Practical ways to overcome Previously Un-identified Marital Errors (PUME)

There is this popular work place joke usually directed at employees who are not living up to expectations. As unprofessional as this may be, such employees are usually referred to as “Previously Un-identified Recruitment Errors”.  Being found wanting after engagement is not peculiar to employment situations, it also happens in relationships.

In marriage, previously un-identified errors simply means walking down the aisle without taking stock of the total package as well as the pros and cons about the other individual.  Sometimes, it means not making provisions for surprises which are mostly inevitable. Jacob worked for Laban seven years in exchange for his beloved Rachael, on the wedding day, he was convinced he had gotten his prize, it took the brightness of the morning sun of the day after the wedding for him to realize that he did not get what he bargained for.  Everybody may not be deceived as Jacob was, but what happened to Jacob was not a one off historical event.

With the rise of failed marriages attributed to “irreconcilable differences” today, is it not impossible that many marriages were consummated in the darkness of emotions, greed and impatience and just cannot withstand the shinning reality that follows the days after the wedding?

We have previously established that humanity is basically flawed and hyped expectations heighten the level of disappointment when faults and errors begin to manifest. Just as it is expected that employers, at the minimum, develop programs aimed at reducing the impact of previously un-identified recruitment errors, it will not be wise for anyone to get married, and does not think of how to cope with unexpected and previously un-identified personal differences, weaknesses and faults.

So many people will take the easy way out, by exiting the relationship. Jacob decided to work additional seven years to get what he wanted, same way, some people will want to exit the union and start the search all over. The truth is that you don’t need to start all over; you can still have a great marriage despite any personal and character flaws discovered post-wedding.

Love is a choice, so is happiness

Love is strongest when it has foundations stronger than feelings. Love will stand the test of time if it is an unconditional choice. Most times, people will give love unconditionally prior to marriage, and that accounts for why most of the faults go undetected. However, the faults will begin to manifest when they switch on the “detective” and “performance evaluation” mode after the wedding.  

Despite what you have come to discover as errors in your spouse, your love can go the distance if you chose to love unconditionally. That is God’s model for love, and we will be much happier if we chose to use same model like our maker.

If you cannot change your spouse, you can change yourself
Men and women can easily nag joy out of their union merely by trying to “panel beat” their mates to fit their expected design. Most of the most bitter struggles in marriages are as a result of people trying too hard to force changes in their spouses.

It is proven that learning to accept the other fellow the way he or she is, combined with adjustments to accommodate any differences will guarantee not just immediate happiness but longevity of the union. Tolerance is the sole most potent antidote in managing conflicts.  The only snag to it is that, to develop tolerance means changing YOU first, it is more like ensuring the log in your own eyes is removed before trying to finger your partner’s eyes.

Communication

Open communication is vital to healthy relationships. The unfortunate thing is that people try to play hide and seek all the way into marriage, trying to be what they are not. Your spouse may be more sympathetic and understanding if you put your weaknesses on the table upfront. If you come clean, chances are that both parties will become committed to growing together in every way.

Post Marital Education

Every couple who is interested in growing in character must invest in acquiring information on relationships and self improvement.  Knowledge has a way of empowering people, if you want to grow stronger in any area of life; the logical thing to do is to seek information and knowledge in that area. There are books, tapes, seminars all over the place that can help couples streamline their thought patterns to achieve a more enjoyable relationship. You must find a medium suitable for both of you, some people have problems with reading books; such people can try playing tapes while driving together or send links to important messages via mobile devices to their partners and discuss the learning points later.

Counselling

There are times when you need to talk to someone else. But be mindful of who you are talking to. Some Counsellors are very quick to tell you about demons and witchcraft troubling your marriage. The problem with this is that they easily give people scapegoats and consequently do not allow them to look inward and make necessary personal sacrifices and adjustments.

Counselling is meant to help you identify the root cause of the issues and provide road map for resolving the issues identified.

Whatever the issue is that you encounter in your marital journey, there is always hope if you have the right attitude. Just as employers do not fire all new employees just because they make some mistakes, no one should be in a hurry to condemn a relationship just because the other party is not living up to expectations.  I know many “goofing new employees” who were able to overcome their initial weaknesses and rose to become very reliable and dependable employees, same is applicable in marriages.  

Managing personal weaknesses in relationships

It is quite true that most people will put their best foot forward when they meet a potential spouse. They begin to customize their lifestyle, attitudes and behaviour to suit the preferences of the other party. Eventually, people get married in a “cultured set up” where both couples actually believe that they have found their perfect fit. I will not in any way insinuate that there are no people who are actually perfect fit and are having a hitch-free relationship, but perhaps, there are some who have come to discover that what looked so perfectly fitted still need some adjustments, this message will go a long way in keeping their relationships together.

It is natural for two people from different backgrounds coming together to have some rough edges. It is also true that humanity is flawed in its very core, it may be practically impossible to find a wife or husband who has no offence in him, no personal weakness and no area of improvements.  The irony of marriage is that we are often attracted to people’s strengths, so we naturally get married to people who have exhibited strength in the areas we find most appealing, however, the problem is that each human being is a composite of both strengths and weaknesses. As we are pulled towards the strengths, do we actually analyse how we will cope with the weaknesses, or we assume there are no weaknesses to deal with?

Many marriages will be saved if couples never thought they were getting married to Angels. My friend, if you know you are getting married to a basically flawed human, you expectations and reactions to issues will be totally different. Many marriages crumble today as a result of expectations not met.

I truly believe that if we have an understanding that our spouses are but mere humans, we will all be more tolerant, less critical, more understanding, tender, merciful and most importantly more forgiving, and eventually there will be fewer conflicts and less separations and divorces.
No matter how flawed your spouse is, he or she may not be able to withstand the power of mercy over time. As you show the fellow mercy, over time, he or she will cave in and fall in line. Showing mercy to your spouses’ errors may require more work from you. Problem is, nobody wants any work, we  all want spouses made in heaven, ready made with everything that will make us happy.  Bearing one another’s burden is about doing what you will not do ordinarily, it is about being happy to support your partner in his or her areas of weakness.

Have you ever seen the American or Jamaicans do their 4 by 100 relays or any of those relay races? They let the fastest men take the first and the last legs, and thus cover the weaknesses of the other two runners. The exchange of baton is swiftly done just before each man gets tired, enabling the next man power on in the race with fresh vigour.  

No relationship is totally bad, people will be more fulfilled if only they can learn to show mercy to flawed humanity, if not for anything, you are flawed yourself. Marriage will never cease to be a shocking eye opener for people who only look for strengths without having any idea on what to do about the weaknesses.

We are not advocating you condone wayward and irresponsible behaviour, but to understand that the best of any individual is limited by human nature. We are all work-in-progress.  The grass may seem greener on the other side, remember, they are all grass and every grass needs  gardeners and plenty of water  to remain green and lush enough for the eyes.

Wine and Marriage: The Mysterious Relationship

How instructive is it that the very first miracle performed by Jesus was during a wedding.  And what a miracle it was. The wine could not serve the audience, the couple could have been embarrassed and frustrated and the feast brought to premature end, but here comes Jesus, he turned water into a better quality wine and the party went on with greater joy.

Wine symbolizes joy, excitement, good and positive feelings, and this is what easily runs out in marriages as familiarity, personal conflicts and the rigours of daily living begin to drain the relationship. We spend so much time preparing for the wedding, without actually considering that after the ceremony is the lifetime commitment of being man and wife. Jesus demonstrated clearly that even if the wine should run out, that should not be the end of the show.

At the wedding, it is easy to know the wine is running short, but how will you know that wine is running short in a marriage situation;

1.  Lost Passion: All the butterflies in your stomach are now lifeless, you are no longer having sweaty palms and the adrenaline have since dried up. In summary, there is nothing exciting about the relationship anymore and your partner has become “business as usual”. It is not that the butterflies should always be there, neither should they die off completely either.

2. Intimacy gone over the roof: You know that the wine is fast running out when you no longer feel the need to have those deeply intimate moments with your spouse anymore. You have come to replace intimacy with things like work, kids, church activities, tending aged parents and even talk, yes, talking about your problems and challenges without considering that your partner too need some physical bonding. The wine is exhausted when couples are living more like “room mates”. If you have problems creating room for se, you are obviously out of wine.

3. Respect thrown into the trash: When the wine is finished, “Honey” will become “monkey”. When respect is lost, every discussion will end in argument, and every argument will be full of bitter words. Rewind to when the wine was flowing, no one dare say any hurtful words or aim to inflict any emotional pain.

4. Tender becomes Steel: When people are merry with wine, they tend to be relaxed, tender and manageable. They will be friendly and easy to carry along. But when the wine is finished, they come to a certain level of “self consciousness” and assertiveness. Couples arrive at joint decisions easily and peacefully when the wine is flowing, but will likely need a third party to mediate over even little things when the wine is gone.

5. Divesting from patience and tolerance: People seems to be “fault-less” when we first meet them because we want to invest patience and tolerance at that time. At the beginning, there is a huge appetite to bear with weaknesses and inadequacies, but this appetite diminishes at the same rate with the jar of wine in the marriage. Anger and criticism reigns in a home where the wine is exhausted, couples in this kind of home find themselves always at loggerheads – more like being each other’s opposition party.

6. Humility is written off: Humility does not have gender application when a marriage is still enjoying fresh wine. Both couple will be mutually submitted to each and fully committed to serving and making each other happy. People begin to rationalize their contribution and question the authority of their spouse when the wine is finished. Whenever you see a woman talking down her husband, know that the wine is now dried up; all they have left is empty vessels.

7. Gratitude is replaced by entitlement: A spouse will be made to feel like a super hero when he or she does something great at the beginning, but as soon as the wine runs out; even the most heroic act will look so ordinary and expected.  A young girl will be thrilled with taxi fair prior to marriage, but when the wine runs out; she may begin to demand for choice exotic cars. A sense of appreciation is lost when the wine runs dry.

No marriage can survive with empty vessels, some may but with pains, sadness and regrets. Jesus was at the wedding to show mankind that you can expect the wine to run out, but that should not be the end of the feast. Many couples have either terminated their marriages or venture into unfaithful acts  as soon as they ran out of wine, the Master has given us the template, simply bring out the empty jars and fill them with fresh water and continue with  the feast.

I usually say that dating is a deceptive way to determine how marriage will be like. Before marriage, you seem to have all the time, sometimes the right amount of cash, and the right level of motivation to move the relationship to the next level. If the conditions and factors that preceded the wedding fail to hold after marriage, the relationship will usually begin to experience hiccups. Unfortunately, many couples today do not prepare for change, and cannot maintain focus when the wine runs short.

Are you dismayed and disillusioned that marriage is not fulfilling your desires and fantasies? Are you considering seeking the wine somewhere else, do you think leaving your empty jars behind will help?  Many are going into their 3^rd and 4^th marriages because they don’t know how to refill the wine jars in their relationships.

You need to bring your empty jars and fill them with fresh water – fresh thoughts, positive thoughts, renewed mind, new ideas to bring sparks of hope and faith back in your marriage.