Dealing with unfulfilled Pre-marital Dreams and Aspirations

One major area of marital frustration is when aspirations that existed before the marriage could not find expression during the course of the marriage. It is common these days to find both men and women accusing each other of being “obstacles” to their dreams. Some even go to the extent of calling their spouses “witches”, all stemming from expectations of progress which were not met.

Instances of “runaway” husbands and wives are increasing by the day owing to the fact that people easily think the reason they have not made progress is because they are married, or because of the children. These set of people believe that if they were not in the relationship they found themselves, their life situation would have been different. This is the manifestation of marital regrets.

How did it happen?

If you have ever felt retarded by your marital or family commitments, I sincerely think you need to re-visit your foundations. Why did you marry as at the time you did to the person you are with today? What motivated you to enter the relationship in the first place? Perhaps, you were just not ready for the commitment, or it is possible you chased shadows and missed your true life calling; maybe you came into the marriage with too much expectation and too many uncompleted projects? Whatever is the case, you need to wake up and face reality.

Why Marry?

Many get married without taking time to understand how this new stage of life will affect their lives. Marriage is a life-long commitment to live your life thinking of the needs and priorities of your co-travellers. Except you are the very few people who had their lives carved out prior to marriage, you will need to keep adjusting the timetables of your life as you go. The adjustments you need is not because you cannot go alone to achieve your dreams (not minding whose ox is gored), but because you need to balance your priorities. The other people are not placed in your life by the devil to slow your destiny, speed and quality is not on the same plain. You may have remained un-married and gained speed, and still feel empty afterwards. Marriage simply should make you think with a bigger picture in mind and make you more responsive to a higher need which is to leave behind a generation that will carry the torch after you are gone. Raising a family involves so much of giving, and it takes a certain level of selflessness to be able to give enough of yourself to raise a family that you will be proud of. Remember, true success does not exist without successors!!

Because human needs are insatiable and varied per time, it is easy to fall into a bout of depression over what could not be achieved due to the opportunity cost of time and resources.  I would have loved to go to Harvard, but that would have implied putting off family for a few more years. Does it mean I cannot still make Harvard? Of course, I can!!  It is also possible for couples to put their individual aspirations first, but I will doubt if this will usually produce the desired outcome for the relationship. We all know by now that individual successes do not always make a happy marriage. Happy marriages are built on shared vision and mutual understanding.

I find it amusing to hear married women for instance complaining of how they have lost their dreams due to marital commitments. What did you agree with your partner prior to marriage?  I usually wonder why you should give up on your dreams altogether, why not re-target the dream, or chose a slower paced option. If the cause of your marital regrets is that Ph D dream of yours, do you truly think that it is worth more than a loving family? Consider this; you have friends who went head-long to pursue what you consider as the “dream”, Can you say for certain that achieving that dream has finally made them happy? I bet you, they yearn for what you have now.

If you see you marriage as a prize, a desirable trophy and a worthwhile life venture, I bet you will have no regrets and you will certainly find energy to still aspire to achieve other life goals. Don’t give up on your dreams, keep dreaming and enjoy every moment of your marriage!!

Domesticated Men: The Secret Fantasy of the Modern Woman

Back in the days when men were hunters and gatherers, before men and women entered the rat race of 8am to 5pm (sometimes 8am to 10pm) job routine, it was probably easier to say what work is for women and which one is for men. It has definitely become increasingly difficult to clearly segregate domestic responsibilities along gender lines even in a marital relationship. It is not very difficult to understand this, think about it, in most cases in the marriages of today, the woman is not just sitting at home waiting for the husband to come home, and in some cases, it is actually the husband that gets home earlier.

Cultural Disposition and Expectation Gap

No doubt, popular culture still expects the woman to do everything at home. As a matter of fact, it is expected that it is the only way she can keep her husband happy. Prior to marriage, to-be brides actually conform to this cultural expectation by making sure that they are seen to be diligent and hardworking at the home front by their prospective suitors. Problem with this is that both parties go into the marriage with different expectations, the man is feeling like a jackpot winner, getting a beautiful, and sometimes educated girl with some domestic skills to marry him, while the woman is hoping that the husband will let his romance get to the kitchen and other areas at home where his help is needed. This is a huge tripwire with serious potential for marital conflict.

Men and their upbringing

While some men may be so romantic that they can cook for their wives and do other mundane things other men may feel unthinkable, others were just not prepared for such. Men are raised as hunters even in these modern times; boys are taught that they have no place in the kitchen or in the washing room. Some mothers go as far as placing an embargo on any male in the family touching the soup pot. Some guys were lucky enough to be born into a family of many girls, believe me; it is hard for such a guy to be so well prepared for domestic jobs. My Dear Ladies, if your hubby grew up in such situation, how will you reverse the situation without nagging yourself out of relevance in the man’s life?

Fear of being taken for granted

There are instances where some men do have capacity to do well with the domestic tasks, but fear that their efforts will be taken for granted and converted to routine expected activity will not allow them to do what they can do to help. No man wants to be on a roaster for dish-washing or preparing egusi soup. It has been proven that men can do more to help their wives if their little efforts are appreciated and if the women can be a bit more tactful in engaging the man in domestic responsibilities.

Tired, angry wives and unsatisfied husbands

More women are becoming weary and burnt out due to overload of domestic chores. It is not the work in itself, but the frustration of having their spouse lazy about while the woman is sweating around the house. This kind of anger and frustration results directly to resentment for the husband and basically kill any romance that existed between the individuals. Without identifying the root cause, many husbands perceive the wife’s frigid disposition as rejection and this can create an ugly cycle of bitterness and pain in the marriage.

Achieving harmonious Domestic Partnership

Like every other area of life affecting marriage, we all have weaknesses and the strength of your marriage will depend on how best you manages the weak points.

The first step in managing these domestic gaps is for the woman to go back to the basics, especially for those who had mothers doing everything for them up to the point of getting married. You can take some coaching programs on home management related issues. Another way to manage the issues is learning how to plan ahead for the family. I must say here that men should stop this bad habit of demanding for freshly cooked food every time, this is not only frustrating for the woman, but unnecessary (you can prove me wrong).

Another area is getting domestic help; it may be part time or full time. I recommend part time domestic help for newly wedded couples because they really need space to bond without interruptions. Both couples must deal with the issues around domestic help, for instance, women typically are jittery over female helps and getting family members as live-in helps usually creates controversies for young couples. These issues should be discussed by couples and a workable option agreed.

In conclusion, even though one or both couple may fall short in domestic expectations, I will like to say that no dish-washing or banga soup should come between you and the love you have for each other. Your apartment may not always have the ambience of a five star hotel, and the kitchen may not always have the delicacies you so crave, but if you invest tolerance and understanding in your marriage, un-washed dishes and laundry will not lead to a fight and you will always find a way around any domestic shortcomings and still go to bed happy and contented every day.

Is the Marriage Vow Losing Relevance?

 

Whenever people want to be taken seriously, when they want their word to carry certain levels of integrity and trust, when they want the other party to believe that they will perform, they will usually find stronger terms of expression to cement their commitment to deliver. This assurance can be either verbal or written and depending on what is at stake may either involve witnesses and/or oath as the case may be. Failure to perform as promised will always spell doom for the enterprise at stake and the individuals involved.

Marriages are also considered to be serious enough an undertaking that it has to be sealed by a vow. The marital vow contains some very serious words of commitment, devotion and dedication that should not be taken lightly.

While we take covenants of business agreements seriously, I don’t think intending couples actually think through the marital vows as a prelude to the marriage. The divorce numbers does not suggest that these vows are even remembered and never really understood.

We often hear of couples jumping ship at the slightest change in fortunes for their spouses, we have seen women moving out to rent another apartment instead of staying back to support a jobless husband, we have seen men running off on a spouse with health challenges, and generally, the peace of many marriages have been threatened purely by mere fact that certain conditions that existed prior to the marriage have changed.

Most couples rush to the altar to take vows they do not have capacity or even the slightest intention to keep, this is very dangerous. It is very precarious for you to sign up to start a war when you have not calculated the cost of the battles that will ensue.

I heard a Pastor discussing the fact that some of our fellow Pastors have started changing the vows, to reduce the huge commitment embedded in those words. I heard for some officiating Pastors at weddings, it is no longer “for better, for worse”, but rather “for better, for better”....”in health and in health” as against “in sickness and in health”. While this revised marital vows seems to be in line with the gospel of faith, but faith should not deny the existence of certain realities like sickness, loss of job, financial problems and other things that show up in the course of life. If people who vowed for better, for worse can run for cover at the slightest discomfort, what do you think will happen to those who swore to “for better, for better”?

Before you get to the altar, or if you are getting confused in marriage due to the fact that things are not going as planned, remember these words, “for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part.......”, these are serious words of covenant, would you keep to the bargain?

Whichever vow you took, just remember that marriage is a commitment and that life is a journey on a road with so many twists and turns. If you jump ship at a point when your spouse is going through a turn, and join a free riding fellow at the other lane, trust me, you will soon get to another turn with your new riding partner.

Won’t you rather stay true to your vows?