I will marry you, if you don’t have a Mother!

It may seem inappropriate to say, that it has become quite common to find young women praying to meet a suitor whose mother is already dead. In other words, a guy’s prospects out of the many suitors on ground can be improved if his mother is no longer alive. This sounds very morbid, isn’t it?

Marriage, which is every mothers’ dream for their sons usually begin to turn to nightmares as the battle for control of the guy’s heart between the wife and the mother often squeezes energy and life itself out of the relationship. The mothers usually find it difficult to believe that another woman, who just emerged from nowhere, has the capability to make her son comfortable, and the wives will wonder why Mama cannot focus on her own husband and let her enjoy her own marriage.

This scenario is not limited to mother in-laws. You can also have meddlesome and never-let go father in-laws who are so obsessed with their daughters that they will like the daughters’ husbands to take instructions from them on how to run their homes.

There are instances where the mother in-law may not even want to interfere, but a young wife will initiate a war to ensure the remnants of family relationships of her husband is destroyed and the husband is completely detached from the rest of his family. Nothing wrong in having your hubby to yourself actually, but the problem is always that she will keep her own family associations intact, while making the guy a stranger in his own family.

It is well known that in this part of the world, we traditionally abuse family relationships, otherwise, why should you want to move into your son’s house after he has gotten married? Why is it after a lady gets married that all the siblings that her parents could not train will like to gain admission?  I bet you, most of the marital crisis associated with family issues is caused by things that are not directly beneficial to the couple and their own future – it is often the interest of elements in either or both families who probably want the marriage to fulfil their own expectations.

It is important we begin to sound it clearly to parents, marriage of your kids is not meant to fulfil your own expectations, design and agenda, and it is not meant to complete what you started in your own life. A young man and woman getting married is like a fresh seed with its own distinct purpose.

I think the golden rule is for parents to give out their children in marriage with the understanding that they are now independent. That also presupposes that you have trained your sons and daughters on what it means to be independent in a new family unit.  I think some parents will want to hover around their kid’s homes because they are not sure where and when things will go wrong. Crisis becomes escalated when parents from both sides are hovering in nature; this is a recipe for marital crisis.

Dear Friends, you don’t need a dead mother in-law. All you need are in-laws who understand their exact roles in the marriage. Don’t forget that every daughter in-law will one day become a mother in-law.

Moving on from an Expired Relationship

Do you think it may be a bit sacrilegious to classify “letting go” as an art? Art is basically an expression of human creative skill and imagination. Letting go of past events, past huts, past lovers and relationships has been so challenging to many people, that I personally feel there is need to apply some level of skills and superior thought processes to be able to make progress.

People easily blame their present predicaments on some certain past events. If I had passed that exam, I would have been rich today, If that guy did not dump me, I would have been happier today, if my parents were not poor, I would have made it, these are all good excuses for failure and unhappiness, but the issue is, would you rather not move away from your point of failure and find a way to make life a bit more meaningful?

There are people who are married but cannot find peace and satisfaction in their spouses because they are still living in their past. There are people whose greatest fan and confidants are their former lovers. There are people who are not married because they are stuck with the image of what they lost, they keep comparing every potential spouse with the one that left them to marry someone else. It is gone, please wake up and smell the coffee.

There are ladies and guys out there who prefer to seduce their married ex-lovers just to prove that “the love is still there, we are meant for each other”, there are also single men and women who exploit the past and the vulnerabilities of their ex-lovers to prove that marriage is a fluke after all. These categories of people are not only doing damage to their married friends but also stagnating themselves.
How do you know that you are still hooked on someone? You are probably sniffing around his or her social media profiles to see what is new in his or her life. You maintain constant communication secretly and unknown to your current partner.  You were not invited to the wedding, but you found your way there. You are at the point of getting married, and you are bent on having your ex present at the wedding without your spouse knowing.  You take time to find out who he or she eventually got married to, and sometimes you may still be in touch with some members of his or her family. Perhaps you keep comparing your current spouse with the former one, and in some cases, people actually retain the old relationship in its entirety.....ouch.

So how do you really prevent the past from messing up with your future?  I tell you the truth, deleting the number, burning photographs, or deleting social media profiles will not work. I am sorry. So what works?

 It is the battle of the mind; it is in your thoughts and the very depths of your soul. If you want to burn bridges, burn it from your very soul, and the best way to it is to tell yourself the truth – it did not work out for a reason, for a purpose, it is over, just move on. If you allow that message to sink into your soul, it is more likely you will heal faster and move on very well to even better things.

Another way to deal with the past is to know that your very best is always ahead of you. You may think what you had was the best that can ever be, if you can open up your mind again, you will realise that it can always be better.

You need to also know that no two individuals or situations are the same, develop contentment and maximise your life at the very place you have found yourself.

There are times when an ex partner becomes randy and begin to seduce you to probably use you to make up for his or her present emptiness and frustrations, at this point, remain focused and do not be tempted to either use the situation as a revenge mission or try to prove that you are still the best for him or her. If of you are single, re-union may be a rewarding possibility, but when one of the party is married, such re-union can only spell doom.

Where the relationship was within a close distance, you may think of relocating, changing job, or getting a transfer. Moving away from your point of pain does not mean you have not dealt with the issue, it simply means you are taking wise steps to protect your future peace and happiness. People who chose to stay may find themselves going in and coming out of the same relationship a couple of times without making any progress.

It is possible you may argue that you have related with your ex lover for years now even as a married person without doing anything wrong, the question you ask yourself are these, is your spouse aware of this your friendship, does this friendship honour your current relationship, would you be happy if your spouse has a similar relationship outside your knowledge? If you can sincerely answer all the above questions in the affirmative, then I will say, go on living in your two worlds, past and present, but be wary of the future.

 I wish to remind you that, in the land of temptation, cowardice is a huge virtue, as a matter of fact, it is only cowards that overcome temptations – they simply take to their heels.  Some love to play the hero for their exs, What about your spouse, the very person who saw the hero in you even when it was not so obvious and got married to you? Respect your current relationship, stay within your bounds!!

3 Ds of Infidelity in Marriage

Dear Readers,

Today is not a day for long story. I just want to inspire you or de-motivate you (depending on which side of the divide you are) with what I feel are the three top dangers of infidelity.

I have come to discover that people will always do whatever they have to do at a particular point in their life, but we find encouragement in pushing out the message hoping that, just one person will re-consider and think again.

Back to the issue, what are the three top consequences of infidelity, at least while we are still on planet earth?

Disease/Death - STDs, some very incurable and highly transferable. Straying from your matrimonial bed is a very high risk venture. Well, some believe that man must die somehow, someday. But why do you want to die before your time?

Disgrace - Wao, many mighty men and women have fallen and great plans aborted due to the shame and scandal of an infidelity blown open. Hey, it is not only religious people that get disgraced, ask Bill Clinton, Tiger Woods or DSK.

Destabilisation - Everyone desires a stable family. Infidelity accounts for half of divorce cases. Half of us may not forgive a cheating spouse caught red handed. What does that do? Another lost dream to build a suitable nest to raise a family gone down the drain.

It can be more, please feel free to bring them on.

Practical ways to overcome Previously Un-identified Marital Errors (PUME)

There is this popular work place joke usually directed at employees who are not living up to expectations. As unprofessional as this may be, such employees are usually referred to as “Previously Un-identified Recruitment Errors”.  Being found wanting after engagement is not peculiar to employment situations, it also happens in relationships.

In marriage, previously un-identified errors simply means walking down the aisle without taking stock of the total package as well as the pros and cons about the other individual.  Sometimes, it means not making provisions for surprises which are mostly inevitable. Jacob worked for Laban seven years in exchange for his beloved Rachael, on the wedding day, he was convinced he had gotten his prize, it took the brightness of the morning sun of the day after the wedding for him to realize that he did not get what he bargained for.  Everybody may not be deceived as Jacob was, but what happened to Jacob was not a one off historical event.

With the rise of failed marriages attributed to “irreconcilable differences” today, is it not impossible that many marriages were consummated in the darkness of emotions, greed and impatience and just cannot withstand the shinning reality that follows the days after the wedding?

We have previously established that humanity is basically flawed and hyped expectations heighten the level of disappointment when faults and errors begin to manifest. Just as it is expected that employers, at the minimum, develop programs aimed at reducing the impact of previously un-identified recruitment errors, it will not be wise for anyone to get married, and does not think of how to cope with unexpected and previously un-identified personal differences, weaknesses and faults.

So many people will take the easy way out, by exiting the relationship. Jacob decided to work additional seven years to get what he wanted, same way, some people will want to exit the union and start the search all over. The truth is that you don’t need to start all over; you can still have a great marriage despite any personal and character flaws discovered post-wedding.

Love is a choice, so is happiness

Love is strongest when it has foundations stronger than feelings. Love will stand the test of time if it is an unconditional choice. Most times, people will give love unconditionally prior to marriage, and that accounts for why most of the faults go undetected. However, the faults will begin to manifest when they switch on the “detective” and “performance evaluation” mode after the wedding.  

Despite what you have come to discover as errors in your spouse, your love can go the distance if you chose to love unconditionally. That is God’s model for love, and we will be much happier if we chose to use same model like our maker.

If you cannot change your spouse, you can change yourself
Men and women can easily nag joy out of their union merely by trying to “panel beat” their mates to fit their expected design. Most of the most bitter struggles in marriages are as a result of people trying too hard to force changes in their spouses.

It is proven that learning to accept the other fellow the way he or she is, combined with adjustments to accommodate any differences will guarantee not just immediate happiness but longevity of the union. Tolerance is the sole most potent antidote in managing conflicts.  The only snag to it is that, to develop tolerance means changing YOU first, it is more like ensuring the log in your own eyes is removed before trying to finger your partner’s eyes.

Communication

Open communication is vital to healthy relationships. The unfortunate thing is that people try to play hide and seek all the way into marriage, trying to be what they are not. Your spouse may be more sympathetic and understanding if you put your weaknesses on the table upfront. If you come clean, chances are that both parties will become committed to growing together in every way.

Post Marital Education

Every couple who is interested in growing in character must invest in acquiring information on relationships and self improvement.  Knowledge has a way of empowering people, if you want to grow stronger in any area of life; the logical thing to do is to seek information and knowledge in that area. There are books, tapes, seminars all over the place that can help couples streamline their thought patterns to achieve a more enjoyable relationship. You must find a medium suitable for both of you, some people have problems with reading books; such people can try playing tapes while driving together or send links to important messages via mobile devices to their partners and discuss the learning points later.

Counselling

There are times when you need to talk to someone else. But be mindful of who you are talking to. Some Counsellors are very quick to tell you about demons and witchcraft troubling your marriage. The problem with this is that they easily give people scapegoats and consequently do not allow them to look inward and make necessary personal sacrifices and adjustments.

Counselling is meant to help you identify the root cause of the issues and provide road map for resolving the issues identified.

Whatever the issue is that you encounter in your marital journey, there is always hope if you have the right attitude. Just as employers do not fire all new employees just because they make some mistakes, no one should be in a hurry to condemn a relationship just because the other party is not living up to expectations.  I know many “goofing new employees” who were able to overcome their initial weaknesses and rose to become very reliable and dependable employees, same is applicable in marriages.  

Managing personal weaknesses in relationships

It is quite true that most people will put their best foot forward when they meet a potential spouse. They begin to customize their lifestyle, attitudes and behaviour to suit the preferences of the other party. Eventually, people get married in a “cultured set up” where both couples actually believe that they have found their perfect fit. I will not in any way insinuate that there are no people who are actually perfect fit and are having a hitch-free relationship, but perhaps, there are some who have come to discover that what looked so perfectly fitted still need some adjustments, this message will go a long way in keeping their relationships together.

It is natural for two people from different backgrounds coming together to have some rough edges. It is also true that humanity is flawed in its very core, it may be practically impossible to find a wife or husband who has no offence in him, no personal weakness and no area of improvements.  The irony of marriage is that we are often attracted to people’s strengths, so we naturally get married to people who have exhibited strength in the areas we find most appealing, however, the problem is that each human being is a composite of both strengths and weaknesses. As we are pulled towards the strengths, do we actually analyse how we will cope with the weaknesses, or we assume there are no weaknesses to deal with?

Many marriages will be saved if couples never thought they were getting married to Angels. My friend, if you know you are getting married to a basically flawed human, you expectations and reactions to issues will be totally different. Many marriages crumble today as a result of expectations not met.

I truly believe that if we have an understanding that our spouses are but mere humans, we will all be more tolerant, less critical, more understanding, tender, merciful and most importantly more forgiving, and eventually there will be fewer conflicts and less separations and divorces.
No matter how flawed your spouse is, he or she may not be able to withstand the power of mercy over time. As you show the fellow mercy, over time, he or she will cave in and fall in line. Showing mercy to your spouses’ errors may require more work from you. Problem is, nobody wants any work, we  all want spouses made in heaven, ready made with everything that will make us happy.  Bearing one another’s burden is about doing what you will not do ordinarily, it is about being happy to support your partner in his or her areas of weakness.

Have you ever seen the American or Jamaicans do their 4 by 100 relays or any of those relay races? They let the fastest men take the first and the last legs, and thus cover the weaknesses of the other two runners. The exchange of baton is swiftly done just before each man gets tired, enabling the next man power on in the race with fresh vigour.  

No relationship is totally bad, people will be more fulfilled if only they can learn to show mercy to flawed humanity, if not for anything, you are flawed yourself. Marriage will never cease to be a shocking eye opener for people who only look for strengths without having any idea on what to do about the weaknesses.

We are not advocating you condone wayward and irresponsible behaviour, but to understand that the best of any individual is limited by human nature. We are all work-in-progress.  The grass may seem greener on the other side, remember, they are all grass and every grass needs  gardeners and plenty of water  to remain green and lush enough for the eyes.

Wine and Marriage: The Mysterious Relationship

How instructive is it that the very first miracle performed by Jesus was during a wedding.  And what a miracle it was. The wine could not serve the audience, the couple could have been embarrassed and frustrated and the feast brought to premature end, but here comes Jesus, he turned water into a better quality wine and the party went on with greater joy.

Wine symbolizes joy, excitement, good and positive feelings, and this is what easily runs out in marriages as familiarity, personal conflicts and the rigours of daily living begin to drain the relationship. We spend so much time preparing for the wedding, without actually considering that after the ceremony is the lifetime commitment of being man and wife. Jesus demonstrated clearly that even if the wine should run out, that should not be the end of the show.

At the wedding, it is easy to know the wine is running short, but how will you know that wine is running short in a marriage situation;

1.  Lost Passion: All the butterflies in your stomach are now lifeless, you are no longer having sweaty palms and the adrenaline have since dried up. In summary, there is nothing exciting about the relationship anymore and your partner has become “business as usual”. It is not that the butterflies should always be there, neither should they die off completely either.

2. Intimacy gone over the roof: You know that the wine is fast running out when you no longer feel the need to have those deeply intimate moments with your spouse anymore. You have come to replace intimacy with things like work, kids, church activities, tending aged parents and even talk, yes, talking about your problems and challenges without considering that your partner too need some physical bonding. The wine is exhausted when couples are living more like “room mates”. If you have problems creating room for se, you are obviously out of wine.

3. Respect thrown into the trash: When the wine is finished, “Honey” will become “monkey”. When respect is lost, every discussion will end in argument, and every argument will be full of bitter words. Rewind to when the wine was flowing, no one dare say any hurtful words or aim to inflict any emotional pain.

4. Tender becomes Steel: When people are merry with wine, they tend to be relaxed, tender and manageable. They will be friendly and easy to carry along. But when the wine is finished, they come to a certain level of “self consciousness” and assertiveness. Couples arrive at joint decisions easily and peacefully when the wine is flowing, but will likely need a third party to mediate over even little things when the wine is gone.

5. Divesting from patience and tolerance: People seems to be “fault-less” when we first meet them because we want to invest patience and tolerance at that time. At the beginning, there is a huge appetite to bear with weaknesses and inadequacies, but this appetite diminishes at the same rate with the jar of wine in the marriage. Anger and criticism reigns in a home where the wine is exhausted, couples in this kind of home find themselves always at loggerheads – more like being each other’s opposition party.

6. Humility is written off: Humility does not have gender application when a marriage is still enjoying fresh wine. Both couple will be mutually submitted to each and fully committed to serving and making each other happy. People begin to rationalize their contribution and question the authority of their spouse when the wine is finished. Whenever you see a woman talking down her husband, know that the wine is now dried up; all they have left is empty vessels.

7. Gratitude is replaced by entitlement: A spouse will be made to feel like a super hero when he or she does something great at the beginning, but as soon as the wine runs out; even the most heroic act will look so ordinary and expected.  A young girl will be thrilled with taxi fair prior to marriage, but when the wine runs out; she may begin to demand for choice exotic cars. A sense of appreciation is lost when the wine runs dry.

No marriage can survive with empty vessels, some may but with pains, sadness and regrets. Jesus was at the wedding to show mankind that you can expect the wine to run out, but that should not be the end of the feast. Many couples have either terminated their marriages or venture into unfaithful acts  as soon as they ran out of wine, the Master has given us the template, simply bring out the empty jars and fill them with fresh water and continue with  the feast.

I usually say that dating is a deceptive way to determine how marriage will be like. Before marriage, you seem to have all the time, sometimes the right amount of cash, and the right level of motivation to move the relationship to the next level. If the conditions and factors that preceded the wedding fail to hold after marriage, the relationship will usually begin to experience hiccups. Unfortunately, many couples today do not prepare for change, and cannot maintain focus when the wine runs short.

Are you dismayed and disillusioned that marriage is not fulfilling your desires and fantasies? Are you considering seeking the wine somewhere else, do you think leaving your empty jars behind will help?  Many are going into their 3^rd and 4^th marriages because they don’t know how to refill the wine jars in their relationships.

You need to bring your empty jars and fill them with fresh water – fresh thoughts, positive thoughts, renewed mind, new ideas to bring sparks of hope and faith back in your marriage.

Top 7 Marriage Killers You Need To Know

Divorce is becoming very common, even in the church. The marriage institution is fast losing credibility to the extent that singles now dread entering marriage, but for the fact that society and family will not let them be.
It is quite fascinating to see so many relationships falling apart these days. I have never seen anybody who said, “I hate you, so let us get married”, it is always about love, affection, friendship, understanding, trust and all the good stuffs that happens before marriage. When you look at every wedding invite, everybody seems to be getting married to their best friend, Love of their lives, their Angels and so on, and I begin to wonder who then is getting divorced now and whatever happened to all those good and positive qualities that were printed on the wedding invitation cards.

For every divorce story, there is always a thread of issues that are almost common. The intention here is to expose these common causes of divorce and thereafter begin to take detailed look at each of them and more in subsequent articles.

The Deception of Compatibility

Compatibility is a myth that many will never understand, it is the greatest deception hindering marital fulfilment. The quest for compatibility has delayed so many from getting married and wrecked so many homes. The major reasons cited for divorce in recent times has been that “we are no longer compatible”. The question is, were you ever compatible?  Was the incompatibility imparted during the wedding ceremony? Because I am sure these people once felt they were very compatible.

What do people seek for in compatibility? Plain and simple, they need someone that is exactly like them in every way. Sometimes, people feel compatible when they meet someone who is able to absorb all their imperfections.  In each of these instances, calamity will strike. No one will be like you;  we are all unique and different in every way. On the other hand, no one will take in your imperfections forever without reacting to either correct or improve you.

A single guy meets a Lady at the club, and they feel compatible clubbing and night crawling together, and they get married,  not too long into the marriage, the Lady begin to show signs of weariness in clubbing, maybe she was just doing it out of peer pressure or the need to meet the opposite sex, what will happen to her compatible husband? On the hand, a very gentle introvert meets a very temperamental and outgoing Lady and he feels he needs someone with more sparks to bring excitement into his dull life. They get married only for him to start admonishing her on how to manage her temper and be more homely, what will happen?

From the foregoing, it is obvious compatibility does not exist, no one is compatible, and we are all unique creatures with different needs, temperament, attitude, beliefs, upbringing and lifestyles.  Amos 3:3 does not mean we must agree on everything before we walk together, the key thing is for us to “agree to walk together”, catch that?

What makes a happy union is for two different individuals to come together and commit to a life of continuous adjustments which will involve making changes where necessary to accommodate each other.

The Real Issues.............

We have established that incompatibility is a lame excuse for divorce; let us now examine the real issues.

Sex and Intimacy

It is either not enough or too much, too basic or too advanced.  Either way, someone is feeling short-changed, dissatisfied or abused. The deal breaker here is lack of result-oriented communication and failure to make necessary adjustments to accommodate competing needs of each of the parties involved.  I have seen people opening up about their sexual needs to their Ex-partners instead of approaching their spouse. It is important spouses are open to such discussions to avoid hidden fantasies from manifesting in wrong places. Sex like any other thing in life is subject to improvement and upgrades.  It is stupid to give up a good marriage because of something you can easily work on.

Infidelity

Most relationships will not survive an unfaithful act by any of the partners.  Cheating accounts for most relationship break up prior to marriage, and still contribute to a large percentage of divorce world-wide. When men give in to their primitive tag of being “hunters”, they are actually “unstoppable” as they will want to go from one conquest to the other. For both men and women, failure to tame the natural wandering and covetous mind will lead to an endless desire to give in to the curiosity of chasing varieties.  Variety they say is the spice of life, but in marriage, variety spells doom and death. Marriage is an exclusive union between a man and a woman, the edge and the  hedge is in the exclusivity.

Infidelity is not just limited to sexual acts, but can also included emotional relationships often characterized by secret phone pals, online friends, BB chat partners, special work place friendships, and other contemporary and subtle forms of infidelities.

Discontentment/Regrets
Because marriage is a marathon rather than sprint, people usually begin to wax cold and slow over time and what used to be special may just become ordinary.  Unrealistic expectations not met will lead to a state of disillusionment. This is the point people start comparing apples with oranges; even the abusive and cheating ex-lover may just look like a better option all over again. This is the stage where a man can consider his maid a better wife material than the Madam he worked so hard to marry.
Good news to all regretful souls, even your other pre and post marital options have flaws too, if you doubt, just try switching camp.  Have you seen any episode of “wife swap”? I know someone who while in his third marriage, decided that come what may, he will rather die in it than try another one, it took him three attempts to see the light. You know, the grass always appear greener on the other side, you will never know the true colour until you get there.

Negative Temperaments
In this category is a whole lot of very dangerous emotions and attitudes that spells doom for any relationship. Anger in the home can open doors to just anything. I personally suggest people deal with anger before getting married. Anger can single-handedly wreck a marriage, most of the things said and done in anger are not easily forgotten and this weakens the relationship over time.

Inability to offer and receive forgiveness is also a major factor. Couples sometimes expect too much from each other, and whenever reality differs from expected behaviours, resentment may follow.  It is easy to look down on someone when weaknesses begin to manifest. It is important that couples acknowledge that we are all humans and learn to show mercy to each other’s faults and weaknesses. Before you cast the stone on your partner, examine yourself, maybe you deserve a stone or two too. Forgiveness has its deepest application in a marriage setting, nowhere is the seventy times seven times rule in forgiveness so relevant than in marriage. Showing mercy to your partner in his or her errors and faults is probably the best way to keep a stable and happy home.

Money/Greed

Managing finance in relationships can be thorny. It takes a couple who are dedicated to each other and committed to a joint vision to have a stress free marriage with money issues. Any attempt for any of the partner in the relationship to deploy finances for purposes other than the cause of the union without mutual consent can breed crisis.

Money is so important in marriage that both the absence of it and the abundance thereof can cause problems. Poor couples and rich ones alike have money issues.  No matter how rich a man is, he will react if he finds himself with a woman who is bent on reducing his net worth or erode his capacity to save with frivolous expenditure; many marriages have been wrecked by women who believe that money is meant to be spent. Many men have also driven their wives crazy by insisting on being the one to administer the wife’s income.

Check if money has become the master in your marriage.

Pride/Lack of Submission & Accountability

Sometimes, people just become uncontrollable as the day goes by in relationships. Pride breeds contempt, naughtiness, eliminates accountability, and this happens when people have lost respect for each other. This is usually the beginning of the end for such relationships.

 A good marriage thrives on a good balance of love, respect and submission. Men who have poor understanding of submission easily want to make submission appear like slavery and end up creating rebellious wives. It is important that men love and cherish their wives and women should not take a loving man for granted.

External Pressure: Family and friends

It is common for family members to seek to continue to dominate and control the life of someone by trying to “plant” a spouse in the person’s life. Such family members can become desperate when their aim was not achieved and will continue to look for opportunities to prove their point.

Friends and family who initially harboured some reservations about the union have a way of coming back to remind you that, “you see, we told you”. Let truth be told, if you had married the other guy or Lady they wanted for you, you may still have one issue or the other. There is nothing happening in your marriage that is strange, so yield not to these pressures to condemn your union.

Hope for All

Examine your relationship in the light of the above and take drastic actions to prevent the situation from degenerating further. The truth is that every marriage can be redeemed, it does not matter what stage of decay it is right now, begin to retrace your steps and commit to positive habits and actions, and you will see the dead rise, even in marriage.

Co - Provider or Co - Controller: When Money becomes a game-changer in Marriage

This topic would have been totally out of place in the past when all it took to be a wife was to sit back at home and ensure the house is in order, kids are doing great and there is food on the table for the master of the house. But today, the dynamics have changed. No one is waiting at home for the master to come back, some still do though, either waiting for a job opening or a business plan to develop, and of course, there is still a remnant of those who believe the man must carry his burden full time.

We are talking about those who have moved on to the modern trend, where both the man and the woman are out there trying to earn a living and also fulfil some life aspirations. The modern life has become so expensive that it takes more than one “normal” income to keep the family going. It is possible the man do earn some “abnormal income” and can afford to pay his wife to sit at home, I am talking about the rest of us who are just regular guys. Even Obama in the book “The Audacity of Hope” did acknowledged that it truly takes two to tango in today’s dance floor of family life. The man Obama has a wife who understood this fact, and no wonder he is the No. 1 man today.

As a matter of fact, this concept of stay at home wife has no historical reputation.  Our grandmothers stayed at home, but to be fair to them, they were also very productive economically. Some of them were able to combine multiple economic activities with their home making roles. I can recall my grandmother was a farmer, trader as well as a wife. So it will be so absurd to see a 21^st century woman or even man saying that women should do nothing but stay at home. I am sorry to say, even if the assignment is to breed 6 kids, I tell you, that woman sure do have capacity for something else in addition, just try her!!

If we have agreed that life will be easier for the family and the man will achieve more if his wife has her hands on the plough also, then how has this affected the psyche of both men and women in marital relationships or even before marriage and how does this situation affect the dynamics of marriage?

Dr Peggy Drexler posted on her blog recently how men are hoping their wives are able to earn income and yet could not handle it when the woman actually does earn more than the men.  While I agree that money can be a divisive factor in any relationship, I certainly do not believe that men will have issues once their wives earn money or even earns more than them. I also do not agree with the believe that young men are scared or intimidated when they meet successful young ladies. It is like saying, I have malaria but I do not want to take drugs, I cannot imagine any right thinking man, who will walk away from a successful and humble woman.

I know someone will like to ask, why should the woman be humble when she is the one paying the bills? That is exactly where the problem is. It is expected that money connotes power, and once woman comes in contact with cash, she may begin to exude power that may conflict with the existing power structure in the relationship.

Gender Struggles, Money and Power
While men have accepted their fate as providers and see no big deal in emptying their bank accounts to keep the family going, the act of providing is still novel to women, yes, and most women struggle with the realization that the family is dependent on them even when they have the means. In the wake of the massive job losses following the recession, cases of wives with well paying jobs walking away from marriages abound, they just could not take up the responsibility, and they needed to move on with another man who still has the means to make them feel like women – “taken care of”. So many proposed marriages were cancelled by the mere fact that the man has been separated from his source of income, and the woman cannot afford to risk stepping into that life of uncertainty.
Again, women who chose to stay as co-provider or even sole provider suddenly feel a surge of power, and will like to dominate, more like reversing the genders since the balance of power has shifted.  Most women who now have financial advantage over their husbands will feel cheated if the man does not step up in his domestic responsibilities. It is more like, you are the one at home now, you should as well do the chores. Though it makes sense that he who stays home should do the chores, but the approach should not be the one that rubs salt on a man’s bruised ego already battered by unfulfilled dreams. If your husband has never been to the Meat market before when the going was good, why do you want to send him there all because you now contribute to the family welfare?  When he was the sole provider, he used to indulge in Premiership Football on TV every weekend, why should you harass him for being a couch potato just because you now earn more?  Think for a second, woman.

Even though I believe that a man should take up some domestic assignments irrespective of his financial status, it is killing for a man to be turned to a house maid, all because he is no longer financially buoyant. Such women without knowing have castrated their husbands, no matter how much you are spending to feed him and pay the kids’ school fees, and no matter how much you spend to look beautiful, he is no longer going to find you attractive, because you are now like his Master’s wife or Mother, and no sane man will be attracted to his mother. It is not uncommon for men in that situation to exit the relationship when they find a woman who understands their situations and respects them for who they are,  or wait until their estate improves before severing ties, at that stage, the erstwhile partner will be crying blue murder and calling the man ingrate.

Looking for Champions and nursing wounded Champions

There is a great contradiction in the way men and women are wired that requires some skills to harness. Men are wired to be champions and women are wired to be attracted to champions. You married a man because he was “your champion” back then, but now he seems to have lost his championship, most impatient and weak livered women will move on to find the next champ, but a woman who understands the power she has will put on her magic wand and begin to nurse the wounds of this ex-champ and nourish him back to reckoning. Delilah knew how to nurse a battered and battle weary warrior; women need to learn a thing or two from her skills. I have seen women trying to return to a man they dumped when he went down,  they now want him back because he is now back on his two feet as a man, how irresponsible can people be?

Eve was created to assist Adam,  and she was accountable to him as he was to God, disaster struck when she took laws into her hands. Most women easily feel invincible once they have source of income, and at that point, men become dispensable to them.  It becomes a case of “I can have another you in a minute”.  Some even fear that investing in a man when he is down is futile as men will always turn against you when they rise again. Hey, don’t forget that he married you when he was up. Some just believe that when money comes, it is time to show the man you are now in charge. These are all very destructive thoughts in marriage. The irony of it all is that women that behave like this only became whatever they are through the influence and investment of the same men. I often wonder how women easily feel it is wrong to marry a man who is yet to “make it”, even when it is obvious the guy is heading somewhere, and yet men marry women who are not even close to making it all the time.

For Better, For Worse was the Vow.....

Marriage is a lifelong commitment, diverse experiences will come along the way and blessings can come from any angle to the family. No partner has the right to feel larger than life due to individual success, whatever you have now is a blessing from God to the family as a unit. If you remain humble in your blessings, chances are that your falling partner will rise faster and in no time, you will enjoy restoration and recovery on all fronts.

Kudos to women who have stood by their men with love, dedication and respect in tough times.  I have seen so many strong women who have weathered the storms in times of difficulties in the life of their men.

Consider it a privilege that God is blessing your family through you, do whatever you can do to keep your partner motivated and upbeat about life, have faith in the relationship and your investments will yield fruits over time. Let us resist the “fast food” and “ready-made”  approach  to relationships, you cannot keep running from one pasture to the other looking for the green portion, water your own garden today!!

Marital Infidelity: Who takes the blame? (Part 2)

It is amazing that we can blame one person for the personal weaknesses of another. How could a husband or wife stop their spouse from making the “choice” to go out and seek out another partner? Do not forget that the cheating partner also has the choice to remedy whatever problem that is limiting his or her happiness in the marriage.

An illicit affair does not usually happen by chance, it does not just hit you like thunder as you walk on the street, and Infidelity is a process with ample exit opportunities. You see and feel the desire, you pursue or allow a pursuit, you yield and you go further to make clandestine arrangements to cover up the indecencies, and at each stage, you have the chance to opt out. Cheating is a deliberate act carried out by a willing soul from a yielded heart, and really has little to with what another person did or failed to do. You can take this to the bank!!

 

I am yet to see any couple that took a vow that says “if I am not happy with you, I will cheat on you”. If you know you are built to pay back every act of displeasure from your partner with one amorous affair or the other, won’t you rather consider living single and free to roam? Why do people want to keep their Marital Status intact while they roam the streets doing what even single people are too ashamed to do? Are you aware that the marital vow includes a line that says “forsaking all other men or women”? Have you explored all avenues to resolve issues with your spouse before looking outside? I bet you, looking outside “is in you” and has always been, if not, when it comes to you as a tempting thought, it will never develop into an act.

 

I will like to conclude by saying that it does not matter what your spouse did to you, and I don’t care who you are cheating with – driver, boss at the office, maid, ex-lover, business partner, church member or even pastor, it is your choice and you are fully responsible for your actions. Your husband or wife can be the best, and you still yearn for the forbidden taste of illicit pleasure because you are yet to deal with the issue in your heart, you will still yearn for the sour taste of wanton lust.

 

I will advise every married man or woman to take responsibility and take charge of what goes on in their hearts. Communicate your needs to your partner and work out a mutually beneficial plan to have your needs met within the confines of your marriage. Remember that no one is perfect and no situation is perfect, even cheating will not satisfy you as it sooner or later will introduce life changing complications. It will interest you to note that, most of the time, the third party involved is not even good enough as wife or husband, and again, you are just an additional option of pleasure for him or her by the mere fact that you are married. It is important to note that whatever is not working well in your marriage today probably worked perfectly at the beginning, why not make it work again, together without desecrating your marital bed and exposing your life risk of STDs and reproach that comes when what happened in darkness comes to light.

 

Indulging in infidelity as a married person is like being the Chief Medical Director of a Hospital, and sneaking into a Juju shrine for some un-branded, un-tested, un-licensed and dangerous concoctions meant to cure an unknown illness. Enjoy the protection that marriage offers, stay within your bounds and explore limitless possibilities to attain happiness with your spouse!!

 

Concluded.

Marital Infidelity: Who takes the blame? (Part 1)

A married man is found to be cheating on his wife, and we need to find someone to blame, who will be your most likely culprit? Or on the flip side, a wife has found pleasure in her colleague, boss or an old school mate, whose fault is it? Is it the cheat,  the offended spouse, the third party, or is it the notorious devil, or even God himself?

Ladies and Gentlemen, Who should be blamed when a married man or woman becomes unfaithful to the vow and begin to swim in the murky waters of illicit relationships?

The problem of infidelity has become so endemic that it accounts for a larger percentage of the causes of divorce today, and its effect is not limited to any religion. People who cheat on their partners are from a wide range of creeds and beliefs including Pentecostals, charismatic, orthodox, and others.

Some will like to give reasons like childhood abuse, societal influence, peer pressure, mid-life crisis as the likely reasons why married men tend to become even more randy than single men today. However, apart from Tiger Woods who felt “entitled” to amassing a harem of sex partners, other men caught in the very act are always prompt in pointing fingers at their wives for allegedly not meeting their sexual needs or not having enough respect for their leadership. Women too easily lay blame on their husbands’ door steps when they fail to keep their vows of fidelity. Women easily claim their husbands are no longer romantic or loving, hence the need for them to find love, attention and romance somewhere else.

Life and society has become more complex as we evolve into a modern way of life. Husbands and wives now find themselves on the road most times and spend long hours at work. Even those who are not travelling Executives still have limited intimate moments due to the demand for time to meet up with career and personal development goals. It is even possible that couples can be right there at home together, but cannot connect due to pressures from within and without. This situation creates some kind of challenge for couples and reduces their ability to meet each other’s basic needs in the marriage.

Would you rather fall into an immoral affair in this circumstance instead of evaluating the cause of the problem and seeking solutions? Have you assessed the problem critically and see how you can offer remedies? Have you done enough to get your spouse to give you what you want yet? Have you discussed the issues to see where your expectations are either abnormal or unattainable? Are you sure where you are heading to will give you that satisfaction over time? Is the price of your inappropriate behaviours worth it?

Back to the main issue, a man was recently found to be chronically involved in multiple marriages, and all he could do was to blame each and every woman he has been with for the collapse of the relationships. How come in each case, he was always the right one, all three partners were bad? We also hear people advising wives to try and do more to hold their men. We also have instances where husbands had to swallow their pride and admit “causing” their partners’ infidelities. Well, it is possible they caused it, however, accepting guilt for a partners’indiscretions may not really help the cheating partner to take responsibility for their behaviours.

Even though I truly believe that each party in a relationship must do certain things to keep their partners happy, however, I do not believe that you can do anything to tame a discontented randy heart.

To be continued.

Marriage, finance and burden of the previous generation

I heard the phrase “backward investment of value” some days ago on a radio programme, and it really made sense. I will like to share a problem that is so deep in Africa that it appears so normal and so dangerously eating deep into the fabrics of marital happiness and couples’ ability to provide for their future.

Future, Yes, that is what young couples are so supposed to be doing, planning and investing in their future, and believe me, this goes beyond paying inflated sums of money as kids school fees in any exotic school you can think of. I will touch more on this later.

We understand that by the very act of marriage, we are supposed to “leave our parents and cleave to our partners”, but in Africa, majority get married and yet cleaving to their family even more than they did prior to marriage. The pressure introduced by financial needs of both parents and siblings has been one of the major causes of marital crisis in this part of the world. Marriages have been torn apart by people who could not put the interest of their marriage ahead of the needs of their family. In-laws have instigated unnecessary crisis in marriages especially when they feel the couple is not evenly generous to both sides of the divide.

Couples today are stuck with parents and extended family members  who basically feel entitled to be “taken care of” and as such they continue to invest in the past and have nothing left for their future.

This is so because the only thing most parents have as retirement plan is the children who are now parents with their own responsibilities too. In this circumstance, you are bound to see yourself as the “ultimate helper” your family dearly needs, and you may as well continue in this role until your own kids are married with children and you are now retired, empty, and broke with no plan for survival. You see, a generational cycle has been created, does this sound normal to you, or would I provoke a desire in you to break the cycle of generational poverty and dependency?

Before I conclude, I want to state that I have read the Bible through many times; I have not seen where children are commanded to take care of their parents. We are commanded to “honour” our parents, Jacob honoured his father by giving him his best meal, not every day meal, you see? What the Bible said is that, “a good man will leave an inheritance for his children and children children”. You see that we have turned it upside down!

I do not really know where you are today, you may be the bread-winner of a whole clan of people and you feel justified carrying the weight, think for a moment, you are hoping your own kids and siblings will take care of you at old age, that is why you are training them? Why not break the cycle? Why can’t you be the “good man or woman” that will leave an inheritance for the future generations instead of waiting to transfer the burden of generational lack and poverty to them?

You can take care of your parents and grand-parents and all the offspring within the clan if you can, you can pay schools fees for your kids in the best scholls around, but if you are not investing in your own future, I mean, “you” as a future, then you have failed. I know one very honest man (yes, he worked for his money) who is now deceased, but his investments are still feeding his children who are now in the third and fourth generations. What will be your own story?

Dealing with unfulfilled Pre-marital Dreams and Aspirations

One major area of marital frustration is when aspirations that existed before the marriage could not find expression during the course of the marriage. It is common these days to find both men and women accusing each other of being “obstacles” to their dreams. Some even go to the extent of calling their spouses “witches”, all stemming from expectations of progress which were not met.

Instances of “runaway” husbands and wives are increasing by the day owing to the fact that people easily think the reason they have not made progress is because they are married, or because of the children. These set of people believe that if they were not in the relationship they found themselves, their life situation would have been different. This is the manifestation of marital regrets.

How did it happen?

If you have ever felt retarded by your marital or family commitments, I sincerely think you need to re-visit your foundations. Why did you marry as at the time you did to the person you are with today? What motivated you to enter the relationship in the first place? Perhaps, you were just not ready for the commitment, or it is possible you chased shadows and missed your true life calling; maybe you came into the marriage with too much expectation and too many uncompleted projects? Whatever is the case, you need to wake up and face reality.

Why Marry?

Many get married without taking time to understand how this new stage of life will affect their lives. Marriage is a life-long commitment to live your life thinking of the needs and priorities of your co-travellers. Except you are the very few people who had their lives carved out prior to marriage, you will need to keep adjusting the timetables of your life as you go. The adjustments you need is not because you cannot go alone to achieve your dreams (not minding whose ox is gored), but because you need to balance your priorities. The other people are not placed in your life by the devil to slow your destiny, speed and quality is not on the same plain. You may have remained un-married and gained speed, and still feel empty afterwards. Marriage simply should make you think with a bigger picture in mind and make you more responsive to a higher need which is to leave behind a generation that will carry the torch after you are gone. Raising a family involves so much of giving, and it takes a certain level of selflessness to be able to give enough of yourself to raise a family that you will be proud of. Remember, true success does not exist without successors!!

Because human needs are insatiable and varied per time, it is easy to fall into a bout of depression over what could not be achieved due to the opportunity cost of time and resources.  I would have loved to go to Harvard, but that would have implied putting off family for a few more years. Does it mean I cannot still make Harvard? Of course, I can!!  It is also possible for couples to put their individual aspirations first, but I will doubt if this will usually produce the desired outcome for the relationship. We all know by now that individual successes do not always make a happy marriage. Happy marriages are built on shared vision and mutual understanding.

I find it amusing to hear married women for instance complaining of how they have lost their dreams due to marital commitments. What did you agree with your partner prior to marriage?  I usually wonder why you should give up on your dreams altogether, why not re-target the dream, or chose a slower paced option. If the cause of your marital regrets is that Ph D dream of yours, do you truly think that it is worth more than a loving family? Consider this; you have friends who went head-long to pursue what you consider as the “dream”, Can you say for certain that achieving that dream has finally made them happy? I bet you, they yearn for what you have now.

If you see you marriage as a prize, a desirable trophy and a worthwhile life venture, I bet you will have no regrets and you will certainly find energy to still aspire to achieve other life goals. Don’t give up on your dreams, keep dreaming and enjoy every moment of your marriage!!

Domesticated Men: The Secret Fantasy of the Modern Woman

Back in the days when men were hunters and gatherers, before men and women entered the rat race of 8am to 5pm (sometimes 8am to 10pm) job routine, it was probably easier to say what work is for women and which one is for men. It has definitely become increasingly difficult to clearly segregate domestic responsibilities along gender lines even in a marital relationship. It is not very difficult to understand this, think about it, in most cases in the marriages of today, the woman is not just sitting at home waiting for the husband to come home, and in some cases, it is actually the husband that gets home earlier.

Cultural Disposition and Expectation Gap

No doubt, popular culture still expects the woman to do everything at home. As a matter of fact, it is expected that it is the only way she can keep her husband happy. Prior to marriage, to-be brides actually conform to this cultural expectation by making sure that they are seen to be diligent and hardworking at the home front by their prospective suitors. Problem with this is that both parties go into the marriage with different expectations, the man is feeling like a jackpot winner, getting a beautiful, and sometimes educated girl with some domestic skills to marry him, while the woman is hoping that the husband will let his romance get to the kitchen and other areas at home where his help is needed. This is a huge tripwire with serious potential for marital conflict.

Men and their upbringing

While some men may be so romantic that they can cook for their wives and do other mundane things other men may feel unthinkable, others were just not prepared for such. Men are raised as hunters even in these modern times; boys are taught that they have no place in the kitchen or in the washing room. Some mothers go as far as placing an embargo on any male in the family touching the soup pot. Some guys were lucky enough to be born into a family of many girls, believe me; it is hard for such a guy to be so well prepared for domestic jobs. My Dear Ladies, if your hubby grew up in such situation, how will you reverse the situation without nagging yourself out of relevance in the man’s life?

Fear of being taken for granted

There are instances where some men do have capacity to do well with the domestic tasks, but fear that their efforts will be taken for granted and converted to routine expected activity will not allow them to do what they can do to help. No man wants to be on a roaster for dish-washing or preparing egusi soup. It has been proven that men can do more to help their wives if their little efforts are appreciated and if the women can be a bit more tactful in engaging the man in domestic responsibilities.

Tired, angry wives and unsatisfied husbands

More women are becoming weary and burnt out due to overload of domestic chores. It is not the work in itself, but the frustration of having their spouse lazy about while the woman is sweating around the house. This kind of anger and frustration results directly to resentment for the husband and basically kill any romance that existed between the individuals. Without identifying the root cause, many husbands perceive the wife’s frigid disposition as rejection and this can create an ugly cycle of bitterness and pain in the marriage.

Achieving harmonious Domestic Partnership

Like every other area of life affecting marriage, we all have weaknesses and the strength of your marriage will depend on how best you manages the weak points.

The first step in managing these domestic gaps is for the woman to go back to the basics, especially for those who had mothers doing everything for them up to the point of getting married. You can take some coaching programs on home management related issues. Another way to manage the issues is learning how to plan ahead for the family. I must say here that men should stop this bad habit of demanding for freshly cooked food every time, this is not only frustrating for the woman, but unnecessary (you can prove me wrong).

Another area is getting domestic help; it may be part time or full time. I recommend part time domestic help for newly wedded couples because they really need space to bond without interruptions. Both couples must deal with the issues around domestic help, for instance, women typically are jittery over female helps and getting family members as live-in helps usually creates controversies for young couples. These issues should be discussed by couples and a workable option agreed.

In conclusion, even though one or both couple may fall short in domestic expectations, I will like to say that no dish-washing or banga soup should come between you and the love you have for each other. Your apartment may not always have the ambience of a five star hotel, and the kitchen may not always have the delicacies you so crave, but if you invest tolerance and understanding in your marriage, un-washed dishes and laundry will not lead to a fight and you will always find a way around any domestic shortcomings and still go to bed happy and contented every day.

Is the Marriage Vow Losing Relevance?

 

Whenever people want to be taken seriously, when they want their word to carry certain levels of integrity and trust, when they want the other party to believe that they will perform, they will usually find stronger terms of expression to cement their commitment to deliver. This assurance can be either verbal or written and depending on what is at stake may either involve witnesses and/or oath as the case may be. Failure to perform as promised will always spell doom for the enterprise at stake and the individuals involved.

Marriages are also considered to be serious enough an undertaking that it has to be sealed by a vow. The marital vow contains some very serious words of commitment, devotion and dedication that should not be taken lightly.

While we take covenants of business agreements seriously, I don’t think intending couples actually think through the marital vows as a prelude to the marriage. The divorce numbers does not suggest that these vows are even remembered and never really understood.

We often hear of couples jumping ship at the slightest change in fortunes for their spouses, we have seen women moving out to rent another apartment instead of staying back to support a jobless husband, we have seen men running off on a spouse with health challenges, and generally, the peace of many marriages have been threatened purely by mere fact that certain conditions that existed prior to the marriage have changed.

Most couples rush to the altar to take vows they do not have capacity or even the slightest intention to keep, this is very dangerous. It is very precarious for you to sign up to start a war when you have not calculated the cost of the battles that will ensue.

I heard a Pastor discussing the fact that some of our fellow Pastors have started changing the vows, to reduce the huge commitment embedded in those words. I heard for some officiating Pastors at weddings, it is no longer “for better, for worse”, but rather “for better, for better”....”in health and in health” as against “in sickness and in health”. While this revised marital vows seems to be in line with the gospel of faith, but faith should not deny the existence of certain realities like sickness, loss of job, financial problems and other things that show up in the course of life. If people who vowed for better, for worse can run for cover at the slightest discomfort, what do you think will happen to those who swore to “for better, for better”?

Before you get to the altar, or if you are getting confused in marriage due to the fact that things are not going as planned, remember these words, “for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part.......”, these are serious words of covenant, would you keep to the bargain?

Whichever vow you took, just remember that marriage is a commitment and that life is a journey on a road with so many twists and turns. If you jump ship at a point when your spouse is going through a turn, and join a free riding fellow at the other lane, trust me, you will soon get to another turn with your new riding partner.

Won’t you rather stay true to your vows?

Pre-Marital Garbage affecting marriages

Every action they say has an equivalent reaction. No wonder the rise in divorce rates is also happening at a time when pre-marital relationships have also assumed a dangerous dimension.

In our times, young people devote so much time to relationships and do so much in such relationships that leaves them so fragmented and devastated when things go wrong.

We find situations where people start looking for mates so early in life and by the time they get to marriageable age, they might have suffered so much emotional and physical abuse that what they take into marriage is the “left over”. Such people may have challenges remaining committed to a spouse over the long haul due to a pattern of variety and constant chase and change of mates. Literally, by the time they get married, they are so weary that love and marriage don’t make sense any more. Unfortunately, such people still find people to get married to with their damaged heart condition. What will happen to marriage with someone who is already tired of love, sex, companionship and everything that makes marriage work? Infidelity is wrecking homes today because couples (men and women) cannot just maintain focus on a single partner for a long time. This is a sad and devastating situation.

The most critical is the fact that most pre - marital relationships are just what it is, a phase that young people go through, one or both of the individuals involved may not really have any plan for the future. In this instance, you find such young people breaking up and moving on with any slight discomfort, displeasure or change in circumstances in the relationship. This “break up and move on” cycle makes the singles’ life interesting, fun and full of rich variety, however, it forms a bad habit most dangerous to marriage. Some people are so good at it that by the time they get married; they would have gone round the cycle so many times that it becomes so easy to execute, it’s all about “walking away”! Do you wonder why many marriages are packing up within one year? The answer is that the “break up and move on” cycle was carried into marriage, so sad! They couple could not just endure the first set of arguments and disagreements, the marriage automatically becomes a mistake which must be corrected using the “break up and move on” therapy.

Many who used their bodies to raise funds from different men on a continuous basis will also have challenges coping with the challenge of depending on a single man for financial support in marriage. Women in this category either resort to living miserably and spreading same to the husband especially when he cannot meet up with her unrealistic and inconsiderate financial demands or venture back to their pre-marital philandering ways.

Whatever wrong relationship habits formed prior to marriage either deliberately, due to ignorance or circumstances must be dealt with to avoid marital disaster. Such habits may include multiple dating, online flirting (virtual lovers), hit and run (use and dump),  homosexuality, incest, using men or even women as Teller machines (Mugu/Maga/Aristo) for round the clock financial comfort and so many other negative behaviours. No matter the amount of efforts you put up to make people (including your spouse) believe you are an angel that just dropped from heaven, hiding these issues under your “holy garments” will only hurt you the more.  You cannot carry such garbage into marriage and expect the marriage to work.  

Deal with your pre-marital garbage fast before the stench will destroy your matrimonial home. Singles should be careful of how they accumulate destructive garbage and beware of prospective mates who are encumbered with such destructive tendencies.