One major area of marital frustration is when aspirations
that existed before the marriage could not find expression during the course of
the marriage. It is common these days to find both men and women accusing each
other of being “obstacles” to their dreams. Some even go to the extent of
calling their spouses “witches”, all stemming from expectations of progress
which were not met.
Instances of “runaway” husbands and wives are increasing by
the day owing to the fact that people easily think the reason they have not
made progress is because they are married, or because of the children. These
set of people believe that if they were not in the relationship they found
themselves, their life situation would have been different. This is the
manifestation of marital regrets.
How did it happen?
If you have ever felt retarded by your marital or family
commitments, I sincerely think you need to re-visit your foundations. Why did you marry as at the time you did to
the person you are with today? What motivated you to enter the relationship in
the first place? Perhaps, you were just not ready for the commitment, or it
is possible you chased shadows and missed your true life calling; maybe you
came into the marriage with too much expectation and too many uncompleted
projects? Whatever is the case, you need to wake up and face reality.
Why Marry?
Many get married without taking time to understand how this
new stage of life will affect their lives. Marriage is a life-long commitment
to live your life thinking of the needs and priorities of your co-travellers.
Except you are the very few people who had their lives carved out prior to
marriage, you will need to keep adjusting the timetables of your life as you
go. The adjustments you need is not because you cannot go alone to achieve your
dreams (not minding whose ox is gored), but because you need to balance your
priorities. The other people are not placed in your life by the devil to slow
your destiny, speed and quality is not on the same plain. You may have remained
un-married and gained speed, and still feel empty afterwards. Marriage simply
should make you think with a bigger picture in mind and make you more
responsive to a higher need which is to leave behind a generation that will
carry the torch after you are gone. Raising a family involves so much of
giving, and it takes a certain level of selflessness to be able to give enough
of yourself to raise a family that you will be proud of. Remember, true success
does not exist without successors!!
Because human needs are
insatiable and varied per time, it is easy to fall into a bout of depression
over what could not be achieved due to the opportunity cost of time and
resources. I would have loved to go to
Harvard, but that would have implied putting off family for a few more years.
Does it mean I cannot still make Harvard? Of course, I can!! It is also possible for couples to put their
individual aspirations first, but I will doubt if this will usually produce the
desired outcome for the relationship. We all know by now that individual
successes do not always make a happy marriage. Happy marriages are built on
shared vision and mutual understanding.
I find it amusing to hear married women for instance
complaining of how they have lost their dreams due to marital commitments. What
did you agree with your partner prior to marriage? I usually wonder why you should give up on
your dreams altogether, why not re-target the dream, or chose a slower paced
option. If the cause of your marital regrets is that Ph D dream of yours, do
you truly think that it is worth more than a loving family? Consider this; you
have friends who went head-long to pursue what you consider as the “dream”, Can
you say for certain that achieving that dream has finally made them happy? I
bet you, they yearn for what you have now.
If you see you marriage as a prize, a desirable trophy and a
worthwhile life venture, I bet you will have no regrets and you will certainly
find energy to still aspire to achieve other life goals. Don’t give up on your
dreams, keep dreaming and enjoy every moment of your marriage!!
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