Back in the days when men were hunters and gatherers, before
men and women entered the rat race of 8am to 5pm (sometimes 8am to 10pm) job
routine, it was probably easier to say what work is for women and which one is
for men. It has definitely become increasingly difficult to clearly segregate
domestic responsibilities along gender lines even in a marital relationship. It
is not very difficult to understand this, think about it, in most cases in the
marriages of today, the woman is not just sitting at home waiting for the
husband to come home, and in some cases, it is actually the husband that gets
home earlier.
Cultural Disposition and Expectation Gap
No doubt, popular culture still expects the woman to do
everything at home. As a matter of fact, it is expected that it is the only way
she can keep her husband happy. Prior to marriage, to-be brides actually
conform to this cultural expectation by making sure that they are seen to be
diligent and hardworking at the home front by their prospective suitors.
Problem with this is that both parties go into the marriage with different
expectations, the man is feeling like a jackpot winner, getting a beautiful,
and sometimes educated girl with some domestic skills to marry him, while the
woman is hoping that the husband will let his romance get to the kitchen and
other areas at home where his help is needed. This is a huge tripwire with
serious potential for marital conflict.
Men and their upbringing
While some men may be so romantic that they can cook for
their wives and do other mundane things other men may feel unthinkable, others
were just not prepared for such. Men are raised as hunters even in these modern
times; boys are taught that they have no place in the kitchen or in the washing
room. Some mothers go as far as placing an embargo on any male in the family
touching the soup pot. Some guys were lucky enough to be born into a family of
many girls, believe me; it is hard for such a guy to be so well prepared for
domestic jobs. My Dear Ladies, if your hubby grew up in such situation, how
will you reverse the situation without nagging yourself out of relevance in the
man’s life?
Fear of being taken for granted
There are instances where some men do have capacity to do
well with the domestic tasks, but fear that their efforts will be taken for
granted and converted to routine expected activity will not allow them to do
what they can do to help. No man wants to be on a roaster for dish-washing or
preparing egusi soup. It has been proven that men can do more to help their
wives if their little efforts are appreciated and if the women can be a bit
more tactful in engaging the man in domestic responsibilities.
Tired, angry wives and unsatisfied husbands
More women are becoming weary and burnt out due to overload
of domestic chores. It is not the work in itself, but the frustration of having
their spouse lazy about while the woman is sweating around the house. This kind
of anger and frustration results directly to resentment for the husband and
basically kill any romance that existed between the individuals. Without
identifying the root cause, many husbands perceive the wife’s frigid
disposition as rejection and this can create an ugly cycle of bitterness and
pain in the marriage.
Achieving harmonious Domestic Partnership
Like every other area of life affecting marriage, we all
have weaknesses and the strength of your marriage will depend on how best you
manages the weak points.
The first step in managing these domestic gaps is for the
woman to go back to the basics, especially for those who had mothers doing
everything for them up to the point of getting married. You can take some
coaching programs on home management related issues. Another way to manage the
issues is learning how to plan ahead for the family. I must say here that men
should stop this bad habit of demanding for freshly cooked food every time,
this is not only frustrating for the woman, but unnecessary (you can prove me
wrong).
Another area is getting domestic help; it may be part time
or full time. I recommend part time domestic help for newly wedded couples
because they really need space to bond without interruptions. Both couples must
deal with the issues around domestic help, for instance, women typically are
jittery over female helps and getting family members as live-in helps usually
creates controversies for young couples. These issues should be discussed by
couples and a workable option agreed.
In conclusion, even though one or both couple may fall short
in domestic expectations, I will like to say that no dish-washing or banga soup
should come between you and the love you have for each other. Your apartment
may not always have the ambience of a five star hotel, and the kitchen may not
always have the delicacies you so crave, but if you invest tolerance and
understanding in your marriage, un-washed dishes and laundry will not lead to a
fight and you will always find a way around any domestic shortcomings and still
go to bed happy and contented every day.
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