Practical ways to overcome Previously Un-identified Marital Errors (PUME)

There is this popular work place joke usually directed at employees who are not living up to expectations. As unprofessional as this may be, such employees are usually referred to as “Previously Un-identified Recruitment Errors”.  Being found wanting after engagement is not peculiar to employment situations, it also happens in relationships.

In marriage, previously un-identified errors simply means walking down the aisle without taking stock of the total package as well as the pros and cons about the other individual.  Sometimes, it means not making provisions for surprises which are mostly inevitable. Jacob worked for Laban seven years in exchange for his beloved Rachael, on the wedding day, he was convinced he had gotten his prize, it took the brightness of the morning sun of the day after the wedding for him to realize that he did not get what he bargained for.  Everybody may not be deceived as Jacob was, but what happened to Jacob was not a one off historical event.

With the rise of failed marriages attributed to “irreconcilable differences” today, is it not impossible that many marriages were consummated in the darkness of emotions, greed and impatience and just cannot withstand the shinning reality that follows the days after the wedding?

We have previously established that humanity is basically flawed and hyped expectations heighten the level of disappointment when faults and errors begin to manifest. Just as it is expected that employers, at the minimum, develop programs aimed at reducing the impact of previously un-identified recruitment errors, it will not be wise for anyone to get married, and does not think of how to cope with unexpected and previously un-identified personal differences, weaknesses and faults.

So many people will take the easy way out, by exiting the relationship. Jacob decided to work additional seven years to get what he wanted, same way, some people will want to exit the union and start the search all over. The truth is that you don’t need to start all over; you can still have a great marriage despite any personal and character flaws discovered post-wedding.

Love is a choice, so is happiness

Love is strongest when it has foundations stronger than feelings. Love will stand the test of time if it is an unconditional choice. Most times, people will give love unconditionally prior to marriage, and that accounts for why most of the faults go undetected. However, the faults will begin to manifest when they switch on the “detective” and “performance evaluation” mode after the wedding.  

Despite what you have come to discover as errors in your spouse, your love can go the distance if you chose to love unconditionally. That is God’s model for love, and we will be much happier if we chose to use same model like our maker.

If you cannot change your spouse, you can change yourself
Men and women can easily nag joy out of their union merely by trying to “panel beat” their mates to fit their expected design. Most of the most bitter struggles in marriages are as a result of people trying too hard to force changes in their spouses.

It is proven that learning to accept the other fellow the way he or she is, combined with adjustments to accommodate any differences will guarantee not just immediate happiness but longevity of the union. Tolerance is the sole most potent antidote in managing conflicts.  The only snag to it is that, to develop tolerance means changing YOU first, it is more like ensuring the log in your own eyes is removed before trying to finger your partner’s eyes.

Communication

Open communication is vital to healthy relationships. The unfortunate thing is that people try to play hide and seek all the way into marriage, trying to be what they are not. Your spouse may be more sympathetic and understanding if you put your weaknesses on the table upfront. If you come clean, chances are that both parties will become committed to growing together in every way.

Post Marital Education

Every couple who is interested in growing in character must invest in acquiring information on relationships and self improvement.  Knowledge has a way of empowering people, if you want to grow stronger in any area of life; the logical thing to do is to seek information and knowledge in that area. There are books, tapes, seminars all over the place that can help couples streamline their thought patterns to achieve a more enjoyable relationship. You must find a medium suitable for both of you, some people have problems with reading books; such people can try playing tapes while driving together or send links to important messages via mobile devices to their partners and discuss the learning points later.

Counselling

There are times when you need to talk to someone else. But be mindful of who you are talking to. Some Counsellors are very quick to tell you about demons and witchcraft troubling your marriage. The problem with this is that they easily give people scapegoats and consequently do not allow them to look inward and make necessary personal sacrifices and adjustments.

Counselling is meant to help you identify the root cause of the issues and provide road map for resolving the issues identified.

Whatever the issue is that you encounter in your marital journey, there is always hope if you have the right attitude. Just as employers do not fire all new employees just because they make some mistakes, no one should be in a hurry to condemn a relationship just because the other party is not living up to expectations.  I know many “goofing new employees” who were able to overcome their initial weaknesses and rose to become very reliable and dependable employees, same is applicable in marriages.