one of the major causes of marital crisis in this part of the world. Marriages have been torn apart by people who could not put the interest of their marriage ahead of the needs of their family. In-laws have instigated unnecessary crisis in marriages especially when they feel the couple is not evenly generous to both sides of the divide.

Couples today are stuck with parents and extended family members  who basically feel entitled to be “taken care of” and as such they continue to invest in the past and have nothing left for their future.

This is so because the only thing most parents have as retirement plan is the children who are now parents with their own responsibilities too. In this circumstance, you are bound to see yourself as the “ultimate helper” your family dearly needs, and you may as well continue in this role until your own kids are married with children and you are now retired, empty, and broke with no plan for survival. You see, a generational cycle has been created, does this sound normal to you, or would I provoke a desire in you to break the cycle of generational poverty and dependency?

Before I conclude, I want to state that I have read the Bible through many times; I have not seen where children are commanded to take care of their parents. We are commanded to “honour” our parents, Jacob honoured his father by giving him his best meal, not every day meal, you see? What the Bible said is that, “a good man will leave an inheritance for his children and children children”. You see that we have turned it upside down!

I do not really know where you are today, you may be the bread-winner of a whole clan of people and you feel justified carrying the weight, think for a moment, you are hoping your own kids and siblings will take care of you at old age, that is why you are training them? Why not break the cycle? Why can’t you be the “good man or woman” that will leave an inheritance for the future generations instead of waiting to transfer the burden of generational lack and poverty to them?

You can take care of your parents and grand-parents and all the offspring within the clan if you can, you can pay schools fees for your kids in the best scholls around, but if you are not investing in your own future, I mean, “you” as a future, then you have failed. I know one very honest man (yes, he worked for his money) who is now deceased, but his investments are still feeding his children who are now in the third and fourth generations. What will be your own story?