One Good Marriage Advice

Is there a silver bullet for marital challenges? Could there be a one-cure-all solution to the many malaise of matrimony?

At the risk of sounding like one of those “Dr Do Good”, those quack mobile Pharmacists you find at motor parks and intra-city buses, I will think communication is one very big highly under-estimated tool for marital fulfilment.

Think about it this way, how did it all start, I mean the relationship? You met, exchanged pleasantries, you liked the sound in your ears, you texted, called, met again and again, call over long distance, some did night browsing so that they could chat on Yahoo Messenger, that was long before mobile phones or mobile internet. So we actually know how to communicate.

Modern day relationships are heavy in communication at the beginning with the myriads of channels available today. I am almost certain that no one loses relationships these days for lost of contact. I am also sure that people don’t deliberately walk into “dry marriages”.

So how come a lot of marriages are strained and crumbling for reasons like irreconcilable differences, “I don’t understand him/her anymore”, “I can’t cope with him/her” and so on?

I realized that almost all reasons for unhappy or failed marriages can nearly always be traced to either quality or quantity of communication.  One major culprit here is that fact that the dynamics of communication changes post-marriage, a lot of people hardly prepare for some of these things or life just hit them unfairly. You now have different channels on your marital decoder...channel 100 is for house rent, 110 is diapers and baby food, 120 is for school fees, 130 may be for family issues while 140 may be work/business/career challenges. A lot of mis-communication happens at this realm but the greater calamity of marriage is when couples don’t create a channel for communicating beyond the chores of marital life. You need to tend the relationship because well nourished relationships fare better with the other issues of life – just imagine house rent falling due when the relationship is in frustration mode.

A working relationship is a communicating relationship with both couples sending and receiving signals on their deepest thoughts and needs without fear of judgment but with respect. Every problem you can imagine can be discussed, be it money, sex, in-laws or even number of kids. It is funny how a man/woman outside will be a better confidant than a spouse at home, it is called emotional infidelity, and it’s usually a few steps away from adultery. A lot of married folks have gotten themselves into shameful situations just because they felt they needed something they could not tell their spouse about.

That brings me to my last point; there are inhibitions to positive communication. That will include fear, which leads to self-censorship and eventually communication freeze.  There are people who can’t just communicate without being disrespectful or manipulative communicators who just want to do FYI (“for your information - I don’t need your opinion”), there is also stereotyping....”he/she never listens or never agrees to what I say”. Avoid these pitfalls and cultivate a free channel for positive and fruitful communication.

Marriage is mankind’s greatest opportunity for warmth, comfort, and love in a safe environment. But you can only get all these when the relationship works, and a working relationship is one where both parties are active and positive communicators.